A Guide To Surviving The Teenager.

After publishing yesterdays very popular post The Lesser Spotted Teenager it struck me that I am not alone in this bewildering time of my life and that in fact there are hundreds of parents just like me trying to understand this rare species.
Its funny isn't it that I don't actually remember being a Teenager and this proves that they really have no clue what they are doing or why they are behaving in a certain way. My Mother tells me I was no trouble just a bit moany. I have come to the conclusion that it was because she had no clue where I was or what I was doing (seems you didn't really have to worry back in the 80's as a parent). With no mobile phones it was just a case of "See you later mum" and off I went until it got dark or I was hungry.

I have decided to ignore some of the books I have read and write up my own Survival Guide To Living With A Teenager list. Please feel free to add your own in the comments box below.

1. When approaching a sleeping Teen do not under any circumstances pull back covers or open curtains to quickly. Slowly enter the room using Stealth like manoeuvres and gently whisper the sleeping species name.......After 11 attempts and numerous versions of "GET OUT I'M TIRED" (this is the cleanest one I could think of) change tactics and threaten to remove Xbox as punishment.........You have about an 80% chance of this working.

2. Once the Teen has risen and is dressed treat with kid gloves as the Chewbacca vocal communication begins.........BEWARE.........Questions of "What have you got lesson wise at school today?" or "Have you got everything in your school bag?" will be greeted with the worst type of Grunt in the Teen language as you have dared to mention the School word.

3. DO NOT under any circumstance touch, advise or help with hair styles. You may receive what I like to call the "Death Stare" and be reduced to a quivering wreck as The Teenager descends into a full on 2 year old throw yourself on the floor of Sainsbury's tantrum.

4. DO NOT (and I cannot stress this enough) wave them goodbye as they depart for prison school, I have learnt this the hard way that this is definitely not a good idea, you are left waving like a lunatic at nobody as they ignore you and pretend they don't know you.

5. If cleaning their rooms due to the smell of .......................Well...................I don't know what the smell is but its not pleasant..............................Be aware that anything you move, touch or God forbid bin will be punished by The Teen and accusations of "Invasions of Privacy Act 2 Part 8" will be quoted to you until you understand FULLY.

6. If Child Line is threatened by The Teen for what they see as "Unfair Parenting" hand them the phone and the number and then leave the room welcoming them to ring it. Then in turn tell them you are ringing Parent Line to complain of "Unfair Teenager Syndrome".

7. Accept that the phone will never be for you anymore and you will become The Teens PA. DO NOT try and joke or laugh with The Teens friends....They all have no sense of humour at this age and you will be left feeling totally uncool.

8.Try to avoid eye contact during an argument.............If by accident you do then quickly avert your eyes before it fuels the situation with screams of "WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME...........YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME". The best form of action at this tense moment is to leave the room keeping you back to the wall at all times (just in case something is thrown).

9. Accept that girls tell their Mothers everything and I mean everything......................."She said that I said, and I said that she said" Blah blah blah  (earplugs are advised to avoid a headache). Boys on the other hand will tell you...................NOTHING.................ZILCH........................ZERO........................The old saying "Its like trying to get blood out of a stone" will all make sense now.

10. Rather than the games of Hide and Seek you used to play when they were little, a new game can be played now called "Find the floor", this will involve using all of your Commando skills to see if you can find the carpet buried beneath the piles of pants, socks, handbags, shoes and clothes. The first person to find it wins and the prize of..............................................."Now you can clean it all up" will thrill and delight The Teen.....................NOT!!!

11. If you Husband is DIY minded (mine is not) strengthen all door frames. This will save you a heap of time and money as the Teen slams them shut with the force of a Gorilla and then wonders why you are slightly cross. "WHAT.....IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT"....

12. Pick your battles very carefully, The Teens are at a vulnerable stage and any slight criticism  or nagging will conclude in a full scale war of epic proportions.

13. Accept that The Teen will suddenly become very clumsy, this is down to the fact that their legs and arms have suddenly grown resembling Mr Tickle and they have not quite worked out how to use them to their full potential. Under no circumstances laugh when they trip, drop or bang into something..........................................................You have been warned.

14. Your food bills will rise dramatically and The Teen will suddenly transform into a whole plague of Locusts in your kitchen. I actually think mine suck everything they can out with a straw from the fridge leaving me and The Hubby with an orange and a pint of milk. The simple solution to this is .................................A Padlock...........................Or.......................................Electric fencing around the kitchen.

15. The bathroom will become an obstacle course of washing, weeing and cleaning teeth as quick as you can possibly complete it. This is due to the alarm system installed in all kids and especially Teenagers, the alarm will alert them to the moment you put one toe in a bath................"MUUUMMM I NEED A POO" and...."MUUMMMM CAN I JUST TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING". A lock will have no effect as this just results in them banging on it until you admit defeat and leave desired Sanctuary.

16. Keep your Money Tree at the end of your garden well watered and pruned......It will need careful looking after if it is to cope with the constant demands of A Teen. Please Note:- If you have an oil well at the bottom of your garden please remember to keep this a secret from The Teen as they will have it sold off to the highest bidder on Xbox or EBay before you have even noticed what's going on.

17. DO NOT volunteer unless absolutely necessary to go clothes shopping with the female Teen. I have made this school boy error and suffered the severe consequences resulting the behaviour known only to parents as "Huffing" loudly and "Tutting" with attitude. Please also note:- Chinos are not, I repeat not the same as skinny jeans....I have no idea why but they are not.

18. Try and learn a little about computers, game consoles and computer jargon...This will aid you in many ways and allow you to have a certain insight into the mind of the male Teen. However...DO NOT use these newly learnt skills in front of friends, teachers and especially computer game shop workers...................This will result in the male Teen turning a rather fetching shade of red and collapsing in on himself in embarrassment.

19. When in a restaurant DO NOT allow the waitress to offer your Teen the child's menu........BIG.....BIG....Mistake.......The cry's will be heard in New Zealand as the Teen displays the characteristics of an adolescent monkey and screams "WHY DO THEY DO THAT.....I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE......I'M A GROWN UP"..................Yeah right!!!!!

20. And lastly.................................Your Teen will have moments where he or she will forget that they are in the throws of puberty and on rare occasions will snuggle up next to you for a cuddle..................DO NOT make any sudden movements when this happens as it will frighten the species away, instead respond and savour the moment with a smile on your face at this tender display of affection. Once the moment is over carry on as if nothing has happened and congratulate yourself that they do still love you and you must be doing something right.


Remember that this is only a short period in their lives (although it may seem to you to go on for longer). They are just testing the waters to see how far you can be manipulated and pushed. However you will need to have life jackets on hand for you and them.

Happy Parenting to you all
Lots of Love
Me

P.S Did I mention .............................Gin is always the answer. (For you obviously, not them).