Pavement Snogging

Have you ever felt so stupid you wanted the pavement to swallow you up ?..................................This literally and I mean literally happened to me last Thursday.

Picture the scene....................We had just been out for a nice meal out to celebrate M getting a 1st in her first year at Uni and H successfully completing his mock GCSE's without any major meltdowns (apart from the one morning where he declared "school is shit" and stropped off almost as if to the sound track from Star Wars when Darth Vader walks in.

We had had a wonderful evening and as usual eaten far too much..........................Why do I always do that, why do I know full well that having that Ginger and Treacle Tart is just a step too far but still I inhale it. Why once I've had to undo the last buckle on my belt do I insist on just trying the Sticky Toffee Pudding and Chocolate Brownie from everyone else plate.............................By everyone else, I do mean my family not just random people in the restaurant.........................That would just be bloody rude. Can you imagine just wandering round with a fork saying "sorry but would you mind if I just sampled a bit of your dessert".........

Anyway, I digress...............................We had paid the bill and went outside to the car. We had bought the car due to the extreme Monsoon style rain that had engulfed us earlier but now it was warm and sunny and quite frankly I'm not sure I would of fitted in the passenger seat. "Lets walk" I said to M, "the boys can drive and we'll stroll home". I had suggested this in the hope that the 3 minute walk home might move the food that was now slowly sliding its way down my chest into my tummy much quicker. "Good idea Mum" she happily replied................................I felt complete, my family were all back together in one place and finally I could get a good nights sleep.

It was at this point it all sort of went horribly wrong....................Mr DG and H decided that it would be hilarious (in their eyes only) if they tried to race us home. This in itself was the most ridiculous idea ever............................Not only am I fat and not very quick on my feet but I was full to the chin with food and wine.

Unbeknown to me they had hidden just around the corner from our house, as we wandered like 2 peas in a pod the sudden rev of a car engine startled us so much I'm not actually convinced a small amount of wee didn't come out...........................M screamed and turned to run laughing as she filmed him coming round the corner.........................I did a sort of Scooby Doo style running on the spot manoeuvre only to suddenly feel my ankle kind of "pop" and then as if in slow motion...............................I started to fall.............................And roll.............................And fall a bit more. Imagine Bodie and Doyle on The Professionals.......................Well, it was nothing like that but you get the drift.

I don't really remember much else as I momentarily fainted due to the pain, I do remember Mr DG scooping me up (this is a challenge in itself) and plonking me into the back of the car. Once inside The Northern Mother who had been dog sitting took control and shouted at H who was by this point fanning me with the latest WI magazine. M just kept saying "Oh my God, she went with such a bang, look look I got it on film" and Mr DG attempted to wrap a bag of Peas around my rapidly swollen foot.

On close inspection not only had I cut all my arms but my new blouse was ripped to shreds........................On the plus side, my large handbag that everyone takes the mickey out of had cushioned my fall and my new watch had survived the impact.

To cut a very long story short , I am now on crutches awaiting the swelling to go down so that I can have an Xray to see if its broken.......................The crutches are a total sodding nuisance and I have tripped over them several times, not whilst using them but whilst they are propped up against the stairs.

I don't do well with sitting still and quite frankly I have no bloody time for this "elevate your foot" malarkey..........................My date with the pavement was not an enjoyable one and I don't intend to follow it up or call him or text or MMS or even Facebook.

The only thing that made the whole experience worth while was the fact that I have caught up on Love Island and watched several episodes of The Great British Sewing Bee............................ Apart from that its been utterly boring.

Anyway folks....................Keep your fingers crossed for me that its not broken or I might have to revert to Jeremy Kyle and we really don't want that now do we......................

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx