Tuesday, 22 January 2013

The Famous 5 Go WalkABout.

One snowy night the Famous 5 (Aka me and my 4 gorgeous Dinner Club friends) ventured off out into the world of Narnia. It was the turn of Member number 6 to cook a delicious meal of honey roast ham, mashed potatoes and lashings of Ginger Beer.......

The snow had been heavy all day and night and all the next day so a winter wonderland awaited us. As I put on the biggest coat I owned, hat, gloves, scarf, thermal knickers and snow boots I waited patiently for the others to arrive so we could walk the 5 minute journey to our destination. Suddenly from out of the darkness a vision appeared.......Could it be a Yetty I thought as I squinted my eyes to see who it was. My question was answered as a familiar voice shouted "HELLO YOU.....YOU READY". My friend had gone one step better than me with not only a rucksack but a torch too and waterproof trousers. One by one we greeted each other and admired the many layers, hats and thermals we were all wearing. Was there no lengths we would go to to get our hands on Roast Ham and Profiteroles....In answer.....NO, there wasn't.

There was one of the club who decided that there was no way she was partaking in this thermal layering malarkey and appeared through the door like something from Stars In Their Eyes wearing nothing more than a very trendy leather bomber jacket, skinny jeans and boots. We all went into Mummy mode offering to lend her various bits of our outfits but she insisted she was OK.

The evening was fabulous and we all had far too much to eat and drink. As the clock struck 2am (Oh yes, we are Rock and Roll Mummys) the winter clothes were applied once again as we prepared to depart for the walk home. Something told me it wasn't going to be a normal walk.........And I was right.

As soon as we stepped out of the door the scantily dressed one decided it would be funny to start a snowball fight. (I think she forgot who had the least protective layers on.)

We then came up with the rather amazing plan to do snow angels and that was exactly what we did. A little piece of flat land came into view and we all went for it. Perfect angles for all the world to see. It was at this moment I realised I needed a wee really badly but said nothing in fear of someone making me laugh on purpose.

We carried on our journey like 5 nutters on an expedition in the North Pole chatting and giggling away. Once back at mine I noticed a strange look in the others eyes as they saw my perfect garden that had no footprints on. A shout came out "YAY.....MORE SNOW ANGELS".......This is where it all went horribly wrong for me.........I must point out that when they read this it will be the first time they know anything about it.............One by one the more agile dropped onto their backs and performed a perfect snow angel......"Come on you, get down" they said to me "It is your garden and think how funny the kids will find it in the morning"........I crouched down ready to gracefully lie down in the snow when suddenly I was shoved.................I lay there laughing to myself..........Not because I had been shoved but because I was happily weeing.....Oh yes.....It was coming out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. They of course didn't notice a thing and skipped off quite happily to their own homes wearing dry knickers.

I waddled indoors, threw my clothes into the washing machine and headed upstairs. The Husband looked at me rather strangely as I appeared wearing just the top half of my clothes. "Don't worry love" I said......" Just got my trousers wet when I did a snow angel".

As the morning arrived I heard The Whirlwind shout "MUMMMM someone has done an angel in our garden.........And....And.....Well....its a bit yellow".......................................I really had no answer for that other than.........

If this had been a real Famous Five Story it might of gone something like this......One evening Dick and Julian escorted Ann and George home after an evening of drinking Vodka Ginger Beer and eating ham. Ann suddenly without warning wet herself totally as George watched on in disbelief. The boys, doing the right thing averted their eyes as Ann looked on in horror as the snow turned yellow. "Don't worry Ann" said Julian "We can just blame it on Timmy"........."Oh Julian" squealed Ann "You really are such a clever thing"............

The moral of this story is to always make sure you never need a wee when walking home late at night in the snow and if you do have a little accident..........Well..................Just blame it on Timmy.

I'm off to buy plenty of Tena Ladies.

Lots of Love

This blog is dedicated to the most wonderful group of friends who have made me laugh until my sides hurt....They are known to the outside world as.....The Dinner Club. Love You All xxxxx


There is something quite wonderful about the 1st day of snow, something magical and amazing. I always know when it has snowed even before pulling back the curtains, there is an overwhelming silence that sweeps over the roads. As I look outside my first thought is that everything looks so clean and I do love a bit of clean. The sky is a sort of pinky colour and the trees take on a scene fresh from Narnia. The Husband creeps downstairs to make a hot drink and we sit and survey the wintry picture from our bedroom window. These few moments are special to me because in about 4 seconds it will all go horribly wrong.........4........3......2.......1..........

"MUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM look look its snowed",
"MUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMM, can we get up and go outside"?
"DDDDAAAAADDDDD can you get our sledges out"?

These dulcet tones kill any romantic snowy moment I may be having and the house turns into some kind of frenzied nightmare. The Husband is on the phone trying to sort out his whole team of staff working from home today, he in turn warns me that he will be on the phone most of the day so not to expect him to do anything remotely snowy today. This will also involve 400 cups of coffee being made and thrown over handed with love to him.

The Teenager has decided that although it looks really pretty it just isn't for her anymore as it will take way to long to get ready in appropriate snow fashion gear and her hair will get ruined. She is more concerned that she wont be able to get the bus into Brighton tomorrow and that if she cant it will be like totally rubbish.

The Whirlwind, who was initially super excited has realised that he has a day off from school and can in fact play his XBox almost all day (he thinks). Unfortunately for him the school has set Snow Day homework so he has to do that before he can do anything else. This revelation went down like a swarm of bees in your car and we then entailed an hour long rant of "ITS NOT FAIR" and "I HATE HOMEWORK".

For some strange reason I seem to automatically switch into Winter Hibernation Mode and get every small cooking appliance out to make a multitude of things to eat. At one point I had the slow cooker, bread maker and cake pop machine all going at the same time, my kitchen became some sort of live TV cooking show as I whizzed from counter to counter knocking up things to eat. The downside of all this beige cooking as I call it.....You know what I mean...Sausage rolls (beige), bread (beige), cheese straws (beige), cakes (beige). It eventually has an adverse effect on your digestive system by giving you the worst case of heartburn known to man thus resulting in Hubby and I literally swigging Gaviscon straight from the bottle.

The dog turns into some rare cross breed Mountain Goat/ Spaniel as he skips and hops through the snow and rather annoyingly turning some of it yellow. He then comes in with little snow balls stuck all over his legs which make him walk like something from Monty Python.

As the day draws to a close we all finish what we are doing and snuggle up under our blankets to watch a movie. The beige food is on the table for anyone that wants to risk internal burning and I have a glass of Baileys in my hand surveying the scene of family harmony. I make the most of this moment as I am fully aware that in about 12 hours we will begin the same ritual again.

Stay safe and more importantly upright.


Sunday, 13 January 2013

He Only Popped In For Change.

With Christmas and New Year well and truly finished I was feeling down in the dumps. The decorations had been boxed up and put shoved up in the loft and all traces of Christmas had been eradicated. The house looked so bare and boring that I ended up going out and buying fresh flowers just to give some colour in each room.

As the kids went back to school I was left alone to contemplate any New Years Resolutions I might want to make, I thought of the usual ones like loosing weight and getting fit, not drinking as much Gin and making more of an effort with people I hadn't seen much last year but decided that I go to the gym twice a week anyway, not drinking Gin was like not brushing my teeth and quite frankly if those people who couldn't be bothered to contact me last year didn't mind then neither did I.

The one thing I did decided was to take better care of myself.....As I sat there and looked down at my unshaven legs and unpainted toe nails it struck me that with all of the organisation and planning
that Christmas had taken I really had let myself go a bit. The Husband doesn't care (says he would fancy me if I was covered head to toe in hair)..............REALLY !! I don't think so.

My first port of call was the hairdressers. I have been going to the same fabulous salon for nearly 11 years now and I always go in feeling a complete trog and come out feeling a million dollars. This time I took the Northern Mother with me who was having a few low lights put through her hair. As we arrived we were seated and given an array of magazines as well as a cuppa. I didn't notice the man sitting beside us to start with as I was too busy trying not to look at myself in the enormous mirror that hung before me. Mum and I chatted about nothing in particular and my hairdresser gowned me up and wrapped a plastic bib type thing around my shoulders which made my head sink into my neck thus making me look like a baddie from Dr Who.

It was at this point The Northern Mother turned to the man on her left and said very loudly "Ooh ...did you know that you sound just like Nick Knowles from DIY SOS." He in turn looked startled at this sudden statement and said he'd never been told that before. This begun an evening of laughing, joking and basically stripping this poor man.........STEADY!!!!..............Of any ego he had left. We joked that he had only popped in for change and was now being subjected to a torrent of mickey taking.I have to say he took it all in good humour and even gave it back a few times. When you are all sitting there with tint on your head and in his case a plastic bag on his there really isn't much you cant share with each other. I guess mum and I were in there about 2 hours and even once we had finished he was still having his hair done, it was actually quite refreshing to see a young guy take such good care of his looks...(That or he was just enjoying our company so much he didnt want to leave). He didn't really stand a chance with me, Mum and the 2 gorgeous hairdressers but I guess he must of rather enjoyed it as he didn't make a sudden bolt for the door at any stage.

As the evening came to an end and I was de-gowned I allowed myself a look in the mirror. By God, she had done it..........I actually looked back to normal. Each time I go in I ask her to make me look like Davina and aside from the face, body, height and weight I did look just like her. The Northern Mother embarrassed me totally by declaring that she was sorry that hers was such a challenge but she had cut it herself with a pair of crafting scissors (my usual trick to give my fringe a quick chop) and that was why the back was a bit wonky.

I arrived home to the raptious sounds of "MUM.......HE WONT GET OUT OF MY ROOM"........
"MUUUUMMMMMM......SHE CALLED ME A MORON" followed by "How long does it take to colour your hair....I want to go to the gym"...........The only one who was really pleased to see me was the dog who wagged his little stumpy tail until it almost made him fall over. I in turn put both kids in their own rooms and firmly shut the doors, told The Husband that due to the fact he was bald he would never understand how long a hair do could take and cuddled the dog in appreciation of such a warm welcome.

Why Oh Why do I bother I asked myself as not one of them noticed my long shiny locks. I could of got upset and had a moan but I decided to pour myself a large Gin & Tonic, run a bath and have a long soak.....................I even shaved my legs.

Lots of love

Friday, 4 January 2013

The Midnight Blogger

For the past 9 nights something has happened to me, something I cannot explain or figure out. Usually my favourite time of the day is around 11pm, PJ's.....Teeth.....Wee.......Check kids then................BED. Usually I snuggle down making sure one leg is out of the covers and my bum is tucked in (just in case any creepy crawlies decided to venture near my nether regions.......I understand this is a bit weird but its something that has worried me since I have been 7). Once all of my crazy rituals are completed I USUALLY nod off quite happily.

This is what used to happen 9 days ago .........Not anymore.......Nothing.......No nodding off into a gentle dream like state....No yawning and no funny noises (You know the ones I mean, the little noises that escape your throat as your just nodding off, the ones that can sound a bit like a goose).
I now have a new set of rituals.......PJ's, teeth, wee, check kids.....BED, snuggle down, tuck bum in then.........Stare at the clock, listen with complete hatred as The Husband snores, stare a bit more at the clock and finally get up out of my lovely bed and begin the evenings entertainment of ....well....Not sleeping.

So here I am, its now 2.45am in the morning and after 2 hours of being wide...and I mean wide awake I have decided to write this blog in the small hope that it might tire my brain out. I have had 2 chamomile teas, watched 2 re-runs of Minder and The Professionals (God that Lewis Collins was a bit of all right wasn't he) and then decided to Google Insomnia. There are many strange remedies which included having sex and going for a run, neither of which I really fancy doing right now due to the fact that its cold and dark outside and if I wake The Husband up for sex he will never help me cure my sleep disorder and will instead welcome the fact that he gets to have his wicked way most evenings (plus, its not his birthday until September).

The house is remarkably quiet and I am sure that many of you out there will now be thinking that it actually seems like a great idea to stay awake and have a bit of alone time. My only company is the dog who keeps looking at me with a slightly confused expression on his face whilst wagging his tail every time I glance back at him. I have noticed how bloody noisy the fridge is and how my love of clocks is actually quite annoying due to them all ticking at different times. The ticking seems louder than ever and I have seriously thought about going round and taking all the batteries out of them to stop them reminding me that I am still bloody awake.

I have considered going for a walk but changed my mind when I admitted to myself that I would be scared. I wonder if there is a place all insomniacs go at this time of night, you know, like a hang out. I imagine it like a midnight Youth Club for grown ups, TV, tuck shop, pool table and smoking out the back (not that I smoke). Is there someone there serving Horlicks or Chamomile tea whilst giving you advice on how to go back to sleep. Does everyone have to stand up and say "Hello, my name is Keith and I am an a Insomniac", do all the other people nod and clap at his admission............NO....NO....NO.....Of course they don't.....Of course there no bloody club......You see this is my problem.....I cannot switch my brain off from random thoughts.

Sometimes I wish I could take my brain out, put it in a jar and not think. If my ideas and thoughts could be turned into a book/film I would be a millionaire.

 Oooooooooooo....I've just yawned.....What does that mean......Stop thinking about what it means and go with it I tell myself. Maybe blogging is the way forward.....Maybe I will change my name to...The Midnight Blogger.......Maybe I will start my own Insomniac Blogging Club..........You see, there I go again, more stupid thoughts clogging my head.

This is where I need your help. any suggestions, ideas, thoughts would be greatly appreciated please. I am willing to give anything a go as long as it doesn't involve sleeping tablets (tried that once before and ended up asleep on the bathroom floor).

Hope you are all sleeping well, I'm off for another cup of tea and then I will attempt to get a couple of hours shut eye.

Night Night............

P.S I am seriously considering that club you know.