Tears and Teens

The bedroom door is firmly shut, the sounds of some game he is playing echoes through the keyhole and into my ears. Do I knock or just walk in, I just don't know anymore whether its the thing to do. I stand for what seems like an eternity listening as he laughs and chats to invisible friends I have only met a few times. I'm not sure what I am waiting for or hoping to hear.....Maybe something like "My mum is so cool" or "I love my mum so much"............................Who am I kidding, that's not going to happen is it, I'd have more chance of Hugh Jackman knocking at the front door and asking for a cup of sugar.

Then a brief interlude, the controller is being put down and I can hear him getting up to come to the door......I panic, almost running on the spot. I don't want him to know I was eavesdropping. I turn and dive into my bedroom pretending I'm collecting the washing. He looks at me suspiciously..........................Then the washing catches his eye and he turns and walks off down the stairs.

His bedroom looks...................................Well.....................................Grown up...........................Electrical gadgets litter his bed and the latest Xbox magazine lays strewn across the floor. It smells of "Boy" in there and I notice he has set a little grooming station up in the corner. Hair wax, deodorant and...........................What's that.......................................Oh my God..............................Its a hair brush.

I stare into the unrecognisable room for a while and remember when it was baby blue and yellow. That's was how is was when he came home from hospital 13 years ago, it smelled of talcum powder and baby wipes and balloons adorned every corner........................."CONGRATULATIONS"........................................"BABY BOY".................

I hear footsteps approaching and wipe a rogue tear away from my eye, he's next to me. A hand takes mine and squeezes................................................."You OK Mum" he asks......................................."Course I am gorgeous" I reply.

I cant let him know that I miss him and wish that he was a baby again causing mayhem, I cant tell him that I wish I had played with him more instead of worrying that he wasn't getting enough sleep or taken him to the park every day instead of twice a week just because he would run off and I would have to chase him. I cant let him see that it breaks my heart each time he goes to bed and doesn't need a lullaby to help him sleep. I wish I had watched him more, wish I had videoed him every day so I could remember. I regret not seeing that he just wasn't ready for  pre-school and forcing him to go every day even when he screamed and cried for me, I should of been firmer when they told me at school that he had too much energy...........................................I should of said "He's mine and he's amazing and if you don't see what a funny, loving and slightly spirited little boy he is then maybe I should take him somewhere else".

This is it.........................I have to accept that he is growing up and it is time to watch him spread his wings. I must recognise that myself and Mr DG have helped him to be the charming, chatty, confident, loving and funny young man that stands in front of us.

I am so proud I could burst........................................................................We have got to the magical age of 13 and he is going to be OK........................................He really is................................................Because he has us and we will guide him gently through this next stage in his precious life.

I wish I could stop crying, but I cant. The tears fall and I know I am being ridiculous......................I still have loads of years ahead when I am going to be needed. He will always be my little boy and nobody is going to change that.................................................................................

Happy 13th Birthday My Darling Boy. xxxxxx



P.S... Sorry that this isn't one of my usual blogs............Normal service will be resumed shortly.