10 Things You Never Say To A Teenager

"Aren't you going to put a coat on ?" I asked on a particularly freezing -2º kind of morning. This question was answered with a grunt and then a huff as if to say"Yeah right, I have a jumper and blazer on. Why the hell do I need a coat...........I am a Teenage Boy and I DO NOT do coats".

What is it with them ?..................I often find myself asking this question. What happens between the age of 11 and 16 is something that will forever baffle me.......I know I know its hormones blah blah blah. But what about what really happens......................Like what really goes in their minds. I walk around on egg shells some days not wanting to say the wrong thing or fuel a massive strop, I don't remember being like this (or though my Mother will probably say different). With this in mind I have learnt the careful art (and it is an art) of not what to say and when not to say it.


1. Hurry Up - This will be met with rather interesting response that may involve a swear word or two, you cannot I repeat cannot hurry a Teenager up. They are on their own schedule and will not change it for anyone............Especially you!

2. Why don't you do that extra piece of homework if your bored ? - Expect school books to be shoved back in bag and a rant of "I'm so tired.......I'm not doing anymore than is necessary. If they wanted me to do it they shouldn't of said OPTIONAL" This may be followed by a sudden urge to disappear upstairs and pretend they have "other" stuff that is far more important.

3. So, what do you want to be when you finish school - This question is usually asked by older relatives that haven't seen them morph into a Teenager and is answered with a shrug or a simple "Dunno". To be honest at 13 I don't think I knew what I wanted to be,  I vaguely remember wanting to be a Dolphin Trainer or a Nun at some stage.

4. I absolutely forbid you to do that - This will be met with the most hysterical laughter and rolling around on the floor by The Teenager. Saying that I did use the sentence "You will not find anyone higher than me at this moment, not even GOD" which did seem to evoke a stunned reaction before the laughter began.

5. Whats wrong - The most pointless question ever if asked to a Teenager, they have no clue whats wrong so why the heck should they be able to tell you the answer. I find a more subtle approach is needed like "I'm downstairs if you need a hug" I would imagine from the boys point of view this is their worst nightmare but on the rare occasion it has worked.

6. Can you tidy your room please - Again, pointless.

7. Is that what you're wearing ? - The minute this comes out of my mouth I instantly regret it, why oh why did I say it. Not many words are exchanged but its the look that is shot at you from a 17 year old female of the species. If looks could kill.........I wouldn't be typing this.

8. Shall we do a selfie together - Good luck with this one.......

9. When I was your age - They don't care about when you were young, in fact I don't even think they recognise you were young once. To them you were born into an era of no social networking, no phones and Crackerjack..................Actually I can see their point.

10. We'll See - Teenagers are much like toddlers and cannot deal with the uncertainty of an unanswered question. A full description is needed along with photographic and legal evidence to back up any plans that they need confirming.

They are just a few questions that I try not to ask but I could go on and on and on.......................To be honest both of mine aren't really that bad and I love them to death even with all the strops and mood swings. I guess one day they will have kids of their own and will be happy to accept any advice I might have............................................Although, I might reply with one
word............................."DUNNO".

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxxx

Puzzled......

I am officially a Puzzler...............Not in a "wondering what the hell is going on" kind of way but a master of placing little cardboard pieces in amongst a jumble of colours and sizes kind of way.

Confused ?????? ...................................Let me explain.

We received a jigsaw over the Xmas period to which I am ashamed to say I laughed at and thought "how old do you think I am?" and "You obviously think I have too much time on my hands". It was only when I was incredibly bored one afternoon that I thought I might give it a go......................How hard can it be for Gods sake....................................I'll have it done in an hour..............................Whilst doing the housework..............WRONG WRONG and WRONG again.

I remember watching my Nan separate the little pieces out into different boxes so that she had all the bits with white on in one and red pieces in another. The jigsaw would sit there unfinished for days and I was always allowed to put the last piece in which resulted in a huge cheer from my Grandparents as if I had done the whole thing myself.

Anyway, there I am with 1000 pieces of little bits of cardboard laid out in front of me..........DO THE EDGES FIRST I hear my Nans voice in my head....................................So, I did. I must just point out that it was at this point I realised I needed glasses.

After an hour I was ready to chuck it through the patio doors and forget I ever had it but then something happened...............Something I didn't expect............................The Teenagers appeared and did something very strange, something quite out of the ordinary for two humans that usually come in and launch their bags anywhere they see a space on the floor then disappear upstairs grunting about their "RUBBISH" day. 

They stopped, stared at the puzzle and began to pick pieces up looking for a home for them. I in turn wasn't sure whether to slope off without making a sound and leave them to it in the hope that they might finish it. I watched for ages as they laughed and shouted "YES" when a piece fitted in, I made everyone a cuppa and we all stood round working together.........................To be totally honest after 2 hours we had only managed 20 bits but it was the harmony and laughter that I was amazed at. The usual arguing of who said what was replaced with chatter about school and how they both fancied Pizza for tea.

It didn't stop there either, each day someone would pop in and have a go too, it became quite a race to see who could reach the end. The Female Teen was fabulous at it and I watched in amazement at her ability to find a piece I had been looking for all day, her friends came round and had a go too and I started to wish we would never finish it so that this moment could last forever.

Then, yesterday it all came to an end...........................I looked at the table and realised there were only 20 bits left, I was alone and this was not the way I wanted it to end.............................I wanted everyone to be together and cheer at our joint achievement.....................Yeah Right...................................As If........................................I  totally wanted to be the one that completed it.................And I did.

The last piece slotted in with ease and I lifted my hands up like I had won the World Cup.......................I hadn't of course, just the satisfaction that it was done. 

It"s still sitting on the dining room table today and I can't quite bring myself to take it apart, I know I must....................It can't sit there forever.......................We have been eating on our laps for a bloody week...........................Mr DG can't work from home as theres no room.....................But, and more importantly the other reason it has to go is actually quite simple.

I need the table for the next one I've just ordered.

Lots of Love

The 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess Experienced Puzzler Extraordinaire.

xxx

The Tea Dance

If you read my last post you will know that we had some sad news over the Christmas period and Mr DG's beloved Nan passed away. During the clearing of her flat he stumbled across this beautiful poem written on a piece of paper and hidden away.

We can only assume that it was a very special and much loved poem that she liked so much she kept it safe and sound for many years. She and I had a very similar sense of humour so you can see why I loved the fact it fell into my hands.

It is her funeral this Friday and I thought it would be nice to share it with you all and hope that she is looking down and smiling.

There is no named author on it so if anyone knows please let me know and I can credit them too.

The Tea Dance

It's the Sunday tea dance and they'll be here today

Aches and pains forgotten, dance the afternoon away

Foxtrots, quicksteps, waltzes, some slow but some still nifty

With memories of how it was back in 1950

Norman's in the toilet and he's struggling to pee

He's got trouble with his prostrate and he'll likely miss his tea.

Eddy's got a new love that he met in Thornton Heath

She does a lovely tango, but she hasn't any teeth

His latest fancy footwork nearly broke his partners neck

Thought he was Fred Astaire, or something I suspect!

Ida's had her hair done and she's ready for the saunter

She had a vindaloo last night and it's coming back to haunt her

Florry's mini skirt's revealing when she's spinning in the jive

She really shouldn't wear a thong approaching 85.

They've had their tea and cake and chat and had a little laugh

And gamely rise with creaking knees to face the second half

Norman's made it back in time for a rumba number one

His cucaracha's very neat but he's left his flies undone!

Vera's fallen over in a massive crimplene heap

Bert's got indigestion and Mabel's fast asleep.

Its waltz time and up they get for Humperdink's old tune

And then; Goodbye, good luck, take care God willing see you soon.

Author
Derek Prothero

I'm Back.............

Morning all and a very happy new year to everyone who reads my ramblings and rants. I feel like I should say sorry for not blogging for so long but there have been strange goings on here.

It has been exactly 48 days since I blogged last and my last post talked a lot about going back to work and my fears concerning returning to the work place after 18 years. I haven't changed my mind and am hoping to stumble across my calling any time soon. The past couple of months have been....................Well.............How can I put it.................Shit to be honest.

After having a tooth out back in November I developed the most horrendous jaw pain which was 24hours of constant give me more drugs mind numbing excruciating pain...................I won't bore you with all the details but you get the drift. The final conclusion after seeing the specialist and the words "Tumour" and "Cyst" being launched at me was that it was just taking my jaw a long time to heal and the possibility that I have started grinding my teeth at nighttime...........................A night time mouth guard has been suggested which along with the Tena Ladies, thick socks for bad circulation and a dodgy back will make me feel and look totally sexy.........How will Mr DG keep his hands off me.....................This is the question I find myself wondering.

As Christmas approached I started to feel a little bit better and the tray of pain killers, Antibiotics and various other paraphernalia was put to one side in place of Wine..............This seemed to not only numb the pain but worryingly made me feel better.

Just as I thought things were on the up we very sadly lost Mr DG's much loved Nan. To say we were sad was an understatement and Christmas really seemed to be pointless, the kids were not coping at all with it and we decided to pull ourselves together and really make an effort to enjoy the time we had together. After all there is no way she would want us to be sad at her most favourite time of the year and although we missed her and our hearts ached we remembered her in our own way on Christmas morning.

As we woke up on New Years Day we smiled at the thought of a spanking brand new year stretching out in front of us. This is the year The Female Teen aka HRH goes off to University and that is the most exciting thing ever for her. The Male Teen aka Sparky is about to choose his options and the realisation of hard work is poking its head around the corner almost goading him.

Mr DG and I have become Dry Athletes for the month of January and so far so good although I almost caved last night when I found out how much flowers are for a funeral............................

I am so excited for my blog this year and am in the process of designing a spin off series called I'm In A Uni Daze which will be useless to most of you but to others who have Teens about to start the daunting path of University decisions I am hoping it may come in handy if not just to make you laugh as I fumble my way through it pretending to know what the hell is going on.

So, there we go............................My back to blogging first post. I am sorry if it has been a bit depressive and can assure that normal service will return very soon.

Hoping you are all well and haven't forgotten me.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxx