Come Fly With Me

On Saturday we are setting off for our first abroad holiday in 7 years. I am a mixture of excited, scared, nervous and thrilled at going off on another adventure with the family.


My first port of call when we arrive at the airport will be to scan for potential hazards to avoid. These are:-

1. Suspicious looking people, (this almost always ends up with me turning all Jessica Fletcher and barking up the completely wrong tree, thus receiving many strange looks).

2. Abandoned luggage, (this almost also ends up with me getting it wrong too and some poor sod getting his ruck sack blown up).








3. Annoying children that are running around screaming whilst their parents look on with total pride and adoration. (These particular specimens are best avoided at all costs just in case The Whirlwind befriends one of them and we have to sit with them for the whole duration at the airport).


4. Nervous passengers, (I am myself in this category so too many nervous people in one space never really works for anyone.)


5. Really attractive people are a definite no no. (As if I don't feel bad enough at not loosing 14 stone by my holiday).

Once these hazards have been checked out we will then head off to that favourite fast food burger selling chain. Once in the queue The Teenager will do her usual at asking for a burger with "No onions, mustard, ketchup or gherkins in please"......."Oh and is it definitely beef in there"?????
At which point I will have to turn round and apologise to all those behind us. And after all that I can pretty much guarantee she will switch to a Fillet of Fish anyway.

We will eat our food along with the other 4,000 people and then decide that we should of had jacket potato next door as it would of been much healthier. This is exactly why the Number 5's on the hazards to avoid list don't eat in here and we do.

Hopefully by this time it will be the moment of truth.....BOARDING THE PLANE...... This is the bit I dread most. I used to be a brilliant flier (on a plane...not with my arms you understand) and as a child we went all over the place. The Northern Mother was not a good flier and had to be regularly drugged to get her onto a plane (you cannot do that now by the way). My dad would have to drag/carry her to her seat and she would wake up at the other end none the wiser, a bit like BA Baracus from the A Team. We would all laugh quietly to ourselves and beg to draw a moustache on her. (Sorry Mum).


I can vaguely remember having to pull straws to see who would sit next to her and then having to endure the journey with her moaning about dying and "How is this thing even staying up here"???

Even after all that, it didn't scare me and I carried on flying for many years with no problems. Then something happened, something very unexpected.....I had kids. And like a switch, suddenly I was bloody terrified. The last time we went to Cyprus I dug my nails into the seat in front so hard I punctured the head protector. The Husband just looked at me with horror as I began to sob quietly to myself so as not to frighten the children (who may I add just thought it was funny. That's Karma for you).

After that I travelled with a friend to New York and managed to find a relaxation tape to listen to which worked a treat as I missed all the in flight entertainment, food, drinks and loo breaks. I couldn't believe it when I woke up at the other end and realised I was there. She in turn had stayed awake and stored all the food and drinks in the netted bit of the chair in front as she knew I would be starving when I came out of my induced coma. I don't know who that man was on that tape but by God he was amazing. (I wouldn't want to be his wife though, I bet she nods off every time he speaks.)


But this time its different as I am back travelling with both the kids. I guess its just those motherly instincts that only women seem to have in situations like this. I will of course try and hold it together for their sake, and as The Husband pulls out the packet of ready cut straws I will wonder like my Mother did which lucky family member will have to sit next to the rocking nutcase known to them all as Mum.


It will be the longest four hours of my life and I will watch the air stewardesses faces at all times to see if they look nervous about anything. I will not go to the loo just in case the pilot puts the seat belt sign on and most of all I will be slugging back the rescue remedy like its going out of fashion (Hmmm, I wonder if I can just have it over ice in a nice tumbler)???

Once there, the relief will be apparent in my face and then all we have to do is enjoy our holiday and relax..................Well that's until 9 days later when I will have to start the process all over again to come home.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!


Speak soon (Hopefully)
Lots of Love
Me xxxxxxx