Whilst most of you were probably enjoying the Bank Holiday weekend I was in fact doing the unenviable task of clearing out my loft. What started as a quick "can you go into the loft and get me that bag of shoes" turned out to be the most epic, revolting and quite frankly knackering Saturday ever. The Husband is the only one who ever goes up into The Black Hole ,as none of us are brave enough not since the last time when the most enormous spider fell onto my head.
This spider was so big I swear it winked at me as I ran round screaming whilst it sat comfortably on my head, The Teenager locked herself in her room and The Whirlwind decided it would be great fun to catch it and keep it as a pet called Steve. That little fantasy came to an abrupt end when The Husband stamped on it with his size 12 shoe ....Goodbye Steve.
Anyway back to the loft. We have lived in our little house for 12 years now so you can imagine the clutter that has been
stored up there. Many things came down that I haven't seen for a long time. Here is a list of just some of the more memorable things.
1. 2 boxes of baby memorabilia, including both kids umbilical clips (one even had something resembling a mushroom still on it).
2. 6 odd shoes. (my point about how you always only ever see one left shoe by the side of the road is finally made).
3. 2 books on sex. First book is the Karma Sutra (well that's out due to my back and the Husbands lack of flexibility) and the second is 101 ways to please your partner (at no stage in this book did it say "a cup of tea and a cream cake will please your partner).
4. A toaster, kettle, toilet (yes toilet), thermos and a potty. (it was at this point that I asked the Husband to check thoroughly that a small family hadn't been living right above our heads).
5. My wedding dress.
Item number 5 brought back a memory that I just had to sit and relive for a while. And now I am going to share it with you as it is just to funny to remain in my head.
The day before I got married in the above mentioned dress my Mother had kindly offered to put my 3 bridesmaids and me up in her little cottage. The day started well with me and 2 of my bridesmaids happily decorating the venue and generally being excited. My third bridesmaid who will remain nameless (she is in fact the same one who in my last blog drove me through a hedge in her car) arrived from her home land of Spain and the scene was set for a great evening.
I cant quite remember who had the idea of giving her and my Mother a couple of sleeping tablets but one of us clearly had our reasons. The 3rd bridesmaid spent most of night shouting out in her sleep and accusing everyone of various crimes and wanting jelly and my Mother slept like a baby.............until 6am.
(At this stage I must point out that I was sharing a room with her ).
I opened my eyes and suddenly remembered that my big day had finally arrived, the day I had been painstakingly planning for a whole year. I lay there for a while wondering if the door would open and breakfast on a tray with a flower would appear. I listened for any movements but nothing. Suddenly a groan sounded from the other side of the room and then a slight whisper of "HELP ME".
As I turned over the sight that meet me was not pleasant.......The Mother was sitting bolt upright in bed with her top lip curled under which was well and truly stuck to her teeth. "HELP ME PLEASE"
she shouted "I CANT FEEL MY FACE".
What then happened was panic, panic and a bit more panic then me shouting for help and the others (minus the 3rd bridesmaid as the tablets had had a similar effect on her) running around trying to unglue my mothers lips from her teeth, this process took about an hour and resulted in Mum having a slight look of Ken Dodd for most of the morning. The 3rd bridesmaid to this day is still oblivious to the whole thing. However people have commented on what full lips she has in my photos.
After remembering this incident I cant say I was much help as I then had to ring Mum to relive the whole thing with her.
Anyway the loft is now completely finished and The Husband seems very pleased with himself at the emptiness of it. What I haven't told him is that most of the stuff he sent down is now in my
cupboard waiting for me to go and have a good look through it and then it will all have to go back up there again.
Still he'll be pleased when he realises Ive kept the 2 books down here !!!!