Incy Wincey Spider.......

I love animals, in fact I'm a real fan of them........................................OK......................That's not entirely true.....................................I love cute fluffy adorable animals...................................I do not like one particular species of creature.............................................................

I know, I know they are good for the environment and belong in the great food chain but I cant help it.................................I hate them.

Last night Mr DG and I were sitting quite happily having a glass of wine and watching TV when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw it..................Big, black, hairy and not the remotest bit bothered that he was striding right in front of us across the floor without a care in the world. At one point I swear he looked me square in the eye and winked a wink that said "Listen love.......I'm big.......I'm Hairy....................Your scared and I'm in no rush".

With that, I screamed, Mr DG screamed (my hero) and the dog leapt off the carpet onto the sofa with all the bravery of a cabbage. The kids then came pelting down the stairs with The Whirlwind begging to see the monster that had encroached our living space and The Teenager screaming "OH MY GOD.....OH MY GOD......DON'T SHOW ME.....I WILL LITERALLY DIE" (why come down and look then).

Mr DG at this point had smacked the THING with a cushion (I know, I know, a cushion) the THING must of laughed to itself as this fluffy all feather pillow landed on it. It then ran like Seb Coe across the room (I swear he had sweat bands on) and went straight under the sofa.......................Mr DG yanked the sofa away from the wall so quickly the THING kind of froze then did a Scooby Doo type running on the spot action before making another dash for it....."HA HA HA" I yelled "NOT SO COCKY NOW ARE YOU"........"MWA AH AH AH" (evil laugh).

We then proceeded to whack it with a variety of things (a shoe, another cushion, a slipper and the remote control) whilst screaming at each other to "GET IT" The Whirlwind obviously realising that his parents were now in a complete state of hysteria and are thoroughly useless casually walked over with a glass and promptly encased it before slipping a postcard underneath (thanks mum, glad you had a nice time) and captured the THING.

We then endured a kind of cat and mouse game as The Teenager screamed "DON'T THROW IT AT ME....OH MY GOD........I SWEAR I WILL WET MYSELF AND THEN DIE" and The Whirlwind threatening to stick it down her back if she doesn't promise to do his chores for a whole week. The THING which was still under the glass was by now probably thinking that he'd had a lucky escape and was now worrying what would happen to him if he is in fact stuck down a 16 year old girls blouse who may or may not wet herself or worse ................................Die.

Mr DG had now relaxed and was congratulating himself on his speed and endurance while I was still standing on a chair sweating and panting with anxiety. The kids went back upstairs to taunt each other and the dog..............Well.................he kind of forgot the whole episode (3 second memory span and all that) and was now looking at me wondering why I was still up on a chair. As for the THING...................................Well after much deliberation The Whirlwind decided it was probably best for all concerned if he deposited it away from the house and walked it down the road a bit before releasing it back into nature.

So you see, although I hate the things and am not ashamed to say that I am totally 100% terrified of them it pleases me that my phobia has not rubbed off onto The Whirlwind .........................................The other one....................Well..............................She went upstairs and started laying conkers around her room (old wives tale), cello taping up any little cracks she could find, tucking her PJ's into her socks and placing a collection of heavy books strategically next to her bed in case she needed to throw one........................................................That's my girl........................I have taught you well...................

Lots of Love
Me
xxxx