Best Text Ever.

Last week Sparky aka The Male Teen embarked on a school trip to Wales for a camping/adventure holiday. As we arrived to drop him off I experienced the full horror of an "Embarrassed Teen" first hand. These symptoms included............................

1. Head drooped to below shoulder level.
2. Mumbled goodbye (well, I think that's what he said).
3. When head was lifted it was brightly coloured in a fetching shade of red.
4. Once on coach curtains were pulled to firmly evade any chance of a tearful goodbye.

To be fair, every teenage boy behaved the exact same way and in a moment of togetherness we as parents bonded for a very short space in time. I wanted to charge onto the coach, yank back the curtains and order them to wave to the women who had pushed them into this world. I wanted to scream that we all loved them and that we were going to miss them. I wanted to lay on the road in front of the huge coach until he told me that he loved me. I wanted to slap the woman next to me who exclaimed in a very loud voice that her son had not only hugged her but kissed her too and that he had almost been in tears at the thought of leaving her. Of course I did none of these things...............................................Only because I was worried he might not come back if I did.

As the coach started to get ready to pull out of the car park I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming fear and sadness that he had turned into one of those "Hood up head down" kind of specimens............................................Then..............................................................Just as Mrs Cocky Pants was about to announce for the 50th time that little bloody Johnny had given her a huge hug something quite wonderful happened............................................................................."Ping" went my phone........................................................"Ping" it went again.....................................................I fumbled to put the password in as a text message popped up in all its full glory...................................................."Love You Mum"......................................................."Soz I didn't say bye"..........................................."I'm gonna miss u"...........................................................


My heart skipped a beat and in all my confusion/bewilderment I shoved the phone into Mrs Cocky Pants face almost breaking her nose and causing her to have a nose bleed............................."LOOK" I screamed as Mr DG looked on in horror......................................."LOOK AT THIS"................................................................... Then as if by some magical occurrence more "Pings" sounded around the car park..........................."I HAVE ONE TOO" said another Mum.........................................."AND ME" screamed another....................................................

We all looked at each other and laughed in a slightly hysterical way..............................Mrs Cocky Pants grabbed her phone as it went off to and smirked a kind of "Ner ner ner ner ner" face. She began to read .................................... "Don't forget to clean my room LOL" was the message that she very quickly wished she hadn't read out loud..........................................We all did that "Never mind" face that us Mums are so good at and watched as she quickly stormed over to the waiting coach to demand to know why he had put that in a text.

The moment had passed and we all said our goodbyes clutching our little messages of love...................................He's been back a week now and I still haven't deleted it, I just cant bring myself to do it.

Lots of Love
Me
xx

Next time.......................................................The tale of the bag, the smell and the disappearing contents of my stomach.

Last Year..

This time last year I had bitten my nails down to unattractive stumps and created a bald patch on the dog due to constant Stress Stroking.....................................I had had a strop about how fat I looked in what I was wearing and shouted at Mr DG when he had dared to suggest I looked through my wardrobe and find something else.......................................................I am of course talking about preparing for BritMums Live and not just some random day at the shops.

This time last year I had packed, unpacked, packed and thrown my suitcase off the bed in disgust at not being able to fit everything in it.....................................I vaguely remember it hitting the now bald dog on the head which resulted in tears (me, not the dog).

The journey there was fine as Mr DG escorted me all the way to the front door before leaving........................This year I'm going it alone.................................................This year I haven't really stressed about what I'm wearing (well, I have a bit but not on the scale of last year), I haven't even thought about packing yet and the dog has a full body of fluffy Spaniel hair.

This year I am excited....................................................I have no clue what's going to happen but I'm prepared for every eventuality possible. I kind of wish I had a GPS implanted inside my ear so that Mr DG could guide me out of Moorgate Station to The Brewery and I'm absolutely convinced I will get lost at some point. However, I am armed with many phone numbers and I am sure they can point me in the right direction.

The only thing I am slightly nervous about is the awards ceremony in the evening............................Did I mention I'm a finalist in the laugh category ?..............................Did I ?............................................Well. I am......................................................That's a laugh in itself.................................Me........................................A Finalist.........................................I have never been in the finals for anything ..........................................Except that time I almost won a Jelly eating competition when I was 6 but that ended up in chaos when the kid next to me was sick and they called the whole thing off.................................I have dreams of winning (I wish) and tripping up the steps, knocking the podium thing over, falling of the stage and ending up with my face in someone's cleavage....................................I am not preparing a speech as I have no clue what on earth I would even say and to be honest I may of had one or two glasses of bubbly by then so I will probably just cry...................................................................

Someone asked me yesterday for a top tip, so here it is....................................Last year I was waiting in a coffee shop before hand and got swept away with the whole "Oh My God I Know You" thingy. I was totally convinced that I knew this woman and had been chatting to her for years on Twitter. After lunging at her I then proceeded to squeal and hug her with absolute conviction that she was who I thought............................WRONG................................Poor woman had only popped in for a Croissant and a coffee and worked across the road...........................CRINGE. After apologising many times I left, armed with this "never again" knowledge I decided that next time unless they had a Britmums badge on or they recognised me I would check out their picture on social media before lunging.............................

Looking forward to seeing you all and don't forget to come and say hello..................................

Selfie or On The Shelfie ?

Definition of a Selfie .............................A photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smart phone or web cam and uploaded to a social media website.


Yesterday myself and HRH (The Female Teen) took ourselves off to the movies to see Malificent. As we sat there drink in hand and popcorn between us I had the rather brilliant idea (I thought) of taking a "selfie" of the two of us...................................................This suggestion was met with not just horror but down right disgust at the mere thought of it......................................Was she embarrassed of me or just having a Teen moment.....................................Actually it wasn't either of those...............................It was just the whole "grown ups doing selfies" thing that bothered her.

That's the problem you see, they (the kids of today) think that they have invented bloody everything including taking photos of yourself...........................................Let me tell you, if I had had the technology that they all have at school these days I would of been permanently on it taking bloody selfies and groupies for that matter.

Has this public show of embarrassment put me off....................................................Of course not.............................It now makes me want to do it even more.

Looking back over some of my favourites I can understand why she may be a little embarrassed...

This was probably one of my first ever selfies................................OK, OK, I didn't actually take it but I would of if I had had a iPhone. Check out that rather fetching roll neck jumper, I was a huge fan of The Professionals and fashioned myself on Lewis Collins.

The Pout - Probably not best attempted at my age but to be fair I was at a fancy dress party and had gone as Sue Ellen from Dallas. Its a shame Mr DG didn't want to be on here......He looked hysterical as Bobby !!!

 The "Lets take one whilst we are driving" one - Not a great idea but we had been stuck in traffic for ages on our way to a health spa so I think we were alright. Particularly loving the "Don't get me in it" pose from The Northern Mothers best friend.








The "Look at me I'm trying to stay looking young" one - This had to be done based on the fact that I just looked so ridiculous............Bet you wouldn't see a Teen doing this.

 The "I've had too much Gin" one - I personally think these are the best types of selfies................What do you think??











 The "I've run out of Gin" one..........

 The "Its OK, I've found it" one. At least I think that's what's happening here......................................










So there you have it, my top selfie pics. Some you may wish to recreate and some you may not but make no mistake........................................This was not your idea kids it was just made possible by technology.

With Brit mums fast approaching I shall be looking to take lots of photos so get your best Selfie face ready folks.

Lots of love
Me
xxxx

This ain't gonna be pretty !!!!!

There are various times in my life when I think it would be better if I just stayed indoors..........................This weekend marks the start of a task I am dreading.............................It's something I have put off for weeks and quite frankly if I could go to sleep and not wake up until October I would be pleased......................................................This weekend I am going......................................DA DA DA..................................Swimsuit shopping.

I have several thingy-a-me-bobs coming up that require me to wear this piece of clothing (if you can call it that). The process will play out like this.................


1. Grab anything regardless of shape, colour, high leg, low leg, plunge, push up, secret tummy control or claims of total body transformation as quick as you can to avoid detection.

2. Wait patiently whilst assistant looks you up and down in a "oh dear, this ain't gonna be pretty" kind of way. Once a cubicle has become available shut yourself in remembering to pull cheap curtains all the way across so bum doesn't stick out whilst attempting to squeeze yourself into costume.

3. Ignore multitude of mirrors that could of been supplied from a circus Crazy Hall of Mirror factory.

4. Take of clothes revealing cellulite you didn't even know you had and various areas of fat that have appeared in the last 60 seconds.

5. Wrestle to get swimsuit off from expertly fitted hanger trying carefully not to snap label off.

6. Pour yourself into contraption making sure not to get sticky label on crutch of suit stuck anywhere painful.

7. Adjust boobs into under wired cups making a particular effort to make sure they are all in and no "Nip Slips" have occurred.

8. Take deep breath, slowly open eyes to a slight squint and cautiously glance quickly at ones reflection.................................................

9. DO NOT...................I repeat DO NOT look at back view......................Or to be honest side and front view either.

10. Repeat above process until you are either crying or relatively pleased with at least one of your choices.

The final phase is to give the other 26 items back to the waiting sales assistant..............................Sorry, that was a bit of a lie.......................We all know that 5 is the maximum amount allowed in changing area...........................................If I was 10 sizes smaller and braver I would love to see the look on their faces if I swanned out of the changing room in a bikini to go and look for another one in a smaller size.


Once ordeal is over and you have made it to the checkout the final humiliation is almost upon you....................................................Chosen costume is placed on counter and beautiful young assistant does her job by checking you know exactly what size you have picked and reminds you that once the sticky pube removal strip has been taken out you cant return it............................................If only they didn't have to shout it out for you to understand..................................................

Wish me luck....................I'm going to need it.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

Up All Hours..........

Its always lovely when someone tells you that they love your blog or that it has cheered them up when their day isn't going very well. For me the best type of comment is one where someone might say "I laughed so much I snorted coffee out of my nose".

What I never expected was for my blog to be loved so much I would be asked if I would like to be a resident writer on a brand new parenting website known as Up All Hours................................

But...........................................That is exactly what did happen...............................I will be posting under the 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess on the website and covering anything Teen related.......What I loved the most was that I was encouraged to take a comical stance on it all which pleased me no end as its really my favourite way to write.

Today is D-Day and the fabulous website has gone live...............................Here's what Up All Hours had to say...

I hope you will come on over and take a look, I can assure you there really is something for everyone.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

Off To BritMums Live 2014

It is less than a month until BritMums Live 2014 and I'm a tiny bit exited.............................OK......................................OK.....................I'm a bit more than tiny bit excited..........................................I'm actually verging on hysterical euphoria at venturing back to The Brewery and seeing all those smiley faces. Last year was very different and I almost didn't go due to nerves taking over, I wrote this post called Paddington Goes To BritMums and can only say to anyone who is nervous "Do it, take that leap and you will never look back"..................................I promise.

Anyway, I have decided it might be fun if I introduce myself in a slightly different way. Below you will see.............................Well...................................You will see ME.

I'm not hard to spot but just in case you cant find me look out for one of these faces...............

1. This is my "OH MY GOD ITS YOU, GET OVER HERE AND HUG ME" face. This is usually accompanied by a slight squealing noise that unfortunately escapes from my mouth at any given moment when I recognise your name.








2. Next is my "I cant find my glasses and cant bloody read your name badge" look. You will notice many people staring at your boobs.......Not hard to miss in my case.









3. At number 3 we have the "Did someone say there was cake over there" expression. There is lots of food to eat so my top tip is..............................Elasticated trousers or Super Glue as Lip Gloss







.

4. This is possibly how you may find me on Saturday morning after a few (cough cough) glasses of the fizzy stuff.










5. Here we have my "Its all over and I don't want to go home" very sad face.....................Look at that face..........................Its like Puss In Boots.









6. Assuming you still don't recognise me................................Here's my normal (I use these words loosely) face.










Looking forward to seeing you all very soon...............................Not long now.........................Squeeeallllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!!!

xx

Arggghhhhhh!! Its me.

As I sit here in the hairdressers I am struck by 2 things........Number 1, I am 43 on Sunday and number 2, I am looking old....................................................Small lines have invaded my once smooth young looking face, my eyebrows look thinner and I'm sure I can see a white one........................Maybe its the lighting in here............................Nope...............................On further inspection it is....................................OUCH!............................I've plucked it out. The woman next to me is laughing as I examine the wiry Father Christmas type lone hair.

What the hell is happening to me............................I've looked after myself, I use very expensive face cream which claims to keep you looking younger....................I should look about 10 by now not 75.

Oh God...........................................What is that on my chin.....................................Its another one................Marvellous, I have 2 chins. Would someone please take this mirror away from me..................................That's it.......................I'm turning round to face the other way.............................................ARGHHHHHHHH!..............................There are mirrors everywhere and now I can see a full 360 degree reflected image of myself.

Its no use, I am going to have to except it.........................I turn back to face the front.................There I am.....................................Its not that bad..............................Its me, good old reliable me. Its a face I know and trust and.

I need to get a grip......................All is not lost....................My nails.......................My nails look nice, I will focus on them.................Oh Crap.........................There's a chipped one..................That's definitely it, I am closing my eyes and not opening them until she has finished my hair..................Then I am going to ask for my money back from the nice face cream people.



If my blog has made you smile, chuckle, laugh out loud or dare I say it as someone once said "made me laugh so much I had to whizz to the loo" then please, please, please.......Pretty please.....Slightly begging please.............Verging on desperate please........................Think about voting for me in the rather fabulous Brit Mums Blogging Awards known as the BIBS............................I am super excited to of made it to the semi finals and need every bit of help I can as I am up against some of the finest blogs around. Just click HERE and it will take you straight to the page you need....You will find me in the Laugh Category which is number 13 (unlucky for some but hopefully not me)........................Thanks so much.......................Love You xxxx

There Go My Marbles

I think I'm loosing my marbles, in fact I can see them rolling down the hill as we speak. My Doctor says it may be the beginning of the Peri Menopause.........."The Peri what a Pause" I said................"There's a bit before the change I'm afraid and it can go on for years." she replied. I cant believe it, I really cant. I can just about cope with the hot sweats and slight irritability...................Actually..............To be fair.................Slight is an understatement.

Its the dippyness that I worry about, just in the last month I have done some crazy stuff that is very out of character for me....

1. Looked for my glasses for over 2 hours only to find them perched on top of my head............... And I think I actually wore them to look in a drawer for them.

2. Lost the phone only to notice the butter was on the hook and the phone was in the fridge.............To be fair, that could of been because I didn't have my glasses on.

3. Thought my car had been stolen only to remember I had driven up the road and walked back by mistake. I was seconds away from calling the Police..........Oh what a field day they would of had.

4. Gave HRH the door keys as she was popping out and I was getting in the shower, then realised that I had let her lock "me in" the house with no form of escape other than the window. She then "popped" out a bit longer than had been promised and I had to sign for a parcel through the letterbox. I still cant look the Parcel Force man in the eye.

5. Went to the fridge to look at 2 cream scones (just to look at as I'm on a diet) and then went back an hour later only to find they had gone from the box. Actually convinced myself that I had eaten them with no recollection only to discover HRH had eaten them and in true Teen style put the empty box back in the fridge.

You see.....................Its all very strange or as my Doctor said "Very normal for a woman of my age"......MY AGE......I'm only 43 for heavens sake.

Apparently its a good sign that I can remember songs from long ago, although sometimes I think its the artists get the words wrong and not me...........................................

Anyway..................What was I saying..................Nope.....................Its gone...............Sorry.






If my blog has made you smile, chuckle, laugh out loud or dare I say it as someone once said "made me laugh so much I had to whizz to the loo" then please, please, please.......Pretty please.....Slightly begging please.............Verging on desperate please........................Think about voting for me in the rather fabulous Brit Mums Blogging Awards known as the BIBS............................I am super excited to of made it to the semi finals and need every bit of help I can as I am up against some of the finest blogs around. Just click HERE and it will take you straight to the page you need....You will find me in the Laugh Category which is number 13 (unlucky for some but hopefully not me)........................Thanks so much.......................Love You xxxx

Vote For My Mum

To say I was surprised to get short listed in the BIBS (Brilliance In Blogging) awards was an understatement..........I have been blogging for 3 years now and I never tire of it, I have made some amazing friends along the way and hope to make many more when some of us head up to London in June for the best weekend ever at BritMums Live 2014.

I didn't really know what to do as a "Vote For Me" blog so I decided to do something different and instead asked the one person who knows me the best and sits lovingly by me whilst I tap away at the keyboard. I say "Person" in the loosest sense although he does actually think he is a person rather than a dog.....So without further ado I give you.....Baxter The Dog and his VOTE FOR MY MUM photo shoot......

If you have enjoyed my blog, giggled, snickered, laughed or as someone once said "Tena Ladies are a must if you read this blog" then please think about sparing a vote for me in the "Laugh" category. Just click HERE and it will take you to the necessary place.

Thanks to everyone who voted for me so far and best of luck to all you amazing bloggers/writers out there whether you got through or not I think you are all brilliant.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxx

My Real Life Tooth Fairy

Yesterday began like no other............................Not only was I in the worst pain since childbirth but I had to face my biggest phobia ever...........................The Dentist.......................And, as if that wasn't bad enough...................I was having a tooth extracted whilst awake. Once Mr DG had gently coaxed forced me into the car we headed off.......................I wont go into too many details other than to say my new dentist was the nicest, loveliest man I have ever had looking in my mouth. I vaguely remember offering to have his children as the procedure was completed................................He really was that nice.



Anyway, on departure Mr DG asked me if I was going to put the enormous extracted tooth under my pillow that night. I joked that no amount of money could cover the size of the thing and that quite frankly she wouldn't want it. As if by magic my phoned pinged at a new Tweet........This is what it said.....



I stared at this Tweet for a while before realising what it was about.............."OH MY GOD" I said through gauze, tears and anaesthetic....................."I think I made it to the semi finals of the BIBS".........................................Mr DG's reaction was one of confusion (not unexpected) as I forced a huge smile on my very sore, numb face.

Once home although I was told to rest I plugged myself into the blogging Twitter sphere to celebrate along with all the other people who had also got through. I can honestly say that I forgot about my tooth or lack of it for ages and have felt elated ever since.

So Suzanne aka 3 Children And It you are officially my Tooth Fairy from now on..........Not that I am planning on loosing anymore but never the less. Thank you for being the person who told me the good news and thank you for making me smile...............

I have something unusual planned for my "Vote for Me" bloggy thing but it all depends if I am clever enough to do it so keep em peeled.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxx