Is This Your Traffic Cone

I'm not going to lie to you but if there is one thing I am very good at its drinking wine.............My palate has changed over the years from Southern Comfort and Lemonade to Gin and Tonic to Prosecco and now suddenly I'm loving a nice cold Chardonnay..............I suddenly feel very grown up drinking wine and even found myself in a wine wholesale shop buying in bulk for Xmas last week.

If I'm being totally honest I haven't got a bloody clue about the whole "bouquet" thing and all I can smell is............Well..........Wine. I would imagine there are many wine buffs passing out all over the world at that statement.

The only thing I'm not a fan of is getting drunk, don't get me wrong I love feeling a little but tipsy but after watching many people over the years getting blind drunk its just not something that floats my boat...........Watching someone who's pissed as a newt can be hilarious but can also be totally embarrassing.

Here's my Top 10 tips to being a nice drunk:-

1. You suddenly remember a skill you can do from your youth - Lets face it, you might of been able to do a head spin when you were 10 but now you have boobs and gravity just doesn't allow this move anymore,

2. You think you are good at singing - YOU ARE NOT...........I REPEAT..........YOU ARE NOT.

3. Sharing you innermost feelings - Once you have said it its out there, I do not particularly want to know about how much you fantasise about Martin in accounts and neither does his wife who is at the next table.

4. Carry home a traffic cone - In what situation would you possibly need a traffic cone, and please please do not give it to me as a hat.............

5. Think you are whispering - You are not.........In fact you are being louder than if you were using the traffic cone to shout through.

6. Pole Dancing - When I say "Pole Dancing" the clue is in the name........Its supposed to be with a pole not a parking meter or lamppost.

7. Feeling the need to eat a Kebab - I can't really say anything about this other than........YUCK.

8. Invading personal space - In what setting would you normally talk to a complete stranger with your nose pressed up against theirs.

9. Making Plans - This never really happens when you can't actually remember organising to meet everyone the next day.

10. Go on a trampoline - This never ends well and usually results in the entire contents of your stomach reappearing..........Maybe that Traffic cone might be useful after all.


With Christmas fast approaching remember these top tips to avoid the dreaded phone call from your best mate the next morning saying "You wont believe what you did last night".

Lots of love
Me
xxxxx

6 Months

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realise that your life needs more fun.........Not just a bit of fun but a whole lot of belly laughing, snorting, maybe even dribbling whilst laughing FUN.

Everyone that knows me will understand when I say that there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on around here for 6 months. Laughter has been replaced by STRESS..........Smiling has been replaced by a lot of frowning and any chance of normality has vanished.

Curious to why ?...........Let me fill you in.

2nd June - Sold the house we have lived in for 15 years to move to something with more space, the whole showing people around thing was probably the most mind numbingly boring thing ever...........See this post.....Missing In Action. 

12th June - Found the house of our dreams by pure chance thanks to my Mum playing bowls one day with an elderly gentleman who mentioned that his house sale had fallen through that morning........Within 2 hours I had been round, had 2 cups of tea, mentally pictured where the furniture was going, had 2 more cups of tea, adopted elderly couple as surrogate Grandparents, phoned Mr DG who promptly arrived and.............Drum roll please...........Bought a house.

15th July - Moving day was...........Well...........It was not what I would call enjoyable mainly due to the night before having to have an emergency Root Canal done and then having the worst upset tummy all the next day which when you have 1 toilet and 6 men in your house moving boxes was not fun. I filled myself up with Imodium which then resulted in not pooing for 4 days. 

15th July - We were all moved in.......YES.........

2nd August - We had hardly had time to unpack everything before it was time to pack again and head off to Devon for 2 weeks. We reluctantly drove away from our new house in the pouring rain only to arrive in the pouring rain at the other end and then proceeded to have 2 weeks of.......YEP......You guessed it.......POURING RAIN.

30th August - Female Teen turned 18 which then entailed her sudden need to go to pubs and clubs. To be honest I felt for her as she is the youngest by far in her little group so up until this moment she had been stuck at home whilst everyone else went out. The only problem with this going out malarkey was that we had to stay up until 3am...........To say we were knackered was an understatement. Having a bloody baby was easier. A'Level results were in too.........Holy Crap.......She's going to Uni.

September - The dreaded month had arrived and it was time to drag myself out of the pit of denial I had been in and face facts that Female Teen was going to Uni.................After much packing and lots of saying goodbye to everyone the day had arrived. I am not going to dwell too much on the whole dropping her off experience because even now it is just too bloody emotional to write about...........What I will say is that she settled in within minutes, her little room was gorgeous, her new friends were delightful and I managed not to cry until we had left the campus only to sob so much Mr DG had to pull the car over to calm me down. I cried on and off all weekend but every time I spoke to her I was reassured that little bit more.

October - October passed in a blur with me mainly try to readjust to a new normal of just having 1 child at home.

November - A whirlwind visit to Bath to see the Female Teen which was fantastic. Finally felt like we were a complete family again even if it was for just 4 hours. She is still having a blast and loving the experience. Male Teen has now decided he wants to go there too...................I'm back in my pit of denial again.

So, there we go......................I can hardly believe where the time has gone and the Female Teen has almost done her first term. I am still feeling rather redundant and not quite sure what to do next, we still lay wide awake when we know she is out and I have become quite proficient and Face Book stalking............Just so I can get some sleep.

I was thinking that this might be my last blog post as I just haven't felt like writing at all lately but after getting it all down I am now thinking that might be a mistake. It really is like a kind of therapy isn't it.................Except its a lot cheaper.

Lots of Love

Me

xxx

xxxxx

10 Things You Never Say To A Woman On Her Period

It's here again.................Once a month the monster inside of me rears its ugly head and basically goes on some type of emotional rampage through my body. There is nothing I can do about it and have literally tried everything out there, so..........I just kind of accept it and try hard not to get myself into too much trouble along the way. So far I have never need Bail money or a good lawyer so I think I'm doing Ok.

My biggest problem is not how to handle it............It's how not to snap when somebody says something really stupid to you. What I really need is a Government Health Warning sticker on my chest so that people are slightly more sensitive.

Here are 10 things never to say to me or any other poor sod who is having their period.

1. "Well.........That explains your mood for the past 10 days"

2. "Haven't you just had one"?

3. "Look the bright side..........At least your not pregnant"

4. "How funny do your feet look when they go all puffy like that "

5. "Another slice of cake..........REALLY"?

6. "For the love of God stop crying........All I said was..."

7. "Does that mean we don't have to use a Condom"?

8. "I'm sure its not as bad as you make out"

9. "You can't have many more years left of this"

10. "The wine has run out and the shops are shut"........THIS IS BY FAR THE WORST ONE.

I can solemnly promise you that all of these sweeping statements have been said to me in one way or another throughout my life.

Can you imagine if men had their Menstrual Cycle, Menstruation, Menopause and Gynaecology appointments..............Hang on a second.............Something had just struck me whilst writing......All of those things actually have something in common......MENstrual Cycle......MENstruation........MENopause......GYnaecology...........I can see a conspiracy theory here.

If men had any of these things I'm betting we would all have a national holiday once a month. To be honest I just don't think they would cope full stop.................The houses of Parliament would be filled with hysterical screaming and shouting and lots of "he said" "she said"....................Wait.............That is exactly what its like in there.....................................Is there something we don't know????????

I'm off now to eat my own body weight in chocolate and massage my massive swollen ankles.............

See you on the other side
Love
Me
xxxx

I've linked this post up with the gorgeous Lets Talk Mommy.

My Student Pack........A Review.

As many of my loyal readers will know The Female Teen is off to Uni this  September......................... Sniff, sniff hold it together woman. This whole process has been stressful to say the least and has quite possibly been a complete eye opener to the whole growing up, leaving home and being independent malarky. Questions like what does she need to take, where will she live and more honestly will I feel like traipsing round the shops looking for it whilst traumatised at the cost of it all came to mind.

Then last month I stumbled upon something that suddenly made me take a huge sigh of relief and smile.....................This is was the one sentence that got me interested.........

Everything You Need For University, delivered.

What !!!!!! I thought, this must be too good to be true. To my complete delight it was everything I had been looking for all in one place and very reasonably priced.

Here's what they say :- At My Student Pack we continually strive to be the best we possibly can be. We source and supply high quality products at prices which are both competitive and affordable. 

My Student Pack is a one stop shop for all of your daily needs at university. Our aim is to help you save both time and money - allowing you to get on with everything else.

We have been working within the student sector for many years and feel that we are the ideal people to understand what students need when moving into their new accommodation. We understand that both price and quality is important for students, this is why we have created two packs – an essential and a premium pack.

I didn't need to be convinced any more and as soon as we knew what her was accommodation I was online ordering a few boxes.

  My Student Pack

I was blown away with how easy the website was and how informative each section was. We decided to order the Bathroom Pack, Kitchen Pack, Cleaning Pack and the Study Pack (in fact I ordered 2 of these so that my youngest who is going onto year 10 could have one too). Click on the links to each pack to be directed straight to the Student Pack website where you can see a list of everything included and prices.

                            Kitchen Pack (click here to be redirected)

Bathroom Pack

Cleaning Pack

Study Pack

Everything you see in the photos are included and within a couple of days my packs arrived in perfect condition. The Teen was ecstatic with all her goodies and is now choosing which bedroom pack to order.

I am a huge fan of anything that makes my life that little bit easier and My Student Pack certainly did this for me. As nervous as I am about her leaving home and starting a new adventure at least I know that she is kitted out with everything she might need...............And...........Yes, there a and......If she runs out of anything I can order from the website and get it delivered straight to her University.

Thank you to much to the lovely guys at My Student Pack for being so helpful.

Was my Mum really a Hairdresser ??

As you all know we have moved home recently, apart from being hugely stressful and quite frankly worse than childbirth and getting married it was a time to get stuck into that black hole of Calcutta aka THE LOFT and have a good clear out. Unfortunately my plan of shoving it all back into the new loft were dashed when we realised very early on that it wasn't quite as large as the previous one. This resulted in having to bloody good sort through of the boxes which I had been putting off for about 10 years.

So, there I am sitting crossed legged on the floor of the study/new loft area for now sorting through smelly, dusty boxes of ........................Memories.

In amongst the memorabilia I kept coming across photos of me when I was younger/thinner/firmer/
less stressed. ..........You get the picture. As I smiled at the photos something suddenly hit me.............. My hair styles were bloody shocking and then something even bigger hit me....................My own Mother was a sodding hairdresser !!!!!

Let me share with you some of the best haircuts ever :-

 1. I am not entirely sure what the heck was going on here only that I looked like George Best in his younger years. Although.....Check out those eyelashes people !!!!

















2. This little beauty was when I seemed to be going through my Lewis Collins from the Professionals stage (note the Polo neck jumper). To be honest I think I might of had nits and she just cut it all off...............I can still remember going into a shop and being called a "little boy".













3. Unfortunately things didn't really improve as I got a older, in fact by the look of this photo I had adopted quite a severe fringe and I don't just mean the one on the Poncho.
















4. This photo was taken in Richmond Park in the height of summer ,I am quite sure my hair was so bad I had decided to wear my hood up. Either that or my Dad was so embarrassed to be seen with me he had Cello taped it to my head.















5. I actually don't know what to say about this photo other than..............Did nobody have a brush or eyes!!!!

6. First day at secondary school and we were back to the short back and sides..........As if my hair wasn't bad enough check out the colour of my uniform.


















7. To be completely fair to my mum I wanted highlights and went on about them until she caved........Remember people, Spandeau Ballet and Wham were all the rage so that's my excuse for this one.
















8. Its Perm time and I thought I looked fabulous....................Looking back I now resemble a giant Poodle wearing Pat Butcher Earrings.

















Now do you see what I mean, it would of been excusable if Mum had been anything else but she wasn't was she?....................She was a fully qualified hairdresser.................Well, that's what she told everyone !!!!!

What was your most embarrassing hair style ever, I would love to know.

Love
Me
xxxx

Missing In Action

You may of noticed I have been a little quiet of late...........Mr DG would see this as a bonus.............There has been a jolly good reason behind my absence.............................WE HAVE MOVED HOUSE.................Oh yes indeedy. And, being the super duper superstitious person I am there was no way I could tempt fate and write about it.

But now.................................I can............................And boy can I tell you a few stories about the whole process of putting your home on the market, finding somewhere else and then the debacle of actually moving a whole 15 years of stuff to another place.

They say that moving is one of the most stressful experiences you will ever go through and I whole heartedly agree..................Never, ever again. Having complete strangers marching through your home was quite frankly like being a chimp in a glass enclosure and I had some real corkers......................Here are my top 5 viewings.

1. Mum, Dad, Kid 1 (high on orange crisps and blue sweets), Kid 2 ( clearly traumatised by the whole experience). Kid 1 decided to jump on all the beds whilst shouting that he could fart in time to his bounces, Kid 2 still crying and now climbing up Dads leg to sit on his shoulders, Mum oblivious to whole chaotic scene and was just interested in how much I would sell my curtains for.


2. Man, Woman, Teenager.................Man decided to open all my wardrobes to see how much space there was, Woman decided that she would take this opportunity to comment on all my clothes and enquire where I purchased them all from. Teenager couldn't of cared less if they lived here or in a tent and was only slightly enamoured when he realised it had a garage round the corner for his "band".







3. Older couple - Spent a whole hour walking round making all the right noises only to tell me as they left that they were actually looking for 4 bedrooms and needed space for 3 cars........Apparently they had lost the ability to read the particulars that the estate agent had lovingly prepared for them. They then proceeded to sit in their car for a further hour with a picnic hamper and a flask of tea.

4. Single Man - Divorced..........And didn't I know it, think I should of charged him a Therapist rate as he sat for ages telling me what a cow she was and how much money she had got out of the divorce. I don't even think he looked at the house and welled up every time he saw something that reminded him or her.........."My Ex used to have a mirror like that"........."My ex loved that perfume"..........."My ex had that shampoo"........"My ex had a vagina".........OK, he didn't really say that last one but you get the drift.

5. Young couple - Very nice at first but this quickly descended into them having a full blown argument about whether they could actually afford the house in the first place and how they was no way she was going to live with his mother. When he enquired why she felt like this she explained that his mother was in her delicate words a "BITCH"..............Once again my therapy skills came into play as I explained that we had lived with Mr DG's mum and that it was a Godsend to have the opportunity to save up some money so we could afford to buy our first place. This didn't seem to help and she stomped off leaving a very red face man not quite knowing what the heck was going on.



I could go on but to be honest we had some right nutters looking round,and it would take up a whole post to tell you about them all, the trouble is you have to show them all. In amongst the riff raff there might be someone who is genuinely interested and wants to buy your beloved home.................................And, there was.

A gorgeous young couple who are having their first baby this year, she fell in love with the house by the time she had made it through the porch and within 15 minutes it was obvious they were going to buy it.

So, 8 weeks later they did and we moved our family, possessions and life 5 minutes up the other end of town to our dream home...................

I am just getting used to the extra space and am trying to except that its not a holiday home and that it is in fact our forever home.

Would I ever do it again....................Not unless I can be put into an induced state and woken up when its all over.

Nice to be back

Lots of Love
Me xxx

Dear Amelia

Dear Amelia

Its 9am on Friday morning and I am standing watching you walk to school for the last time...........The last time ever...........(Well apart from going in for your exams but I will probably drive you in to calm your nerves). You look so tall and beautiful that my heart swells with pride until I just cannot watch you anymore, a single tear escapes from my eye and I get that familiar feeling of dread in my heart as I remember that this it is almost the end of an era......................The end of the life that we have known for the past 18 years.

I can still remember your first day at school, just 4 years old with a bobbed haircut and 2 front teeth missing. You clung to me as if your life depended on it and I sobbed as I walked home after leaving you hanging from the teachers leg begging me not to go..............I thought my heart was going to break and almost ran back when it was time to pick you up at lunchtime. You jumped into my arms with such force I almost fell over....................."Phew" you said "Have I done school now"?.....................Oh dear oh dear.

It took you a good 6 weeks to get used to it but once you did.............You loved it, even though you were the youngest in the class it didn't faze you and the teachers loved you to bits. You insisted on wearing tights every day and unbeknown to me decided that it would be a good idea to wear knickers over the top to stop them falling down.................Makes perfect sense now.

You breezed through school both Primary and Secondary and decided very early on that you wanted to be a teacher when you grew up...............And now you have..................You have grown up.........Right before my eyes................In a blur................In a rush ......................And far too quickly.

Now time suddenly seems more precious than ever, we don't have long until you leave for your next big adventure.................................Your biggest adventure ever....................................4 months to be precise..................................4 months until I am sure my heart will break again as I have to leave you again except this time at University.

To say I will be proud will be an understatement but selfishly I will wish that you had decided to get a job right up the road and live at home forever..............................But, I will put on a brave face and smile just as I did on your first day at Primary school telling you that everything will be fine and that I will be back to pick you up soon.....................................I just hope you will pack plenty of knickers to wear over those tights.

Love You To The Moon And Back

Mum

xxxxx

I am linking up with the fabulous Loud 'n' Proud

Pink Knickers and Lemon Meringue Pie.

Several things happened in quick succession today that have almost made me want to reach for the Gin bottle or at worst start smoking............

1. Male Teen decided that this morning was a fantastic time to throw an epic strop of all proportions due to the fact I refused to give him a letter excusing him from P.E............."OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SO UNFAIR...........I'VE BEEN COUGHING ALL MORNING (he had actually coughed once due to eating his toast too quickly and said toast went down the wrong hole ) AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT (another exaggeration of the truth.........He got up twice for a wee because he had drunk so much Coke) I HATE MY LIFE......." And that was the end of that. "LOVE YOU" I shouted as he was about to leave........BANG went the door.

2. Female Teen announced that she had a driving lesson at 9am, this is something I just cannot get used to...........................She is in charge of a car....................I fear that her attention will wander as she spots a pretty dress in the window of a shop. I said I wasn't going to watch her pull away but I lied and hid behind the Voile's until she had gone. The last time I saw her drive a car was an ELC Cosy Coupe and she wasn't very good at that to be fair.

3. Decided to get a wash on early and grabbed a bunch of whites................What I didn't notice was a pair of bright and I mean bright pink knickers (not mine) amongst all the washing............I won't go into details but you can imagine what happened next. Am now soaking Mr DG's baby pink shirts in bleach and Vanish hoping to bring them back to life. Failing that I am going to lie and say a Golden Eagle swooped down and snatched them all from the line.........WHAT..........Come on........I'd believe that.

4. Phoned Estate Agents to see if anything new had come on the market.........Did I mention we are moving???......Well, we are...............Sold ours but now can't find anything. Result.......Something new has appeared...............Had a drive over there to check it out before viewing ................................... .......................Bugger...................Backs onto a Grave Yard....................On the positive side at least the neighbours are dead quiet (sorry, couldn't resist). Tried to overlook the downside only to be told by The Female Teen that she would never come home for Uni if we moved there due to convincing herself that The Night Of The Walking Dead would happen if we did live there.

5. Decided to get a head start on all the candle orders I have committed too...............Today was Lemon Meringue Pie. Everything was going well until I caught the tiny bottle of very potent fragrance oil and knocked it all over the side. Grabbed my pipette and sucked up as much as I could squeezing it back into the bottle..................Phew I thought..............Lucky escape..........................
..................WRONG................Oil has seeped into crack on work top and my kitchen now smells like a sodding Lemon grove........................Dog is still sneezing and my eyes are watering.

6. Treated myself to a new bottle of rather expensive foundation only to discover the dippy sales assistant has given me the wrong shade and I almost resembled someone that has had one too many spray tans.............................................Remember that episode of Friends with Ross and the tanning booth.......................Well.......................That.

7. In my anger at the previous point grabbed what I thought was the toothpaste (which I must add had been left next to the toothbrushes) and squeezed a hefty helping onto my toothbrush only to find out one I had shoved it in my mouth that it was in fact bloody hand cream ............................................................................................................BLURGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!.

What a bloody morning, what a waste of good make up and what the hell has happened today.........................Are the Gods above playing a game with me today or is it just because I had such a nice weekend that someone thought it might be fun to heap a ton of bad luck on me.

Either way I am not going to let it get me down......................I have sniffed the bottle of Gin and taken a few deep breaths...........................Oh Hang on.......................All I can taste is that bloody Lemon Meringue Pie oil in my throat..........Hopefully the hand cream will counteract it.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxxx

BritMums Live 2015

Its almost time to pack my little suitcase, dust off my notebook and catch the train up to London to take part in the best social event ever.......And I mean ever.

This will be my 3rd BritMums Live and I am looking forward to it so much that I am like a small kid at Xmas, I wasn't going to do a Meme this year but after seeing so many I decided I probably should...............But......................I also decided I would cheat a little bit and use last years photos as it was very popular and helped people to recognise me. So.............Here I am..........................................


1. This is my "OH MY GOD ITS YOU, GET OVER HERE AND HUG ME" face. This is usually accompanied by a slight squealing noise that unfortunately escapes from my mouth at any given moment when I recognise your name.








2. Next is my "I cant find my glasses and cant bloody read your name badge" look. You will notice many people staring at your boobs.......Not hard to miss in my case.









3. At number 3 we have the "Did someone say there was cake over there" expression. There is lots of food to eat so my top tip is..............................Elasticated trousers or Super Glue as Lip Gloss







.

4. This is possibly how you may find me on Saturday morning after a few (cough cough) glasses of the fizzy stuff.










5. Here we have my "Its all over and I don't want to go home" very sad face.....................Look at that face..........................Its like Puss In Boots.









6. Assuming you still don't recognise me................................Here's my normal (I use these words loosely) face.










Looking forward to seeing you all very soon...............................Not long now.........................Squeal !!!!!!

xx
P.S If you did see this last year than I am sorry but I would still like a hug.

2 Kool 4 Skool

I see different parents every day on social media that look so cool and think "why can't I be like that"..........I shall tell you why...................Because I am the Mother of two bloody Teenagers and there is no place on Earth that I will ever look or be cool in their eyes...........EVER.

Trust me when I say I have tried to impress them with my coolness and hilarity.......................It doesn't work, no matter what you do or say.

My advice is as follows..........

1. DO NOT attempt to speak to them when they have friends round (especially boys), the last time the Male Teen had his mates round I decided to pop upstairs and have a chat. "Hi Guys, whats going on"...............This was met with 3 hooded heads suddenly dropping to the floor and a variety of grunts emerged from their very red faces. "Nothing Mum.........Just nothing.......Can you shut the door please".................Oh well I thought, at least he said please.

2. DO NOT ever suggest that maybe you could get a similar top to the Female Teen. This will be greeted with a look of sheer horror................"But I just thought we would look cute in the same top"................................"CUTE MUM.......REALLY.........CUTE........WHO EVEN SAYS THAT"...................Bad idea then.

3. DO NOT try and photo bomb them when they are on Snap Chat...............I almost ended up with the new IPhone implanted up my arse when "I" thought it would be hilarious to pop up behind her mid Snap Chat.....................

4. "Lets do a video of us singing Frozen in the car"...............................No words were returned as she just got out of the car and walked home.

5. "Shall I come in to the party to get you"?........................................Now this is actually a top tip of mine if you want to get your Teen to come out on time. Trust me, even a small hint that you might join the party and start joining in will force them to be waiting outside as you pull up.

6. DO NOT attempt to "Rap".......................Iggy Azalea has got nothing on me .............Unfortunately both Teens were in the car as I claimed to know all the words. I didn't even realise that two 5ft something humans could fit in the foot wells of my car.

7. Apparently according to both Teens I talk very loudly when I think I am whispering so DO NOT try and be funny about teachers at parents evening.....................................I don't really know what the problem was.............................All I said was how sad I was that he wasn't doing PE.............You get the drift.

8. DO NOT dance...................EVER............Even though I went to dance school with Steadman from 5 Star (well, I didn't actually go to school with him but he was in the next dance class to me) this means nothing to Teenagers as I bust my moves. I am even too embarrassing to be filmed, posted on YouTube and mocked apparently.

9. Never shout things out of the car at them...............Like..........."LOVE YOU" or "MAKE GOOD CHOICES TODAY HUNNY"...................And my personal favourite "SEE YOU LATER MY
LITTLE PRINCE".

10. If a someone from the opposite sex breaks your Teens heart DO NOT drive slowly past him/her and his new squeeze with the window down giving him/her the "I'm watching you" look..........Especially do not do this if your heart broken teen is in the car with you..................

All of the above are vital for survival yours and theirs and once though the other side which I am pleased to say is almost upon me with the Female Teen things will look much better.

Face facts that you will never be totally cool in their eyes and that's fine, in fact it is more than fine.......................Its so much more fun to have a few things up your sleeve that might make them cringe.

Good Luck Out There xxxx








I am linking up with the fabulous Super Busy Mum and The Big Fat Linky of The Week with The Dad Network. Hop on over there and link up your posts.


                                                           

5 Things I Never Told My Parents

I spent last weekend with some old school friends.................Not old in the sense of "old" but old in the sense of I have known them a really long time. We are all in our 20's.................30's..............OK, OK who am I kidding 40's and I have to say we are all looking bloody fabulous, admittedly there is a bit more of me than there is of them but whats 15 stone between friends. 

This reunion got me thinking about my school days and especially my teenage years, I know I moan about my two but if I am really honest..........................Really honest..............They are actually pretty perfect compared to me. Maybe that's why they are the way they are, not only have I worn the t-shirt iI have washed it, tumble dried it and worn it again. 

My Mum who worked incredibly hard had a hairdressing salon built in our house so I was pretty much allowed to come and go as I pleased........................In truth I took full advantage of this situation and worked out quite quickly that the best time to ask for money or whether I could go out was when she was right in the middle of a perm or highlights..........."Yes, yes" she would say "Just take £5 out of my purse and be back when it starts getting dark"..........................SCORE !!!!

What could I do first ?????????????

1. Smoke - Yep, that's right I smoked....................Well, I say smoked.............What I actually did was suck it in and blow it out. We smoked some type of Spanish cigarette that my friend used to pinch from her Dad and if I am truthful they were disgusting. We would hide behind the local shops and puff away thinking we looked so cool, then one of us would run to the shops and buy a packet of Polo mints so we could disguise the smell..............I remember the first time I actually inhaled the vile taste and coughed and sputtered just as the boy I fancied walked past......Cool hey.

2. Annoy the shop keepers - This was a particular favourite past time of mine, I am only amazed they didn't give us a good hiding. My best friend and I even got locked in one store..............I can still remember it now, it was The House Of Holland shop and we loved it. We were only supposed to go in there to have a look at the toys but decided to hide from the manager, after 20 minutes we suddenly realised we had been locked in whilst he went to lunch............Did we cry or panic ??? Nope.......We rode round the whole store on display bikes. Once we saw him coming back we hid again, waited for him to open up and then strolled out as if nothing had happened.

3. Set up my own hairdressing salon - During the summer holidays whilst Mum was out I actually set up my own shop.....................IN HER SALON................After spending so much time watching Mum do highlights I became a bit of an expert. Remember the jelly cap with the holes....................Yep..........................I did that. My friends would come round and after popping the cap on and pulling the hair through with the hook thingy I would then mix up the bleach and paint it on their hair.....................20 minutes later................Ta Da..................Beautiful just walked out of the salon hair..................£2 please...................Thank you very much......................Mum never even noticed her depleting bleach stock.

4. Hack The Telephone - My Dad fed up with a huge phone bill decided it would be a good idea to install a lock on the dial of the phone (God now I am showing my age)........................I in turn learnt that if you tapped the black buttons under the receiver very quickly it did in fact dial each number for you. My Dad could never understand what the hell was going on when the bill came through equally as high as it was before the lock.

5. Excluded from school - This is by far the worst thing I ever did...................I am almost embarrassed to admit it...........................I got excluded from school for 2 days (and I am not telling you what for before you ask, only that it involved frozen Prawns), rather than tell my parents I decided to intercept the letter that plopped on the doormat informing them of my impeding exclusion. Not only did I forge their signatures I then handed it in to the school office telling them that my parents couldn't come in due to work commitments...........And they bought it....................I couldn't believe my luck. Now my problem was how was I going to get away with this dastardly plan...........I will tell you.................Each morning I would go to school as usual but instead of actually going there I would sit in the park with the other 2 girls that had been excluded and sunbath all day............................................Shocked.......................I was.............................I am fair skinned and sunbathing was not for me. After 3 days of sunning it I ended up with a heat rash and a bloody thumping headache..................Karma had struck.

My poor Parents..................................What was I even thinking about when I did these things. I feel like I have just taken confession and actually feel much lighter.....................................................Who am I kidding...........................................I loved every minute of it and I suppose in the grand scale of things I was only doing what all Teens were doing at the time.............................What ????................You weren't doing those things ?...................................Just me then.

Sorry Dad and Mum xxxxxxx

Save or Strand

We played a game this weekend called Save or Strand...............It involved listing 5 famous people (fictional or non fictional) you would save on a beautiful remote island along with yourself and another 5 that you would strand on a raft destined for shore. This got me thinking and below are the results.........

Save List 

Imagine the scene, a beautiful island with plenty of vegetation and natural water......Who would I have with me...............

1. Steve Backshall - Obvious reasons................No, no not those reasons......I am thinking more of someone to deal with all the creepy crawlies, animals and fire building..........I am........Honestly.

2. Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall -  I would never starve and he could teach me how to cook properly............It may come as a surprise to you with a name like The Domestic Goddess but I am a totally crap cook......My kids thought Fish Fingers were black for years until they went to a friends house and refuse to eat orange ones as they "weren't cooked".......Whoops.

3. Dr Phil - Just in case anyone needs a good chat and some advice..................To be honest I think I might be too busy cooking and following Steve around to need any help.

4. Alex O'Loughlin (Hawaii 5 O) - You never know when you might need an ex Navy Seal to protect you and hold you tight at night if you get scared..........................It is very possible I will get scared a lot..........A LOT.

5. Mickey Flanagan - Someone to keep moral up and teach me the Limp Drag walk.

So there we go my Save List, you will notice I have no other women on the island. This has been done intentionally as I would hate to have to get cross with anyone if they wanted to "get scared" one night and need the protection of Steve and Alex...........Its only fair.

Strand List

These souls would be on a well built craft heading out to an island a very long way away from me....

1. Christian Grey - Quite frankly I couldn't cope with all the sex and would only end up getting Cystitis and feeling thoroughly miserable. Although I might have to ask to borrow his rope and Duct tape before he sets sail.

2. Justin Beiber - Quite frankly he can jump off the raft if he's feels like it.............Spoilt Brat.

3. Miley Cyrus - Same reasons as above and all that sticking your tongue business would get right on my nerves.

4. Bear Grylls - Why anyone would want to roll in snow and eat poisonous mushrooms is beyond me and I just cannot stand him. He might of been in the SAS but he's on my raft.

5. And finally.......As many politicians as possible....I know this is cheating but honestly its like listening to a load of kids in Playschool all fighting over one toy. Get a grip "ladies" and stop arguing about pointless things..................

So, there we have it folks. My Save or Strand list, now its time for you too tell me one person to go on each list........Its harder than you think.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

10 Things I Should Of Learnt By Now

There are times when I say "IS IT ME?"....................There are times when I might even say "WTF"......But more often than not you will regularly find me saying "WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN". Here are my Top 10 Do's and Don'ts of everyday life.

1. DO NOT expect to much from people: Just because you might go the extra mile does not mean that they will too. Some people are just not built like that, if you don't expect you won't be disappointed.

2.  DO NOT prepare a slow cooked stew in the morning: Chopping onions after putting Mascara on only ends in disaster.

3. DO NOT take criticism personally: This is something I am fabulous at. I tell myself that the other person is not attacking me, but it's an easy trap to fall into, and I am happy to oblige.

4. DO NOT worry about things that are out of your control: I am the worlds biggest worrier, in fact if I haven't got anything to worry about then I will actually worry about that. I am learning slowly that it is a big huge waste of energy and time.

5. DO think before you respond to "stupid": I am teaching myself to think what will happen and how will I feel in 3 hours if I respond to someone stupid. More often than not it stops me from making a situation worse. I recently had to deal with a nasty problem and with the help of a good blogging friend (thank you Suzanne Whitton) took some time out before acting in haste and possibly making the situation worse.

6. DO except compliments : I am great at giving them but rotten at accepting them and will always come back with a comment like "Oh, its good lighting" or "Its all done with mirrors". If someone wants to tell you that you look nice then just a simple "thank you" will do. 

7. DO except that none of us really know what we are doing as a parent : We are all just muddling along in the hope of getting it right, just try not to mess them up too much and remember to show them how to be a decent human being. Above all, tell them you love them every day and how proud you are of them.

8. DO trust your gut instinct : Mine has yet to steer me wrong but I have unfortunately chosen to ignore in the past. Remember, if it feels even slightly wrong then it probably is.

9. DO NOT buy a piece of clothing to "slim" into : You will never end up wearing it and it will just frustrate you every time you look at it. 

10. DO NOT drink alcohol when you haven't eaten.......Enough said.

There are many more and I could go on and on......................But I won't. I would love to hear your Do's and Don'ts  in the comments.

Lots of Love
Me 
xxxxx

Parents Evening Olympics

Good morning sports fans and its a lovely day in leafy Sussex, the days events are just about to get underway and we are kicking off with the 100m Steeple Chase...........................................

In lane one we have Pushy Mum who will stop at nothing to get her child in that spotlight.

In lane two its Mrs Look At Your Shoes, this poor soul is clearly scarred from her own haunting memories of childhood parents evenings. This is going to be tough race for her so plenty of encouragement please folks.

In lane three we have the hugely popular I Know The Teachers By Their First Names and there is no stopping her as she limbers up ready to pounce.

In lane four the crowds favourite Mr Memory Lane who proceeds to tell anyone that will listen what a complete wag he was at school much to his child's embarrassment.

And finally in Lane five the undisputed Mrs Raised Brows who has spent much of the warm up session telling everyone how perfect little Johnny is.

The scene is set and the runners are on their starting blocks the atmosphere is electric as a hush falls over the crowds. Its so tense you could cut the air with a knife........................A slight move from one of the runners and someone screams from the crowd "FALSE START.....FALSE START"................

AND THEIR OFF...............................................................................................................................

Its Mrs I Know All The Teachers whose out of the blocks first ,she narrowly avoids knocking Pushy Mum straight over a row of chairs and causing chaos. Pushy Mum holds her ground and elbows her back into her lane............................HOLD ON WHATS THIS.................Mr Memory Lane has just hurdled the Headteacher whose crouched down to do his shoe lace up, he's determined to get to that Science appointment first and makes no apology as he clips the poor man in the head with his foot.

Looking back down the classroom Mrs Raised Eye Brows hasn't even left the blocks due to Little Johnny deciding that now might be a good time to tell her that he got an internal exclusion last week for calling one of his teachers a "Twat" She's livid and has a startled expression on her once smug face.......Poor Little Johnny is getting a right telling off as mum decides to walk the rest of the track with her head hung.

So ladies and gentlemen we are down to just 4 runners and the race is really hotting up..................There are scuffles and shouts as Pushy Mum really lives up to her name and literally does push random parents out of the way to get to that table. The teachers have a stunned expression on their faces as the runners approach, one even covers her head in fear of being trampled.

The finish line is in sight and the competition couldn't be any closer, Mr Memory Lane and Pushy Mum are neck and neck with Mrs I Know All The Teachers trailing behind mainly because she has seen someone she knows and has decided to stop for a chat............................BUT WAIT A MINUTE......................WHATS THIS.......................We had almost written off Mrs Look At Your Shoes who didn't seem to be doing anything but staring at the floor, she is powering through with grace and speed....................................She hurdles the water jump with ease swerving round the other runners without them even noticing...........Mr Memory Lane catches a glimpse of her Ballerina Pumps as she passes him like a rocket.................................The desk is clear, the teacher is ready and ..................And.......................SHES DONE IT........................Mrs Look At Your Shoes is in the chair and already shaking hands with Mr Smith the Science teacher.

What a race we have had here today at the Parents Evening Olympics, the other runners look crushed as Mrs Look At Your Shoes not only wins but gets a glowing report for little Billy as well as a handshake from The Head Teacher who is unfortunately nursing a bruised head due to Mr Memory Lane.

And just when we think its all over the race seems to be off again as Mrs Look At Your Shoes begins to push her chair back ready to move on.....................Mr Memory Lane and Pushy Mum are poised once again......................................AND THEIR OFF.



I am linking up with fabulous new Big Fat Linky by The Dad Network.

The 6 Stages Of PMS.

What does PMS mean to you ? To me it means a few things................................................................

1. Puffy Mid Section
2. Provide Me with Sweets
3. Psychotic Mood Swings
4. Pardon My Swearing
5. Pass My Sweatpants
6. Pleasant Member of Society

Every month I lurch between a range of moods, looks and emotions and in its path I leave a trail of devastation and destruction. Once out the other end I then encounter that good old favourite "Guilt".

I start off quite normal (whatever that is) I look alright, my hair looks clean and my make up stays in place all day. I become my normal weight and I am happy, energetic and healthy.

Then.......Just as I am enjoying life it begins.

I suddenly notice a need for more coffee, which is not usual for me but when I realise that I have run out in one day this alerts me to the fact there is something brewing. My jeans feel a little tighter, my ankles look attractively swollen and I am experiencing hot flushes. This is called the "Puffy Mid Section" phase and its a total bloody joy.....

Next is the delightful "Provide Me with Sweets" phase, I eat them then feel guilty then eat some more. I can't just have one bar or even two its like someone has told me that the world is running out of Chocolate that day and I must inhale every last bit. I can cry at the drop of a hat and don't even get me started on those adverts with Mums and Daughters.......Sob sob sob..........Wa Wa Wa......Someone call me a WAmbulance.

Stage 3 and 4 are my personal favourites NOT! Its the "Psychotic Mood Swing" phase and I am a particular expert at this one. I can make a mountain out of a molehill, become paranoid that everyone hates me and then feel the need to possibly smash something. On top of all that I spend the whole time saying "Pardon My Swearing".........Classy.

Stage 5 is the big event and the "Pass My Sweatpants" time. I am swollen, in pain, fed up and in need of my bed. Its at this time that I start thinking how easy men have it..........Come to think of it have you noticed how the bloke word comes into everything we have to go through......MENstrual Cycle............MENopause..........GYnaecology................You get the drift.

The final stage is upon me and quite frankly I am totally exhausted, this is called the becoming a "Pleasant Member of Society" time and the only thing that will do is a face pack, my dressing gown and a big bowl of Pop corn followed by a good film and a lot of apologies.  The relief is apparent and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel...................Then it hits me...........................14 days until I start all over......................Nooooooooooooooooooooo !!!!!!

What are you top tips to getting through this wonderful part of being a woman ???

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxx

10 Things You Never Say To A Teenager

"Aren't you going to put a coat on ?" I asked on a particularly freezing -2º kind of morning. This question was answered with a grunt and then a huff as if to say"Yeah right, I have a jumper and blazer on. Why the hell do I need a coat...........I am a Teenage Boy and I DO NOT do coats".

What is it with them ?..................I often find myself asking this question. What happens between the age of 11 and 16 is something that will forever baffle me.......I know I know its hormones blah blah blah. But what about what really happens......................Like what really goes in their minds. I walk around on egg shells some days not wanting to say the wrong thing or fuel a massive strop, I don't remember being like this (or though my Mother will probably say different). With this in mind I have learnt the careful art (and it is an art) of not what to say and when not to say it.


1. Hurry Up - This will be met with rather interesting response that may involve a swear word or two, you cannot I repeat cannot hurry a Teenager up. They are on their own schedule and will not change it for anyone............Especially you!

2. Why don't you do that extra piece of homework if your bored ? - Expect school books to be shoved back in bag and a rant of "I'm so tired.......I'm not doing anymore than is necessary. If they wanted me to do it they shouldn't of said OPTIONAL" This may be followed by a sudden urge to disappear upstairs and pretend they have "other" stuff that is far more important.

3. So, what do you want to be when you finish school - This question is usually asked by older relatives that haven't seen them morph into a Teenager and is answered with a shrug or a simple "Dunno". To be honest at 13 I don't think I knew what I wanted to be,  I vaguely remember wanting to be a Dolphin Trainer or a Nun at some stage.

4. I absolutely forbid you to do that - This will be met with the most hysterical laughter and rolling around on the floor by The Teenager. Saying that I did use the sentence "You will not find anyone higher than me at this moment, not even GOD" which did seem to evoke a stunned reaction before the laughter began.

5. Whats wrong - The most pointless question ever if asked to a Teenager, they have no clue whats wrong so why the heck should they be able to tell you the answer. I find a more subtle approach is needed like "I'm downstairs if you need a hug" I would imagine from the boys point of view this is their worst nightmare but on the rare occasion it has worked.

6. Can you tidy your room please - Again, pointless.

7. Is that what you're wearing ? - The minute this comes out of my mouth I instantly regret it, why oh why did I say it. Not many words are exchanged but its the look that is shot at you from a 17 year old female of the species. If looks could kill.........I wouldn't be typing this.

8. Shall we do a selfie together - Good luck with this one.......

9. When I was your age - They don't care about when you were young, in fact I don't even think they recognise you were young once. To them you were born into an era of no social networking, no phones and Crackerjack..................Actually I can see their point.

10. We'll See - Teenagers are much like toddlers and cannot deal with the uncertainty of an unanswered question. A full description is needed along with photographic and legal evidence to back up any plans that they need confirming.

They are just a few questions that I try not to ask but I could go on and on and on.......................To be honest both of mine aren't really that bad and I love them to death even with all the strops and mood swings. I guess one day they will have kids of their own and will be happy to accept any advice I might have............................................Although, I might reply with one
word............................."DUNNO".

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxxx