Pavement Snogging

Have you ever felt so stupid you wanted the pavement to swallow you up ?..................................This literally and I mean literally happened to me last Thursday.

Picture the scene....................We had just been out for a nice meal out to celebrate M getting a 1st in her first year at Uni and H successfully completing his mock GCSE's without any major meltdowns (apart from the one morning where he declared "school is shit" and stropped off almost as if to the sound track from Star Wars when Darth Vader walks in.

We had had a wonderful evening and as usual eaten far too much..........................Why do I always do that, why do I know full well that having that Ginger and Treacle Tart is just a step too far but still I inhale it. Why once I've had to undo the last buckle on my belt do I insist on just trying the Sticky Toffee Pudding and Chocolate Brownie from everyone else plate.............................By everyone else, I do mean my family not just random people in the restaurant.........................That would just be bloody rude. Can you imagine just wandering round with a fork saying "sorry but would you mind if I just sampled a bit of your dessert".........

Anyway, I digress...............................We had paid the bill and went outside to the car. We had bought the car due to the extreme Monsoon style rain that had engulfed us earlier but now it was warm and sunny and quite frankly I'm not sure I would of fitted in the passenger seat. "Lets walk" I said to M, "the boys can drive and we'll stroll home". I had suggested this in the hope that the 3 minute walk home might move the food that was now slowly sliding its way down my chest into my tummy much quicker. "Good idea Mum" she happily replied................................I felt complete, my family were all back together in one place and finally I could get a good nights sleep.

It was at this point it all sort of went horribly wrong....................Mr DG and H decided that it would be hilarious (in their eyes only) if they tried to race us home. This in itself was the most ridiculous idea ever............................Not only am I fat and not very quick on my feet but I was full to the chin with food and wine.

Unbeknown to me they had hidden just around the corner from our house, as we wandered like 2 peas in a pod the sudden rev of a car engine startled us so much I'm not actually convinced a small amount of wee didn't come out...........................M screamed and turned to run laughing as she filmed him coming round the corner.........................I did a sort of Scooby Doo style running on the spot manoeuvre only to suddenly feel my ankle kind of "pop" and then as if in slow motion...............................I started to fall.............................And roll.............................And fall a bit more. Imagine Bodie and Doyle on The Professionals.......................Well, it was nothing like that but you get the drift.

I don't really remember much else as I momentarily fainted due to the pain, I do remember Mr DG scooping me up (this is a challenge in itself) and plonking me into the back of the car. Once inside The Northern Mother who had been dog sitting took control and shouted at H who was by this point fanning me with the latest WI magazine. M just kept saying "Oh my God, she went with such a bang, look look I got it on film" and Mr DG attempted to wrap a bag of Peas around my rapidly swollen foot.

On close inspection not only had I cut all my arms but my new blouse was ripped to shreds........................On the plus side, my large handbag that everyone takes the mickey out of had cushioned my fall and my new watch had survived the impact.

To cut a very long story short , I am now on crutches awaiting the swelling to go down so that I can have an Xray to see if its broken.......................The crutches are a total sodding nuisance and I have tripped over them several times, not whilst using them but whilst they are propped up against the stairs.

I don't do well with sitting still and quite frankly I have no bloody time for this "elevate your foot" malarkey..........................My date with the pavement was not an enjoyable one and I don't intend to follow it up or call him or text or MMS or even Facebook.

The only thing that made the whole experience worth while was the fact that I have caught up on Love Island and watched several episodes of The Great British Sewing Bee............................ Apart from that its been utterly boring.

Anyway folks....................Keep your fingers crossed for me that its not broken or I might have to revert to Jeremy Kyle and we really don't want that now do we......................

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

10 Question Challenge..........

I was recently sent a questionnaire from a friend.......Oh God I thought, another load of questions about nothing. I will admit I was wrong. They really made me think................In fact they made me think so much I thought I would share them with you. 

1. When were you last really scared ?
That's an easy one............It was the other night whilst Mr DG was away and I had very stupidly watched an episode of Luther. Suddenly whilst half asleep I heard a bang outside, I sat bolt upright in bed and looked around for someone more adultier (I'm not sure that's a word and spell check doesn't like it) than me......................Realising very quickly that I was the most grown up one in the house I woke the Teen up and made him come downstairs with me.....................No idea what it was..............................We decided not to open the back door.

2. When you were growing up what was your dream job ?

My dream job as a child changed on a regular basis and ranged from wanting to be a Nun to a Dolphin Trainer. I once told a guy in a nightclub I was CID..............He didn't hang around for long.

3. If you could wake up in somebody else body tomorrow who would it be ?
Definitely Victoria Beckham...........Only so I could eat what ever I wanted all day (that woman needs a good meal)........Give David a kiss and ring the press so I could give them some shots of me smiling.

4. Your favourite piece of music ?
My favourite piece has to be Debussy Clair De Lune due to having my daughter to it, unfortunately my son was born to the Damien Omen music.....................Seriously, it really was.

5. Fondest childhood memory ?
That's easy, running from pretend giants with my beloved Dangrad (Granddad) and hiding behind some enormous Oak tress laughing until our sides hurt. I remember trying to recreate it once with my kids who looked at me as if I had lost the plot...................Maybe at 15 and 18 they were a bit old but the dog loved it.

6. If you could be any age for a week what would it be ?
I think I would like to be 17 again, just so I could make something of myself rather than wasting it on partying. 

7. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning ?
"Oh crap..... I haven't tumble dried the Teens PE kit............." How sad is that. 

8. If you could have one superpower what would it be ?
I would like the ability to time travel.............................But.................I would like to be able to change it without the massive consequences Dr Who talks about. 

9. Best compliment ever received ?
The best compliment I have ever received was a few weeks ago after the sad death of Victoria Wood. A good friend replied to a comment I had made on FB saying that second to her I was the funniest person she knew and my stories always made her think of Victoria. RIP Vic you were my hero xxx

10. Favourite word ?
OK.........Sorry Mum...................I'm afraid my favourite word ever is "Vagina" followed closely by "Bollocks"...................God, I can almost hear the click as people log off in disgust. 

Now its your turn..............Choose one of the above questions and give an honest answer in the comment box.

Sorry about the use of the word Vagina............Oh no I said it again...............Bollocks!!!!!

Love 
Me
xxx

Guess What ?..................I'm Back.

Its been 174 days since my last blog, 24 weeks and 6 days since I last sat here and looked at this screen.............I think I might of been a little hasty when I retired. At the time I needed a break, at the time I was bored, frustrated and slightly pissed off at feeling redundant from the blogging world. But........................And it's a big but............................I have missed it, missed it much more than I ever thought I would. People have asked me why............Why did I just stop?. There is no simple answer it was just how I felt at the time.

The last time I wrote anything was before Christmas and we had gone through a huge amount of change. Moving house, health issues and the biggest trauma.........The Female Teen (M) leaving home for Uni.

6 months on...................Guess what?...................I'M BACK. I have made a deal with myself that this time I will not put pressure on myself to blog every 10 minutes about general crap, I will not get stressed out when I don't get many comments and I will certainly not sell my soul to companies hoping to cash in on the fact I regularly say the word "Vagina" and "Weak Pelvic Floor".

This feels so alien to me now...............I almost feel a fraud writing again. Here goes.........................Be patient with me.

One of the biggest things to happen to me this year was becoming a "different" kind of parent. It took me many months to adjust to my eldest leaving home and if I'm completely honest I became a total bloody nightmare. Freshers week was the worst and I suddenly realised why she had decided to go 3 hours away...............................The times I thought about just going down there and hiding in various hedges to spy on her was overwhelming. The visions of her being attacked, kidnapped and robbed became regular dreams and I began to sit up and wait until I knew she was home before getting any sleep. She would text me without fail just to say she was home but even then it would take me another hour to get back to sleep..........................Running on 2 hours sleep a night did me no favours and I had to give myself a serious talking too..................................The black circles under my eyes resembled a Panda and my bags were so big they look more like trolleys.

Every time she came back I cried and every time she went back I cried again...............................Who was this person I had become, who was this gigantic mess staring back at me in the mirror. I had lost my sparkle and even worse than that I had lost my "funny".

Then, as if by some form of magic...........................It stopped..................................I stopped crying, pinning and waiting and I realised that she was fine. In fact she was more than fine she was bloody great, she had the most fabulous housemates who all looked after her as she was the youngest and regularly waved hello to me in the background of a Face Time chat. Admittedly I was almost caught naked once as I hadn't realised I had clicked "video" and she was in the kitchen surrounded by her housemates......................................I have never moved so quickly in my life.

We have been down to Bath a few times and she even surprised me by turning up on the doorstep one Monday morning after getting 3 trains and a bus................................After the initial excitement and much screaming I then went into panic mode that she hadn't told me and what if something had happened......................."Calm down Mum" she said "I let people know I was coming home in case I hadn't arrived by 5pm"...............................You see, she really is fine.



The Boy Teen (H),who is now 6ft tall and talks like Prince William.........I kid you not has renewed his love for her and can't wait to see her every time she's home. They sit and chat for hours and hours about things I have no clue about and then laugh hysterically as I try to include myself in their conversation.

As June ends and July approaches I am so excited to have M home for 3 months.......Bloody Nora...........................3 months..............................Its going to be very strange having another female in the house again after all this time. I have got quite used to being the only one having PMT and mood swings and I'm not sure I am ready to share. I am accustomed to only clearing up after one kid and not two and most of all I don't want to share my make-up and beauty products............................What have I turned into.?..........................Am I suddenly the worst parent ever?.............................Nope....................I'm just a different kind of parent whose grown up along with my daughter.

H is already talking about going to Uni in the future so I guess I'm going to have to go through it all again one day. At least next time I know I will survive and I will cope better than I expected.............................And lets be honest, if he goes to Uni the only thing I will have to worry about is him actually getting up for lectures and washing his clothes...............Ha ha ha ha washing his clothes..............Now that is funny.


YES...........I DID IT..........I BLOGGED.........I'M BACK!!!!!

Lots of love
Me xxxx