Tuesday, 22 November 2011

What a difference a year makes xxxxx

Can you believe its been over a year since I started my blog. I do not know where this year has disappeared to. My last blog was written I am ashamed to say at the end of May !!!!!!!  I have no real idea why it has taken me so long to come back and write another instalment, I mean its not like I haven't been anywhere or funny things haven't happened because I have and they have. A friend of mine recently asked me why I had not written another instalment and I had no answer to give her. My only explanation was that I needed to write something whilst approaching 40 and then once I had turned that corner I suddenly dumped the blog, cruel I know but that's the only reason I could come up with.
So for all of you who have missed me I thought I would do a run down of all the things that have stuck in my mind over the past 6 months.......... if you get bored well I am sorry but knowing the people who read this I doubt you will.

1. Purchase of the year had to be my Quishions.......its not a Quilt, its not a cushion its a........Quishion, for all of the haters out there, who's sodding warm now snuggled underneath it. NOT YOU !!
2.Managing in the most spectacular style to knock a whole cup of hot chocolate over a friends bag and almost being banned from the coffee shop, personally I thought the bag looked very retro once I had finished.
3.Getting our Olympic Tickets was very nerve racking indeed, I wanted gymnastics, The Teenager wanted anything that involved a Blackberry, The Whirlwind would of been happy with BMXing and we ended up with The Husbands choice......water polo (and before anyone asks, no it does not involve horses and water).
4.Dinner Club has gone from strength to strength and I am now proud to know the most amazing group of women.xxx
5.Finally resigned from the PTA after 10 years, no more hunting like a lioness in the playground for some poor unsuspecting victim to ensnare into the bosom of all things glittery.
6.Managing to avoid The Whirlwinds sports day because he was off sick, whoever invented sports day should be lined up and have bean bags thrown at them in a very hard manner.
7.Coping with the worst case of gastroenteritis ever, 2 adults 2 kids and 1 loo....need i say anymore.
8.Being completely elated when I discovered that Dallas is coming back next year. "That's enough Jock"!!!
9.Going to Leeds Castle to watch fireworks and discovering that you can sit on a chair on a 90 degree angled hill, then drinking so much Pimms that you have to face your lifelong fear of using a Porto loo. GRIM !!
10.Going to our usual place in Devon only to find out that the lovely Cornish man that owned it last year had not only now moved in above the property, had a pack of Alaskan Husky Dogs on site which may I add was like living with the cast of Twilight. He was now a she called Paula who insisted on wearing full makeup with a skirt and a very nice waterfall cardigan. Pretty sure we wont be going back there next year!!
11.Being sooooo happy that Waitrose had come to town and being so proud when The Whirlwind announced that it was much more his type of shop. God Bless Snobbery.
12.After being forced to watch the Inbetweeners actually admitting that I loved it and becoming a huge fan.
13.Going to watch the Inbetweeners movie and cringing whilst The Husband laughed so much he shook the whole of the back row.
14.Taking part in a children's carnival dressed as a pirate in a barrel and walking up the whole length of the high street and not feeling the slightest bit embarrassed.. well not much anyway.
15.Having my feet nibbled by fish and becoming addicted to it only to find out that the shop went bust as the fish kept dying....hope it wasn't my feet that killed them. OOPS!!
16.Discovering that its OK to eat cupcakes as long as they have some type of fruit in them...well it must count as one of your five a day.
17.Giving Yoga a go and deciding that it wasn't for me..probably because it gave me the worst wind ever which could of been very embarrassing.
18.Going to my first ever fashion show where The Teenager rocked it down the runway...she takes after her mother you know.
19.Attending the party of the year dressed as Pam Ewing with The Husband dressed as Bobby, I must point out it was a fancy dress party. FAB!!
20.Being thrilled beyond belief that Steps have reformed......"Tragedy"!!!!!
21.Going to Champneys and being so proud that not one of us trumped in public this time.Although a walk did nearly get us lost but luckily we had Bear Grylls or as we secretly call her Wolf Stir fry with us.
22.Discovering that my writers block has vanished (as you may of noticed).

Phew!!! I am knackered just reading that lot. Well I am sure that after that lot you are sick and tired of me but it has been a bloody long time. The point I think I have made to myself and the whole reason for this blog is that turning 40 has been amazing not just all the places I have been but the whole thing. If i had known back when I was 18 how brilliant it would be being older I would of never worried about being alone and unmarried with no friends. I am never going to be a supermodel or the worlds best wife and mother but I am doing my utmost to be the best I can be at everything. Life is for the taking and I am grabbing it with both hands.

Thanks again for bearing with this one.

Lots of love to you all

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Furry Vengeance !!!

Hi Everyone.
Well as promised here is the next instalment of my blog. When I wrote to you all last it was my 40th birthday and since then I have to say I do feel completely different (in a good way). My life seems to have taken off in a totally new direction. I feel like my head is held a little higher and my confidence has gone through the roof, as well as the need to do lots of new and exciting things.
The list of things to do in my 40th year is rapidly decreasing and I am crossing things off each week. The latest thing to cross off was Archery. This all happened last week when the Husband and I plus 2 kids, a Grandma and 1 crazy dog headed off to Centre Parcs for 4 days. On arrival we were met by a very cheerful man who gave us the keys to our log cabin and went through a few rules about being in the middle of nature. Now even we were not paying attention or he just forget to tell us but it suddenly occurred on us as we were driving up and up and up and up a bit more that it was possible that we were going to get back to nature up in the clouds, our area was called Heavens Gate and let me tell you it was appropriately named.
Once we had passed through the Pearly Gates and had a chat with God himself we found our Log Cabin nestled in amongst the beautiful woodland of Longleat (or Heaven, whichever). We got out of our car only to be met by 2 other residents of the woodlands.......a couple of ducks sitting on our front porch as if waiting for us to let them in. As if by magic my mother who as you all know has an obsession with food produced a loaf of brown bread from god knows where and proceeded to feed them, well that was it our resident ducks never left for the whole 4 days, the kids lovingly named them Dora and Diego and each morning and evening then returned for their breakfast and dinner.
As if having a couple of ducks wasn't enough we were then inundated with squirrels, birds a deer and a family of badgers all of whom had their own feeding schedule drawn up by my Mother and kids. My Mother even seemed to have all the necessary food for each species. The poor dog was so traumatised by the whole pantomime that I think he will need therapy for at least a year.
On the Sunday it was my chance to cross of the Archery part on my list. The Husband, myself and the kids headed off to the Archery course with great anticipation. Once we had been given all the ground rules about not shooting anyone blah blah blah, we were paired up. The only problem was that The Husband was paired up with some woman who claimed she had done Archery at a professional level and I was paired up with the most boring man on the planet called Keith who quite frankly I think had had a sense of humour bypass. He informed me that the targets were not far enough away in his first sentence to me and I knew I wanted to shoot him through the foot. The session went a bit like some bad Its A Knockout for me with "Keith" hitting the bloody target most times and my arrow missing the target and ending up miles away.
I thought that all was lost when suddenly as if sent from the Angels a young instructor who must of sensed my need to kill "Keith" came behind me and in a very gentle way helped me fire my arrow which subsequently hit the target. Now I realise that he was young enough to be my son but I have to say I enjoyed the fact that this young good looking cross bow welding man was helping me, I think I did go a bit girly and giggled a lot as shot after shot he helped me aim my arrow and hit the target time and time again. Even when "Keith" said it was cheating as he hadn't had any help did I care. It was at that point that I asked when we could put an apple on our partners head and aim at that. That shut "Keith" up I can tell you.
I was broken from my Maid Marion/Robin of Sherwood trance when I suddenly remembered that The Husband was actually in the next bay and was watching me with Robin of Sherwood with what I can only describe as the sort of look you get when one of your kids does something so naughty but you cant shout at them as everyone will see. I smiled one of my sweetest smiles and gave him a cheeky wink and wandered over to him pretending I had know idea why he looked cross. He whispered in my ear "does that twat realise I am your 6ft 5 husband and I am holding a crossbow which is primed and ready to fire". WHOOPS !!!
I reassured him that he was only helping me because I was so fed up with "Keith" and he felt sorry for me, which I think he bought.
I left the lesson thinking what a fab time we had all had and felt very happy with myself for beating "Keith" and for not killing him with a single arrow to the head. The Husband still looked a little jealous about the the Robin of Sherwood thing which was quite cute as he doesn't usually do the jealous Husband thing. This was short lived as about 3 hours later we saw Robin of Sherwood with his partner...........another bloody man. Just my luck, although I haven't been able to wipe the smirk off of The Husbands face as he tries hard not to tell too many jokes.
We left our woodland retreat with many happy memories in tow. My Mothers personnel favourite being The Husband coming down the water flume like the penguin from Happy Feet. The Teenagers favourite thing was realising that you could still get Face Book on her Blackberry in the middle of the wilderness, the Whirlwinds most awesome memory (apart from sleeping in the woods and not getting scared after watching Dr Who) was
managing to get to the top of the climbing wall and then abseiling down whilst watching me gasp in horror at his bravery.
And my favourite memory, well that's an easy one................................ being with my gorgeous family feeling loved and cherished by each and everyone of them and realising that you make your own laughter in this life and lets face it folks we could all do with a little bit of laughter in this life.

Lots of Love

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

D Day !!!!!!! YIPPEE I'M 40 xxxxxxx

Well it’s here, the big day, the big and rather massive 40. I went to sleep last night in my 30’s and have awoken as a fully-fledged 40 year old. I lay awake last night thinking about every eventuality that may happen when I opened my eyes the next day…….. Would I suddenly feel different or sad or even dare I say it old.

Well in answer to my own fears I actually awoke feeling fantastic. I was a 40 year old woman who had amazing family and friends, my own teeth and not a grey hair in sight (mainly due to my gorgeous hairdresser who colours and snips away any signs of ageing from my head). I admit I do not have the body I would have liked to wake up wearing but you can’t have everything in this world. Every wobbly bit of me tells a story (or a dessert) and each line and wrinkle proves that I have lived and laughed and enjoyed the first 40 years of my life.
A good friend once told me that once you reached 40 you would wake up and realise that in this world not everybody will like you and will certainly not like everyone that you meet, that you will suddenly start saying “no” to things you don’t want to do and that you do not have to put up with things that have annoyed you for years but you have never had the guts to do anything about it.

So with that in mind I am venturing out into the big wide world with a new air of confidence in my stride. I am not sure when my first opportunity to say “no” will arise (probably when my mother shoves another slice of cake in my mouth) or when it will be necessary to voice my opinion about something I feel strongly about, but I do know that I am going to be too busy enjoying my next 40 years to worry about what anyone thinks. I will complete my list of things to do and I will laugh at every stage of the journey and then come back and write this blog which has been amazing fun.
They say that life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eye sight and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.
Well I say bring it on, if my arches fall I will wear stilettos, if rheumatism comes along I won’t have to go to the gym any more, if my eyes go wrong then that’s a great excuse to eat someone else pudding and claim I thought it was mine and as for telling a story more than once well I do that anyway so what the hell.
So that’s it folks, I am off to buy my first pair of incontinence knickers and Zimmer frame….no just kidding what I am actually going to do is eat far too much and drink lots of champagne and have a bloody brilliant time. Thanks for sticking with me up to this point and I hope you will continue to follow as I experience what is feels like to be a grown up. (scrap that, I will never be a grown up just the same old me).
Lots of love

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

I'll Be Watching !!!

I thought I would link up this very old post with the rather lovely Sarah Miles and her Monday Club Linky. With all the excitement of the Royal Baby arriving it got me thinking about how quickly time fly's past and how it only seems yesterday we were all excited about the royal wedding.

I am writing this blog on the eve eve of the Royal Wedding, to say I am excited is a slight understatement, I just cannot wait. I have so much bunting that quite frankly if Wills and Kate need any for their reception they are more than welcome to a few feet of it. My Royal Wedding day is beginning at 8am when I will put the TV on and listen whilst happily getting the house ready for the abundance of wedding loving guests that have been invited. My mum and her best friend will arrive first where my mother will hijack my kitchen and become Nigella for the day, thank god there is a load of food on offer all day as she will need to feed us all at least every 3 minutes.

I have gone as far as even having little crowns to go on the champagne glasses and a union jack cake stand for my red white and blue cupcakes. The Husband is quietly nodding and telling me how wonderful it will all be but after 16 years of marriage I know full well that what he is actually thinking is "what a load of trouble for a bloody wedding that we are not even invited too".
It is a lot of trouble but when you have a room filled with 8 women you cant help but get swept away with it all. We fully intend as only women can do to pull apart most of the outfits and take the mickey out of the dreadful stuck up commentators they always have on these things. I will in true fashion mimic the Queens voice and give my own commentary of the wedding. And all this whilst drinking Buck Fizz and eating cucumber sandwiches (with the crusts cut off). That's what you call multi tasking!!!

 The main reason I am going to so much trouble is that I think it will be lovely for The Teenager and The Whirlwind to look back on  and remember a day off school and a big party. I can still remember Diana and Charles wedding being such a fantastic day, I remember Diana getting out of the coach and us all holding our breath to see her dress and my mum saying "Don't worry they will take the dust sheet off in a minute.........oh there is no dust sheet that's the dress". Poor Diana she has never lived that bloody dress down.

The highlight of my Royal wedding experience was that about 2 weeks later my lovely Nan told me that she had got me a dress just like Diana's (without the creases) for my Sindy doll, I made my mum rush me over there with a naked Sindy ready to fit the dress onto her. She had wrapped it in a beautiful tissue parcel with ribbon, I carefully unwrapped it only to find that not only had she had knitted me one, it looked nothing like the real dress and even had red ribbon through it.Now I had been taught never to look disappointed but unfortunately that has never been a strong point of mine. As if the God of all decent Wedding dresses was looking down on me the best thing happened...... it didn't fit my poor Sindy. My Nan ended up putting it on her dolly that guarded her loo rolls, and Sindy went all the way home again NAKED, with me crying in the back seat of the car.

I wonder how many of you are watching the big day unfold and how many are just turning the TV off. Even if you are not into weddings I think it will be hard not to feel some level of happiness at the whole country celebrating the same event. I intend to eat drink and be very merry all day and all night. God only knows what I will do with all the bunting but who knows............ The Teenager is yet to find her prince, and when she does you are all invited.
Enjoy the day everyone.
Lots of love

Friday, 11 March 2011

I knew I should NOT of worn sensible pants !!

Hello to all of my loyal blog followers.
The last time I wrote my blog I had just had my back accident. Well its a good few weeks on and things have improved slightly but I am now walking like I have had an accident in my pants. I had a good walk once, not quite a sexy wiggle but quite a ladylike strut that The Husband always said made me look confident, he now laughs at me and calls me John Wayne.
Once the pain had died down I had my first appointment at my lovely Chiropractic, he explained that I needed a treatment called Pelvic Manipulation (The Husband said he thought a good shagging would have the same benefits), once I had removed my fist from his mouth (The Husband not the Chiropract ) I went along for this rather strange treatment. What I should explain before I go any further is that I have been a regular visitor to The Back Doctor for many years so I pretty much know the whole drill. I never wear sexy underwear due to the fact that you always have to strip off and then bend over in front of him, I'm not a prude but quite frankly I wouldn't inflict my cellulite riddden arse on anyone let alone pay for the embarassment.
So with that in mind I wear what I call my sensible pants, the are just normal knickers, nothing special. I arrive at the Docs and as predicted the first thing I have to do is strip off and bend over. Feeling quite proud of myself that there must be women sitting in the waiting area in G-strings completely unaware of what awaits them I happily bend over as far as my body allows.
He checks me over and gives me the verdict and treatment process (which by the way sounds sodding painful). He leaves the room for a bit to get me an exercise sheet and some gel stuff. So there I am all alone in the room with a mirror and a plastic spine thingy for company, I slid off the bed to get dressed and compose myself when I suddenly caught sight of myself in the full length mirror. What met my eyes was a horror show to say the least.......... I had faked tanned the night before so that I looked sun kissed, unfortunately due to the lack of mobility I hadn't quite rubbed it in on the back of my legs so I now had sort of Marmite coloured stripes all down the back of my thighs, as if this wasn't bad enough I realised that my "sensible" pants had a bloody great hole right in the middle of my bum cheeks AND they were inside out. At this point he knocked on the door and came in only to find me trying desperately to get behind the screen so that I could get  my jeans back on .
I am sure he must of been to the school of not saying the wrong thing because he said nothing  as if not a thing had happened and he had seen nothing. I should of known that my gob would take over and rather than also saying nothing I launched into a huge story about why my pants were inside out and had a huge hole in them, and how difficult it is to find good quality knickers these days that didn't rip. (don't ask how I know about knickers ripping, i am really not that sort of girl I promise).
It was at this point that I finally came out from behind the screen from getting dressed and realised to my complete embarrassment it wasn't the doctor but a young trainee who had only popped in to tell me to come down to reception when I was all done.
If there is one thing I am really good at it is making an exit when under complete humiliation, I thanked him and commented him on what a nice shirt he had on then promptly left the room willing with all my might that my sexy wiggle would return in case he watched my swagger down the corridor.
My whole theory of wearing sensible knickers has now been lost and next time I will be trying the female boxer pants look which quite frankly make my legs look shorter but at least they do not have any holes in them.
I wonder if as I get older I will just have to except that I will do even more stupid thing in my life, and actually is it such a big deal and do I really care. I always envy the small children who can throw themselves on M&S shop floor and have a huge tantrum, the times that I have wanted to do that when I have been stood in a queue for too long.
 Maybe I will try it next Saturday when I am out shopping ..... who wants to come with me ??????????????

See you all soon and thanks once again for reading this mad journey I am on. XXXXXXXXX

Friday, 21 January 2011


While I am writing this momentous blog I am currently laying in my bed unable to move from the waist down. Now I thought about making up a fascinating story involving the Karma Sutra and The Husband or telling you all that a tackled a robber in mid flow but I am sorry to say it is nothing anywhere near as exciting as any of those.
It all happened yesterday when I decided to be ultra domesticated and clean my bedroom windows, I thought that being the young supple thing that I like to think I am it would of been quite safe balancing on the bedside table whilst on the phone whilst trying not to fall out of the window (now that's what you call multitasking to any men out there). So there I was mid conversation about various things to do with choosing The Teenagers option subjects when for some reason only known to the 15 year old inside of me I happily jumped off of the bedside table and landed with the grace of a hippo in traction. Needless to say that the friend on the other end of the phone heard what I can only describe as the worst type of swearing known to man, the type of language that should never leave a ladies mouth and would not of looked out of place on a building site. My friend who is the ultimate lady very politely ignored the filth that left my mouth and carried on the conversation as if nothing had ever happened, I remember commenting afterwards that "that is going to hurt later", little did I realise how much.
Once I had put the phone down I went downstairs and laid on the floor to be on the safe side (usually this works with my back). This was all about 1pm, it was after about 1/2 hour I became aware that I could not move no matter how much I tried that was it I was well and truly stuck.
So I did what any normal person would do in this situation.......... I grabbed a magazine and waited for what seemed like an eternity , you see what I didn't tell you was that because I am such a neat freak I put the phone which is normally glued to me back on the hook which was now situated at the other end of the room up on top of the computer. I did try several attempts at throwing things at it so that it would fall to the floor and then try and train my rather stupid Spaniel in a very short space of time to "FETCH IT" but for those who have met   my gorgeous doggy will understand that he is not the brightest star in the sky, he looked at me for a very long time and just when I thought he may of understood he licked my face and lay down beside me with his head on my chest.
I guess by this time I had been laying for nearly 2 1/2 hours and quite frankly it was sodding uncomfortable. As if by magic the front door suddenly opened like something from Stars In Their Eyes and in walked the Teenager who promptly took one look at me said "having a nap mum"?????. If I wasn't in so much pain and in need of a wee I might of laughed.
So the evening progressed with a mixture of me crying in pain The Teenager having to dress me (trust me this is not something I pictured for many years) The Husband doing his best at crap jokes ie: "Don't worry darling you and your mum (who has no knee caps) can live together and then we will only have to pay for 1 Stanna Stair Lift and sit in bath thingy". And The Whirlwind not finding any of it funny as he thinks I am going to die, this probably stems from the throw away comment I made to The Teenager when I joked about them finding my body 2 weeks down the line with The Spaniel still laying on my chest. Note to self.........10 year old do not find this type of joke amusing.
So here we are now its the day after the day before and my wonderful Mum has driven all the way here at the top speed of 40mph to be at my beck and call, the problem I have now is not so much the excruciating back pain as much as the fact I am now 4 stone heavier due to the huge amount of food being funnel fed to me and not being able to fight her off.
My gorgeous neighbour has kindly delivered  what looks like a sexual implement cleverly disguised as a heat massager. This will be used this evening which was supposed to be Date Night for The Husband and I which we do once a week, this usually involves a lovely dinner with a bottle or 2 of wine, I think this evening may now consist of dinner on a tray and a bottle or 2 of Deep Heat with a side order or strong pain killers. I think the only bedroom activity going on tonight will be when he uses the massager on my lower back. Who says romance is dead !!!!!!!!

Monday, 10 January 2011

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time !!!!!

Hello to all my lovely Domestic Goddess followers. Well January is off to a tremendous start with lots of positive thoughts and ideas for my 40th year ahead. I had a good hard look at my list of things to do this year and decided that it was time to knock a few things off, so with that in mind I booked an Archery lesson. Its something I have always wanted to do ever since I was at some vile school camp thingy with wet socks and really annoying instructors who insisted that I would be perfectly safe down a hole in the ground ........ they soon changed their minds when I got stuck and had a complete panic attack!!!!!!!! Anyway back to the archery, had a go at this at camp and apart from spinning round too quickly with the crossbow primed and ready to shoot and the entire group of instructors ducking and screaming at me to put the bow down it all went very well. So am going to give it another go, I mean how hard can it really be I am very good on the Wii so fingers crossed. Obviously I will report back in my May blog about the whole experience (as long as I haven't been arrested for killing anyone).

The Husband and I decided that our first adventure would be a romantic weekend away, so with that in mind he booked a gorgeous hotel not far from home (this is just in case my mother who is babysitting decides that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to offer to look after The Whirlwind and The Teenager or in fact The Whirlwind and The Teenager didn't think it was a good idea to have grandma shoving food in every time they opened their little mouths to speak).
So the weekend begins with my rather romantic Husband telling me that he was going to book a couples treatment, this involved being in a room alone together and smearing some type of mud over each other (for those that know me and The Husband you will know that we are not exactly small people) I had visions of the poor therapists running outside to dig in the grounds for more mud as they didn't have enough on site. Once covered in the mud steam was then pumped into the room and then we showered it off of each other. To say I was horrified was an understatement all I could think about was that film Madagascar with the hippos in the mud bath singing to each other. So that was that idea out of the window, I then suggested that the money we saved on not having the mud fiasco treatment could be better spent on some sexy underwear for the evening.
This idea went down incredibly well, so I ordered some very tasteful but sexy lingerie. (This is not something I take lightly as I am no super model.)
So the evening comes and we go for a romantic meal where I forget about the lingerie and eat and drink far too much, this unfortunately made my stomach look like Winne The Pooh. We returned to the room and The Husband not realising that I felt so uncomfortable asked when I was going to show him what I had purchased. I felt I owed him at least a look so I grabbed my bag and headed for the bathroom, this is when it all went horribly wrong.
I squeezed my bloated stomach into the Basque which in turn pushed all the fat up to the bra area thus making me look like I had boobs like Dolly Parton, it was at this point I realised I couldn't see my feet any more so proceeded to put the Cami knickers on back to front and then put my thumb nail right through the stockings. I am sure many of you are now thinking that they would of given up but not me oh no!! I fluffed my hair up, redid my lipstick put on my high heels and proceeded out of the bathroom feeling unable to breath or talk.
I had such visions of The Husbands face but what I did not expect was to reveal myself to the theme tune of Match Of The Day and The Husband fast asleep and snoring.
To say I was slightly relieved was overwhelming, he looked so peaceful, how could I wake him and quite frankly I didn't want too!!
I decided to put the underwear away and wear it again when I have lost about 36 stone. The Husband was slightly disappointed but said that it wouldn't matter if I wore a bin bag ( note to self that it would be a lot cheaper to do that next time) he would love me whatever.
I think the moral of this story is to remember that we are all different shapes and sizes and we are all bloody gorgeous.xxxxxxx