2 Kool 4 Skool

I see different parents every day on social media that look so cool and think "why can't I be like that"..........I shall tell you why...................Because I am the Mother of two bloody Teenagers and there is no place on Earth that I will ever look or be cool in their eyes...........EVER.

Trust me when I say I have tried to impress them with my coolness and hilarity.......................It doesn't work, no matter what you do or say.

My advice is as follows..........

1. DO NOT attempt to speak to them when they have friends round (especially boys), the last time the Male Teen had his mates round I decided to pop upstairs and have a chat. "Hi Guys, whats going on"...............This was met with 3 hooded heads suddenly dropping to the floor and a variety of grunts emerged from their very red faces. "Nothing Mum.........Just nothing.......Can you shut the door please".................Oh well I thought, at least he said please.

2. DO NOT ever suggest that maybe you could get a similar top to the Female Teen. This will be greeted with a look of sheer horror................"But I just thought we would look cute in the same top"................................"CUTE MUM.......REALLY.........CUTE........WHO EVEN SAYS THAT"...................Bad idea then.

3. DO NOT try and photo bomb them when they are on Snap Chat...............I almost ended up with the new IPhone implanted up my arse when "I" thought it would be hilarious to pop up behind her mid Snap Chat.....................

4. "Lets do a video of us singing Frozen in the car"...............................No words were returned as she just got out of the car and walked home.

5. "Shall I come in to the party to get you"?........................................Now this is actually a top tip of mine if you want to get your Teen to come out on time. Trust me, even a small hint that you might join the party and start joining in will force them to be waiting outside as you pull up.

6. DO NOT attempt to "Rap".......................Iggy Azalea has got nothing on me .............Unfortunately both Teens were in the car as I claimed to know all the words. I didn't even realise that two 5ft something humans could fit in the foot wells of my car.

7. Apparently according to both Teens I talk very loudly when I think I am whispering so DO NOT try and be funny about teachers at parents evening.....................................I don't really know what the problem was.............................All I said was how sad I was that he wasn't doing PE.............You get the drift.

8. DO NOT dance...................EVER............Even though I went to dance school with Steadman from 5 Star (well, I didn't actually go to school with him but he was in the next dance class to me) this means nothing to Teenagers as I bust my moves. I am even too embarrassing to be filmed, posted on YouTube and mocked apparently.

9. Never shout things out of the car at them...............Like..........."LOVE YOU" or "MAKE GOOD CHOICES TODAY HUNNY"...................And my personal favourite "SEE YOU LATER MY
LITTLE PRINCE".

10. If a someone from the opposite sex breaks your Teens heart DO NOT drive slowly past him/her and his new squeeze with the window down giving him/her the "I'm watching you" look..........Especially do not do this if your heart broken teen is in the car with you..................

All of the above are vital for survival yours and theirs and once though the other side which I am pleased to say is almost upon me with the Female Teen things will look much better.

Face facts that you will never be totally cool in their eyes and that's fine, in fact it is more than fine.......................Its so much more fun to have a few things up your sleeve that might make them cringe.

Good Luck Out There xxxx








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5 Things I Never Told My Parents

I spent last weekend with some old school friends.................Not old in the sense of "old" but old in the sense of I have known them a really long time. We are all in our 20's.................30's..............OK, OK who am I kidding 40's and I have to say we are all looking bloody fabulous, admittedly there is a bit more of me than there is of them but whats 15 stone between friends. 

This reunion got me thinking about my school days and especially my teenage years, I know I moan about my two but if I am really honest..........................Really honest..............They are actually pretty perfect compared to me. Maybe that's why they are the way they are, not only have I worn the t-shirt iI have washed it, tumble dried it and worn it again. 

My Mum who worked incredibly hard had a hairdressing salon built in our house so I was pretty much allowed to come and go as I pleased........................In truth I took full advantage of this situation and worked out quite quickly that the best time to ask for money or whether I could go out was when she was right in the middle of a perm or highlights..........."Yes, yes" she would say "Just take £5 out of my purse and be back when it starts getting dark"..........................SCORE !!!!

What could I do first ?????????????

1. Smoke - Yep, that's right I smoked....................Well, I say smoked.............What I actually did was suck it in and blow it out. We smoked some type of Spanish cigarette that my friend used to pinch from her Dad and if I am truthful they were disgusting. We would hide behind the local shops and puff away thinking we looked so cool, then one of us would run to the shops and buy a packet of Polo mints so we could disguise the smell..............I remember the first time I actually inhaled the vile taste and coughed and sputtered just as the boy I fancied walked past......Cool hey.

2. Annoy the shop keepers - This was a particular favourite past time of mine, I am only amazed they didn't give us a good hiding. My best friend and I even got locked in one store..............I can still remember it now, it was The House Of Holland shop and we loved it. We were only supposed to go in there to have a look at the toys but decided to hide from the manager, after 20 minutes we suddenly realised we had been locked in whilst he went to lunch............Did we cry or panic ??? Nope.......We rode round the whole store on display bikes. Once we saw him coming back we hid again, waited for him to open up and then strolled out as if nothing had happened.

3. Set up my own hairdressing salon - During the summer holidays whilst Mum was out I actually set up my own shop.....................IN HER SALON................After spending so much time watching Mum do highlights I became a bit of an expert. Remember the jelly cap with the holes....................Yep..........................I did that. My friends would come round and after popping the cap on and pulling the hair through with the hook thingy I would then mix up the bleach and paint it on their hair.....................20 minutes later................Ta Da..................Beautiful just walked out of the salon hair..................£2 please...................Thank you very much......................Mum never even noticed her depleting bleach stock.

4. Hack The Telephone - My Dad fed up with a huge phone bill decided it would be a good idea to install a lock on the dial of the phone (God now I am showing my age)........................I in turn learnt that if you tapped the black buttons under the receiver very quickly it did in fact dial each number for you. My Dad could never understand what the hell was going on when the bill came through equally as high as it was before the lock.

5. Excluded from school - This is by far the worst thing I ever did...................I am almost embarrassed to admit it...........................I got excluded from school for 2 days (and I am not telling you what for before you ask, only that it involved frozen Prawns), rather than tell my parents I decided to intercept the letter that plopped on the doormat informing them of my impeding exclusion. Not only did I forge their signatures I then handed it in to the school office telling them that my parents couldn't come in due to work commitments...........And they bought it....................I couldn't believe my luck. Now my problem was how was I going to get away with this dastardly plan...........I will tell you.................Each morning I would go to school as usual but instead of actually going there I would sit in the park with the other 2 girls that had been excluded and sunbath all day............................................Shocked.......................I was.............................I am fair skinned and sunbathing was not for me. After 3 days of sunning it I ended up with a heat rash and a bloody thumping headache..................Karma had struck.

My poor Parents..................................What was I even thinking about when I did these things. I feel like I have just taken confession and actually feel much lighter.....................................................Who am I kidding...........................................I loved every minute of it and I suppose in the grand scale of things I was only doing what all Teens were doing at the time.............................What ????................You weren't doing those things ?...................................Just me then.

Sorry Dad and Mum xxxxxxx

Save or Strand

We played a game this weekend called Save or Strand...............It involved listing 5 famous people (fictional or non fictional) you would save on a beautiful remote island along with yourself and another 5 that you would strand on a raft destined for shore. This got me thinking and below are the results.........

Save List 

Imagine the scene, a beautiful island with plenty of vegetation and natural water......Who would I have with me...............

1. Steve Backshall - Obvious reasons................No, no not those reasons......I am thinking more of someone to deal with all the creepy crawlies, animals and fire building..........I am........Honestly.

2. Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall -  I would never starve and he could teach me how to cook properly............It may come as a surprise to you with a name like The Domestic Goddess but I am a totally crap cook......My kids thought Fish Fingers were black for years until they went to a friends house and refuse to eat orange ones as they "weren't cooked".......Whoops.

3. Dr Phil - Just in case anyone needs a good chat and some advice..................To be honest I think I might be too busy cooking and following Steve around to need any help.

4. Alex O'Loughlin (Hawaii 5 O) - You never know when you might need an ex Navy Seal to protect you and hold you tight at night if you get scared..........................It is very possible I will get scared a lot..........A LOT.

5. Mickey Flanagan - Someone to keep moral up and teach me the Limp Drag walk.

So there we go my Save List, you will notice I have no other women on the island. This has been done intentionally as I would hate to have to get cross with anyone if they wanted to "get scared" one night and need the protection of Steve and Alex...........Its only fair.

Strand List

These souls would be on a well built craft heading out to an island a very long way away from me....

1. Christian Grey - Quite frankly I couldn't cope with all the sex and would only end up getting Cystitis and feeling thoroughly miserable. Although I might have to ask to borrow his rope and Duct tape before he sets sail.

2. Justin Beiber - Quite frankly he can jump off the raft if he's feels like it.............Spoilt Brat.

3. Miley Cyrus - Same reasons as above and all that sticking your tongue business would get right on my nerves.

4. Bear Grylls - Why anyone would want to roll in snow and eat poisonous mushrooms is beyond me and I just cannot stand him. He might of been in the SAS but he's on my raft.

5. And finally.......As many politicians as possible....I know this is cheating but honestly its like listening to a load of kids in Playschool all fighting over one toy. Get a grip "ladies" and stop arguing about pointless things..................

So, there we have it folks. My Save or Strand list, now its time for you too tell me one person to go on each list........Its harder than you think.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx