Thursday, 29 March 2012

To Wax Or Not To Wax

After my last blog about wearing a bikini, I touched on the subject of waxing. Well due to unforeseen circumstances I have now been forced to address the subject a whole lot earlier than expected due to the fact that The Husband has arranged a nice weekend away.
Lucky Girl I hear you all say.....well yes I do feel lucky, however this hotel has the one thing I am not equipped for ......a swimming pool!!! And a swimming pool can mean only one thing ..... A Swimsuit which in turn needs a hair free zone.
I was hoping to have at least a few more months before having to tackle the Lady Garden but no, I have 2 days to get it tamed and looking nice.
My routine this evening will begin with the exfoliation process (not that it helps, but that's what it says on the packet to do).
My Kids will then be banished downstairs to avoid any lasting damage to their pure young minds. Once alone the waxing kit will be placed out on the bed like you see those doctors do on Casualty  with all their equipment.
I will then strategically place the mirror at the end of the bed and the scene is set.
The main problem I now have is in 4 parts:-
1. I now have to move my stomach out of the way with one hand to see the above mentioned area.
2. Do I actually have the courage to lay the wax strip on in the first place.
3. Do I actually have the nerve to now pull the strip off.
4. The dog wont leave the room and is now watching with head tilted to one side looking at me very strangely.

Right I'm going to do it....I am going to do it now....ready......steady........1....2.....3.......
It is at this point the dog begins to howl in anticipation at something amazing happening, does he think I am going to throw a ball or does he actually understand whats about to happen.

Here we go..... and rip...."OOOOOOUUUCCCCHHHHHH bleep bleep bleep !!

This is pretty much how the whole experience goes, I count 1.2.3 the dog howls, I rip then scream obscenities. Now you can see why I send the kids downstairs.

On completion of the extermination of the Hairy Growler I will resemble a plucked chicken for several hours and may look slightly red. However it will all be worthwhile in the long run once I am on poolside in my one piece looking hairless.

Lets hope after all that the pools not shut !!!!

This blog has been written because of an hysterical conversation this morning on Twitter with 4 gorgeous Twitterettes, we covered waxing and tanning and then tanning and waxing. And not a mention of the petrol crisis in sight.

Thank you to them for being my inspiration today.
@apartyofseven   @cityGatheart  @citygirlnomore @lottie_lockwood

Sunday, 25 March 2012

My Trip To Bikini Bottom .

All this warm weather has suddenly sent me into a state of panic. It has cleverly reminded me that I am supposed to be loosing the weight of a whole other person before I go on holiday in August. The main focus is that all important all consuming quandary of whether to wear a swimsuit, tankini, bikini or tent. I have spent the morning looking on various websites at the array of swimwear, the colours the styles and how much of your bum hangs out the back.
It is our first vacation abroad in 7 years due to the fact we have holidayed in this country, which has been great mainly because its not really warm enough to wear a bikini and hoodies with shorts is thoroughly acceptable.
The last time we went away I took a total of 3 bikinis in a variety of colours. This turned out to be a total disaster......
1. First bikini, a fetching yellow colour... went completely see through only noticed by the Husband after I had been parading round the poolside thinking that everyone was staring at me because I must of looked hot.

2. Second bikini, a bright pink, this one didn't go see through, however I had put the bottoms on inside out and only noticed the gusset when I had sat down for lunch.

3. Third bikini, a tropical orange, this one was the right way on and didn't go transparent, going well I hear you say, well that was until I slipped in the pool and dropped a whole tray of drinks everywhere. CRINGE!!

So you can see why I'm worrying cant you. The Teenager will of course look gorgeous in what ever she wears, cellulite free with everything where it should be and nothing drooping. (Not that I'm bitter... MUCH).

I think I will probably stick to a nice swimsuit with tummy control, boob lifting device and one that claims to make me look 7 sizes smaller than I am. And all this before I even start thinking about whether to wax, shave or use a stinky cream OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!

Think maybe holidaying in Siberia is looking promising for next year.

Monday, 19 March 2012

I want to be one of Charlies Angels !!!

Whilst having my lunch today I flicked on the TV only to discover a channel I had never seen before. This channel was by far the most entertaining thing I had ever laid eyes on. Not only was Dallas, Wonder Woman and Starsky and Hutch on they were also showing re-runs of my favourite show ever....... Charlies Angels.
Oh how I loved those angels. I wanted to be an angel. I wanted to graduate from the Los Angels Police Department. I wanted that hair and most importantly I wanted that gun.
I can remember reenacting  it in the playground at Primary school. Kelly the really pretty Angel was always the one who everyone wanted to be, then there was Jill who was really fast at running, very sophisticated and had THAT HAIR! Then Sabrina the slightly tomboyish one who nobody ever wanted to be except me. This was mainly because she was the Angel who always nearly got shot and I loved playing a good dying swan routine in the middle of the playground.

Then there was Charlie himself, the rich but never seen (apart from his hands) private investigator, who seemed to think it was OK to send out 3 girls to do his dirty work. He always opened the show with his little speech ... "Once upon a time, there were 3 little girls who went to the police academy - 2 in Los Angeles, the other in San Fransisco- they were each assigned very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me. My name is Charlie." .....HELLO !!! Anybody worried about some freaky guy who wont let anyone see him taking 3 LITTLE girls away from their secure jobs with pensions and throwing them into even more dangerous situations. Then on top of all that making them wear very tight outfits while he just sits back and watches from the sidelines.

Anyway putting all that slightly creepy stuff aside it really was a fantastic show, they just don't make them like that anymore. I recently watched a well known series where some guy in a particularly scary mask was chasing women through the streets of London. Let me tell you I didn't sleep for 3 nights and kept one eye open the whole time.

I say bring back the old favourites to our popular channels and let our teenagers see good wholesome cops and robbers.
Who knows it may even mean the hairstyles come back into fashion then I can definitely have one along with one of those waistcoats.....

 Hmmm....Maybe Not !!!

Love Me

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

A Date Night With A Twist.

After 17 years of marriage I am always looking for new ideas to keep the old romance alive, lets face it when you have 2 kids of the teenage variety its not easy to suddenly sweep the table of all the crockery and make mad passionate love on it any more. Neither is it easy to just bugger off out for a meal without the palaver of finding someone to sit with kids at a moments notice.

With all this in mind The Husband and I decided to create our own restaurant in the conservatory, then close the french doors and pretend we were alone. The kids had been given strict instructions not to disturb us AT ALL unless a limb was hanging off.

We designated a Tuesday night as Date Night and it involved a romantic meal with candles and a beautifully set table. I have to say on the first one I actually felt quite excited at not feeling like just a mum for a couple of hours. The Husband prepared the dinner while I set the table and then in we went closing the doors behind us. For the first couple of minutes we sat in silence, not because we didn't have anything to say but because we were both taking in the serenity and peace of the whole experience.
After an hour or so when we had been well and truly lulled into a false sense of security a little knock at the french doors reminded us that there were 2 children behind them doing god knows what. Suddenly the curtains which the kids had pulled across to give us "some alone time" slowly parted to reveal The Whirlwind wearing a magic hat, cape and brandishing a wand then just like the film Love Actually he produced a number of cards with writing on them, this is what they said.

1. dear mum and dad (notice how he puts mum first)
2. i hope you are having a nice time (this means he is now bored)
3. for tonight's entertainment i will be doing (he couldn't fit all this one onto 1 page)
4. some magic tricks. (Husband now kicking me under the table)

He then went on( through the closed doors) to perform several tricks in complete silence. We clapped and laughed as he repeatedly fluffed the tricks, all the while with The Teenager rolling her eyes and doing some very rude hand gestures behind his back (will deal with that when I come out).  Once the show was over he produced more cards.

5. thank you for watching (please clap louder I cant hear you)
6. when are you coming out (I'm really bored now)
7. can i have a drink (that will get her out, she wont want me getting anything fizzy)
8. i love you xxxx ( give them the puss in boots eyes, it works every time).

Not only was the meal and company great but the in house entertainment was pretty good too.

We will be hiring him out for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs to anyone whose interested. xx

Saturday, 10 March 2012

5 Days and 1 Pair of Pants !!

This blog comes to you courtesy of 1 very happy mummy.

The Whirlwind has returned like Bear Grylls from his outdoor adventures on the Isle Of Wight. This time last week I felt like an emotional wreck as I delayed packing his rather large suitcase with the recommended clothing. Denial, denial, denial sprung to my mind, if I pack then it means hes really going, if I don't pack maybe some freak accident like the Isle Of Wight sinking will stop him going at all.
With heavy heart I faced the unfaceable he WAS going. As I stood with all the other mums watching our little pride and joys get on the coach it dawned on me that he was no longer a little boy but now a little man. I waved with such vigour that my arm ached for the whole week he was away, and as the coach started to pull away I joked with some of the other Mums that I was going to lay in front of it  in the middle of the road. As I shouted"WHO IS WITH ME" and they all laughed,little did they know how serious I was.

The week to be fair went very quickly and even when I awoke on Wednesday to face the horror of my little man not being with me on his11th Birthday I held it together (mainly for The Husband who was an emotional mess). I was the strong one all day and kept a cheery (slightly hysterical) smile on my face.That was until we went out to dinner taking The Teenager with us to our favourite Chinese restaurant.
All was going well and after finishing a gorgeous meal washed down with a bottle of Pinot Grigio the unimaginable happened. A birthday cake with 11 candles came floating out of the kitchen to the sounds of Happy Birthday being sang by 6 Chinese waiters for the little boy on the next table, as if that wasn't bad enough the child had the same name as my AWOL little man. My smile left my face and huge hot tears fell onto my toffee banana melting the ice cream. The Husband and The Teenager looked on in horror as I sniffled into my napkin. The bill was soon bought to us as we explained that it wasn't the food but the broken heart of a slightly drunk mummy.

So here we are, a week later and he is home safe and sound but slightly smelly. This is where the title of the blog comes into play. We are all told as parents of children going on a residential trip to expect a scene straight from a movie involving swamp monsters once the suitcase is opened. Being the Domestic Goddess I like to think I am, I cleared my washing basket ready for the onslaught of smelly,damp,muddy and general nastiness. The scene was set, as bin bags were laid down on the kitchen floor which now looked like it had been prepared for a mafia hit.

We held our breath as the zip was carefully pulled back and then through slightly squinted eyes peeled the cover back to reveal.....................................a beautiful packed and folded suitcase of clothes, could my son of done this, were my days of telling him that the floor of his room was not his wardrobe over? NO NO and NO again, this was not the case. The packing had in fact been done by none other than ME!!!
Nothing had been touched, disturbed or even looked at. It all smelled Fairy fresh and the socks were still in a pack of 5. We called The Whirlwind into the kitchen to double check there hadn't been a laundry service on camp and that a bill wasn't going to plop onto the doormat. He then went into a long explanation about his ability to wear the same clothes all week through a simple system of rotation. The little drawstring bag he had flung on the side had all his dirty washing in it, this consisted of
1. Pants 1 pair (these were the pair he went in).
2. Socks 1 pair (dirt inside and out).
3. Waterproof Clothing 2 sets (these were muddy beyond belief).
4. Jeans 1 pair (Once blue now green).
5. T-shirt 1. (Don't even think its his).

Once questioned about his pants the tale of this blog began. For anyone wishing to write a survival manual on this subject please use the following tips.
Day 1. Wear pants correct way round all day
Day 2. Turn pants round the other way
Day 3. Turn pants inside out but right way round
Day 4. Still inside out, pouch to the rear.
Day 5. Go Back to day 1 and repeat process.

We looked on in disbelief as he very proudly relayed the story to us, I wanted to be cross, disgusted and generally grossed out but his little face was so full of pride and love for me that all I could do was laugh. Even if his claims that he "didn't want me to have too much washing" on his return were a fib I just didn't care.

The pants now known as The Wunderpants walked themselves into the washing machine on their own with an air of relief at being washed.
Has he learnt a valuable lesson in this act of grossness, or has he been taking lessons from Stig Of The Dump..............probably not but one things for sure, he really is growing up into a fully fledged man.

Thanks for reading
Lots of Love xxx

Monday, 5 March 2012

The Detention Diaries

The Whirlwind has today left for a week long trip to the Isle of Wight, seeing his eagerness and excitement filled my heart with such pride today.
This has got me thinking about my school days and how much I would love to have a home movie so that I could watch all of those funny times again.
My primary days were filled with bad perms and just trying to stay out of the Head Teachers office and to be honest my secondary school days were much the same.
I went to a good school, a very good school actually which was ALL girls as my Mother and Father said that boys would distract me,in fact this was much worse as all I had to focus on was making people laugh and getting into trouble.

My top 10 most Grange Hill moments are as follows:

1. Duck Taping our RS teacher to her chair (well to be fair I didn't actually do the taping I was just look out, there was only so much sex education we could listen to).

2. Pretending I was interested in piano lessons just so we could sit in the warmth of the piano huts on cold days. ( I did however learn to play Chopsticks and Greensleeves before I got kicked off the course).

3. Tying my typing teachers feet together with a shoelace whilst she slept during lessons (well she shouldn't of been asleep should she, and I did untie them before she woke up).

4.Throwing clay at the ceiling during art and waiting for it to drop on the teachers head (it never did, but the anticipation was gripping).

5. Hiding under the stage during P.E only to get busted when I rolled a ball back out. ( the teacher didn't even know I was missing until she looked under and seeing us).

6. Deciding it would be funny to organise the whole class into sitting in different seats and giving them different names when we had a substitute teacher for a week ( I was called Bunty Walker for the whole time and the substitute teacher left oblivious to any prank).

7. Locking the biggest and best Hockey player in the P.E shed for the inter house final (which we won 5-2 by the way). Can I just add she is now a really muscly policewoman so lets hope shes not a blog fan.

8. Nipping off at lunchtime to go across the railway tracks to meet the boys from the school opposite ( defeated the object of no distractions Dad).

9. Deciding that I didn't really fancy the work experience place I had been given so pretended to be my mum and said I was ill, then sat in the park all day getting a great tan ( my mother has only just found out about this thanks to The Teenager, she would never have known due to the fact she thinks a laptop is a tray with a cushion underneath it).

10. Knocking the hats off the bitchy Convent School girls heads just as we walked past (sorry!! No I really am).

Note:- All of the above ended up with me spending a lot of time in detention.

I know you will probably be thinking I must of gone to a terrible school but trust me I didn't, I think back in those days it was just harder to get caught. Either that or I've just blocked the memories out. I had the best time at school and can only stress to my kids how they should cherish their time whilst there. The good thing about being such a terror at school is that I have worn the t-shirt, washed it and then tumble dried it so when my kids even think about doing something I am totally on the ball.

Sometimes when instilling the importance of good behaviour into The Whirlwind and The Teenager I catch myself thinking "you great big fat hypocrite". How can I be saying this to them when they haven't actually done anything wrong. I guess the thing to remember is that once you are in a job it would be totally unacceptable to tie your bosses shoe laces together or lock the office bully in the cupboard so school is really the only place you can get away with things like that before it affects your mortgage payments.

We are only kids for such a short space of time and they are the days we will look back on with either fond memories or sheer horror.
And quite honestly I turned out to be a good and decent human being with a zest for making people laugh and I'm a law abiding citizen with a lovely life.
So as long as there no such thing as Karma I'm home dry!!!

Disclaimer: No teachers, animals or people were hurt during the aforementioned tomfoolery. Please do not attempt any the above without being confident you can get away with it.