Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Summer Bucket List 2014

Good Morning and welcome to the DG News at 9. Today's top stories include..............................

BONG - Its 3 hours and counting until the beginning of the Summer Holidays.
BONG - Its 4 hours until one Mum in Sussex may need her first Gin and Tonic.
BONG - Its 5 hours until the same Mum will use the words "TURN IT DOWN...............PICK THAT UP"
BONG - Its 6 hours until the kids will have trashed the house, eaten everything in the cupboards and reduced Mums all over the world to tears.

In other news around the region, Mrs T from Brighton has decided to walk around her house naked until her kids start clearing up after themselves......................................................More news later.

I am of course talking about that moment that we all either love or loathe, that moment that comes to us all after a few hours of them being home where we suddenly think what on earth are we going to do for 6 whole weeks. I don't know about you but it takes me a good week or so to get used to having them around the house and then I kind of relax and actually quite enjoy it. Sometimes I wish they had less time in the summer and an extra week at Christmas but I know that's never going to happen.

Last year I wrote a Summer Bucket List which was brilliant fun, I have therefore decided to do the same this year. I'm not going to do as many as last year just because I am not sure we are going to have time with holidays and visits.....................................................................................................

1. I want to read a good book whilst laying in a hammock.........................I realise that being a "curvy lady" this may prove tricky but I am going to give it a go.
2. Have a Nerf Gun or water fight.................................The Male Teen will love this...................I think. ........Not sure about Grandma.
3. Jump in a pool fully clothed.......Yes.................Fully clothed.
4. Write another short story...........................JK watch out.
5. Sleep outside under the stars......................I'm not sure how HRH will cope with this but it will be worth a blog post.
6. Watch a sunrise and sunset.
7. Build a sandcastle.
8. Make homemade lemonade and cookies.
9. Make S'mores over a campfire.......................Or BBQ.
10. Go to a pick your own farm and do exactly that.

And finally.......................If you read last years bucket list you will see that I attempted to try every Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream flavour....................................................This was the most fabulous challenge, for obvious reasons. They have new flavours now so I feel its only fair to add them to my list....................Its a tough job but someone's got to do it.

Once I have completed the above challenges I will find some more to do but I think that's enough for now.

All I have left to say is..............................Have a great Summer with your kids and remember..................................................Holidays with the kids isn't about the holiday (because lets face it, it's beyond exhausting), it's about making memories.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

Phillips SpeedCare Iron Review

What's your most dreaded chore in the home? Mine is without a shadow of a doubt the washing and ironing, having a husband whose shirts resemble large tablecloths and 2 Teenagers who both need clean shirts each day for school I spend hours each week washing, drying and then trying to smooth all the creases out. I stand puffing and panting and have even been known to go over each item again just to make it look nice.

That's why I was so excited (I know, I know....I said the word excited in the same sentence as ironing) to hear of a new iron launching this weekend on the fabulous Ideal World Website. The Phillips Speed Care steam generator iron offers up to 2 X faster ironing with 2 X more steam helping you speed up your ironing and is priced at £99.99.




Other features include a safety lock to keep the iron securely on the base unit and stop little hands from pulling it off the ironing board and hurting themselves.

I was intrigued to receive this product and put it through its paces..................And that is exactly what I did.







After filling up the water chamber which is on the base unit not the iron I turned it on and waited 2 minutes for it to heat up. Once the iron was off the base unit I was shocked how lightweight it was, it glided across the creased shirt effortlessly and with the press of a little button underneath the handle steam appeared and the once heavily creased shirt looked wonderful in seconds.



The water tank has 1.2L capacity which allows you to iron for over an hour........................But, to be honest it didn't take me anywhere near that amount of time and in just 15 minutes I had done over an hours worth of ironing.

The other feature I loved was the Calc Clean system which features a sound light clean reminder so there is no chance of any dirty stains on the clothes whilst ironing which can happen over time when a build up of lime scale gets into you iron.

Once I had finished I waited for it to cool down and placed the iron back onto the base unit. The whole thing was very light and stored away perfectly ready for next time.

In conclusion this iron takes all the hard work out of a once tedious job. It leaves you with a sense of satisfaction and amazement how such a lightweight iron can do such a fantastic job.

My husband has even commented on how his shirts looked like I had sent them to the dry cleaners..................................I'm not sure what he was indicating about my ironing before but I'm not asking.





Thank you Ideal World for the opportunity to review such a fantastic product and thank you Phillips for making my busy day that little bit less stressful.

Disclaimer - I was sent the Phillips Speed Care Iron free of charge for the purpose of this review but all opinions are completely my own.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

The Return of The Smelly One.

When I wrote to you all last The Male Teen aka Sparky had just left on his Wales Adventure trip with the school for a week..............See here.

I thought it was therefore only fair to update on his return............................................................

The clocked ticked past second by second and I had butterflies in my tummy at seeing my little smelly one. Then after no contact for a whole week I received a text.................................
"We r almost home" it said
"Where are you" I replied
Nothing......................................Then........................."On the coach".
"I know your on the coach but where are you" I questioned again.
Nothing................................"On the motorway" was the reply I got.

I gave up after that and resorted to social networking to give me my answer from the Mums who had girls who were far more forthcoming.

As we stood in the car park I listened to a range of comments such as..................................

"God, my house has stayed so tidy"
"I wonder if Xbox will go bust now due to the lack of usage"
"Its been so quiet without them"

Then a comment that had everyone in agreement....."I cant imagine what their cases are going to smell like". This statement made me smile.

Being the self proclaimed Domestic Goddess I like to think I am I had already made sure there was not a scrap of washing anywhere and that the washing machine was ready to go with powder in the drawer. I had even placed a plastic sheet on the kitchen floor to unpack everything. A sheep dip had been erected by the front door and Environmental Health were having a cuppa whilst waiting...................................OK.....................OK.......................That last bit wasn't true but the thought was there and if I'd had their numbers it would of been.

Once the coaches had unloaded we headed off in the car for home..............................................That was when the smell hit me..........................................My tummy lurched............................I tried to smile at the joy of having him back..............................................Nope.........................I was going to have to hang my head out of the window like the dog.

The case was placed and I braced myself for what horror lurked inside....................................HOLY CRAP....................................Nothing could of prepared me for the smell that flew up my nose. It was a mixture of wet ponds, body odour, deodorant, grass, farm animals and dead things all rolled up into one.

Sparky stood over me laughing at my face as I shoved as much as I could into the machine (mistake number 1)...............The bag went outside to be incinerated on the BBQ and I rubbed Vic under my nose to hide the smell (I've seen this on CSI and trust me it does work).

Once we had caught up and listened to his tales of what a fabulous week he had had I noticed the smell was back again...................I reapplied the Vic........................I checked the machine..............................Where the hell was it coming from..................................It didn't take me long.

It was Sparky himself........................................."QUICK GET HIM IN THE SHEEP DIP" I shouted.

Even with all of my careful planning I was not ready for this at all, Mr DG smirked as I ran around with 2 bits of tissue shoved up my nose desperately trying to stop the Wales countryside squatting in my home. I knew things had gone too far when the first load of washing had to be washed again and Sparkys socks actually walked themselves to the machine.

Take note.................................No amount of preparation can be undertaken in these circumstances and the only solution would be to take the case straight up the tip...........................Mind you.......................To be fair..........................I think it might of caused an environmental disaster for mankind.

Thanks for reading
Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx


Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Best Text Ever.

Last week Sparky aka The Male Teen embarked on a school trip to Wales for a camping/adventure holiday. As we arrived to drop him off I experienced the full horror of an "Embarrassed Teen" first hand. These symptoms included............................

1. Head drooped to below shoulder level.
2. Mumbled goodbye (well, I think that's what he said).
3. When head was lifted it was brightly coloured in a fetching shade of red.
4. Once on coach curtains were pulled to firmly evade any chance of a tearful goodbye.

To be fair, every teenage boy behaved the exact same way and in a moment of togetherness we as parents bonded for a very short space in time. I wanted to charge onto the coach, yank back the curtains and order them to wave to the women who had pushed them into this world. I wanted to scream that we all loved them and that we were going to miss them. I wanted to lay on the road in front of the huge coach until he told me that he loved me. I wanted to slap the woman next to me who exclaimed in a very loud voice that her son had not only hugged her but kissed her too and that he had almost been in tears at the thought of leaving her. Of course I did none of these things...............................................Only because I was worried he might not come back if I did.

As the coach started to get ready to pull out of the car park I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming fear and sadness that he had turned into one of those "Hood up head down" kind of specimens............................................Then..............................................................Just as Mrs Cocky Pants was about to announce for the 50th time that little bloody Johnny had given her a huge hug something quite wonderful happened............................................................................."Ping" went my phone........................................................"Ping" it went again.....................................................I fumbled to put the password in as a text message popped up in all its full glory...................................................."Love You Mum"......................................................."Soz I didn't say bye"..........................................."I'm gonna miss u"...........................................................


My heart skipped a beat and in all my confusion/bewilderment I shoved the phone into Mrs Cocky Pants face almost breaking her nose and causing her to have a nose bleed............................."LOOK" I screamed as Mr DG looked on in horror......................................."LOOK AT THIS"................................................................... Then as if by some magical occurrence more "Pings" sounded around the car park..........................."I HAVE ONE TOO" said another Mum.........................................."AND ME" screamed another....................................................

We all looked at each other and laughed in a slightly hysterical way..............................Mrs Cocky Pants grabbed her phone as it went off to and smirked a kind of "Ner ner ner ner ner" face. She began to read .................................... "Don't forget to clean my room LOL" was the message that she very quickly wished she hadn't read out loud..........................................We all did that "Never mind" face that us Mums are so good at and watched as she quickly stormed over to the waiting coach to demand to know why he had put that in a text.

The moment had passed and we all said our goodbyes clutching our little messages of love...................................He's been back a week now and I still haven't deleted it, I just cant bring myself to do it.

Lots of Love
Me
xx

Next time.......................................................The tale of the bag, the smell and the disappearing contents of my stomach.


Super Busy Mum3 Children and It

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Last Year..

This time last year I had bitten my nails down to unattractive stumps and created a bald patch on the dog due to constant Stress Stroking.....................................I had had a strop about how fat I looked in what I was wearing and shouted at Mr DG when he had dared to suggest I looked through my wardrobe and find something else.......................................................I am of course talking about preparing for BritMums Live and not just some random day at the shops.

This time last year I had packed, unpacked, packed and thrown my suitcase off the bed in disgust at not being able to fit everything in it.....................................I vaguely remember it hitting the now bald dog on the head which resulted in tears (me, not the dog).

The journey there was fine as Mr DG escorted me all the way to the front door before leaving........................This year I'm going it alone.................................................This year I haven't really stressed about what I'm wearing (well, I have a bit but not on the scale of last year), I haven't even thought about packing yet and the dog has a full body of fluffy Spaniel hair.

This year I am excited....................................................I have no clue what's going to happen but I'm prepared for every eventuality possible. I kind of wish I had a GPS implanted inside my ear so that Mr DG could guide me out of Moorgate Station to The Brewery and I'm absolutely convinced I will get lost at some point. However, I am armed with many phone numbers and I am sure they can point me in the right direction.

The only thing I am slightly nervous about is the awards ceremony in the evening............................Did I mention I'm a finalist in the laugh category ?..............................Did I ?............................................Well. I am......................................................That's a laugh in itself.................................Me........................................A Finalist.........................................I have never been in the finals for anything ..........................................Except that time I almost won a Jelly eating competition when I was 6 but that ended up in chaos when the kid next to me was sick and they called the whole thing off.................................I have dreams of winning (I wish) and tripping up the steps, knocking the podium thing over, falling of the stage and ending up with my face in someone's cleavage....................................I am not preparing a speech as I have no clue what on earth I would even say and to be honest I may of had one or two glasses of bubbly by then so I will probably just cry...................................................................

Someone asked me yesterday for a top tip, so here it is....................................Last year I was waiting in a coffee shop before hand and got swept away with the whole "Oh My God I Know You" thingy. I was totally convinced that I knew this woman and had been chatting to her for years on Twitter. After lunging at her I then proceeded to squeal and hug her with absolute conviction that she was who I thought............................WRONG................................Poor woman had only popped in for a Croissant and a coffee and worked across the road...........................CRINGE. After apologising many times I left, armed with this "never again" knowledge I decided that next time unless they had a Britmums badge on or they recognised me I would check out their picture on social media before lunging.............................

Looking forward to seeing you all and don't forget to come and say hello..................................


Thursday, 12 June 2014

Selfie or On The Shelfie ?

Definition of a Selfie .............................A photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smart phone or web cam and uploaded to a social media website.


Yesterday myself and HRH (The Female Teen) took ourselves off to the movies to see Malificent. As we sat there drink in hand and popcorn between us I had the rather brilliant idea (I thought) of taking a "selfie" of the two of us...................................................This suggestion was met with not just horror but down right disgust at the mere thought of it......................................Was she embarrassed of me or just having a Teen moment.....................................Actually it wasn't either of those...............................It was just the whole "grown ups doing selfies" thing that bothered her.

That's the problem you see, they (the kids of today) think that they have invented bloody everything including taking photos of yourself...........................................Let me tell you, if I had had the technology that they all have at school these days I would of been permanently on it taking bloody selfies and groupies for that matter.

Has this public show of embarrassment put me off....................................................Of course not.............................It now makes me want to do it even more.

Looking back over some of my favourites I can understand why she may be a little embarrassed...

This was probably one of my first ever selfies................................OK, OK, I didn't actually take it but I would of if I had had a iPhone. Check out that rather fetching roll neck jumper, I was a huge fan of The Professionals and fashioned myself on Lewis Collins.







The Pout - Probably not best attempted at my age but to be fair I was at a fancy dress party and had gone as Sue Ellen from Dallas. Its a shame Mr DG didn't want to be on here......He looked hysterical as Bobby !!!




 The "Lets take one whilst we are driving" one - Not a great idea but we had been stuck in traffic for ages on our way to a health spa so I think we were alright. Particularly loving the "Don't get me in it" pose from The Northern Mothers best friend.








The "Look at me I'm trying to stay looking young" one - This had to be done based on the fact that I just looked so ridiculous............Bet you wouldn't see a Teen doing this.







 The "I've had too much Gin" one - I personally think these are the best types of selfies................What do you think??











 The "I've run out of Gin" one..........









 The "Its OK, I've found it" one. At least I think that's what's happening here......................................










So there you have it, my top selfie pics. Some you may wish to recreate and some you may not but make no mistake........................................This was not your idea kids it was just made possible by technology.

With Brit mums fast approaching I shall be looking to take lots of photos so get your best Selfie face ready folks.

Lots of love
Me
xxxx

Friday, 30 May 2014

This ain't gonna be pretty !!!!!

There are various times in my life when I think it would be better if I just stayed indoors..........................This weekend marks the start of a task I am dreading.............................It's something I have put off for weeks and quite frankly if I could go to sleep and not wake up until October I would be pleased......................................................This weekend I am going......................................DA DA DA..................................Swimsuit shopping.

I have several thingy-a-me-bobs coming up that require me to wear this piece of clothing (if you can call it that). The process will play out like this.................


1. Grab anything regardless of shape, colour, high leg, low leg, plunge, push up, secret tummy control or claims of total body transformation as quick as you can to avoid detection.

2. Wait patiently whilst assistant looks you up and down in a "oh dear, this ain't gonna be pretty" kind of way. Once a cubicle has become available shut yourself in remembering to pull cheap curtains all the way across so bum doesn't stick out whilst attempting to squeeze yourself into costume.

3. Ignore multitude of mirrors that could of been supplied from a circus Crazy Hall of Mirror factory.

4. Take of clothes revealing cellulite you didn't even know you had and various areas of fat that have appeared in the last 60 seconds.

5. Wrestle to get swimsuit off from expertly fitted hanger trying carefully not to snap label off.

6. Pour yourself into contraption making sure not to get sticky label on crutch of suit stuck anywhere painful.

7. Adjust boobs into under wired cups making a particular effort to make sure they are all in and no "Nip Slips" have occurred.

8. Take deep breath, slowly open eyes to a slight squint and cautiously glance quickly at ones reflection.................................................

9. DO NOT...................I repeat DO NOT look at back view......................Or to be honest side and front view either.

10. Repeat above process until you are either crying or relatively pleased with at least one of your choices.

The final phase is to give the other 26 items back to the waiting sales assistant..............................Sorry, that was a bit of a lie.......................We all know that 5 is the maximum amount allowed in changing area...........................................If I was 10 sizes smaller and braver I would love to see the look on their faces if I swanned out of the changing room in a bikini to go and look for another one in a smaller size.


Once ordeal is over and you have made it to the checkout the final humiliation is almost upon you....................................................Chosen costume is placed on counter and beautiful young assistant does her job by checking you know exactly what size you have picked and reminds you that once the sticky pube removal strip has been taken out you cant return it............................................If only they didn't have to shout it out for you to understand..................................................

Wish me luck....................I'm going to need it.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

Friday, 23 May 2014

Up All Hours..........

Its always lovely when someone tells you that they love your blog or that it has cheered them up when their day isn't going very well. For me the best type of comment is one where someone might say "I laughed so much I snorted coffee out of my nose".

What I never expected was for my blog to be loved so much I would be asked if I would like to be a resident writer on a brand new parenting website known as Up All Hours................................

But...........................................That is exactly what did happen...............................I will be posting under the 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess on the website and covering anything Teen related.......What I loved the most was that I was encouraged to take a comical stance on it all which pleased me no end as its really my favourite way to write.



Today is D-Day and the fabulous website has gone live...............................Here's what Up All Hours had to say...





I hope you will come on over and take a look, I can assure you there really is something for everyone.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Off To BritMums Live 2014

It is less than a month until BritMums Live 2014 and I'm a tiny bit exited.............................OK......................................OK.....................I'm a bit more than tiny bit excited..........................................I'm actually verging on hysterical euphoria at venturing back to The Brewery and seeing all those smiley faces. Last year was very different and I almost didn't go due to nerves taking over, I wrote this post called Paddington Goes To BritMums and can only say to anyone who is nervous "Do it, take that leap and you will never look back"..................................I promise.

Anyway, I have decided it might be fun if I introduce myself in a slightly different way. Below you will see.............................Well...................................You will see ME.

I'm not hard to spot but just in case you cant find me look out for one of these faces...............

1. This is my "OH MY GOD ITS YOU, GET OVER HERE AND HUG ME" face. This is usually accompanied by a slight squealing noise that unfortunately escapes from my mouth at any given moment when I recognise your name.








2. Next is my "I cant find my glasses and cant bloody read your name badge" look. You will notice many people staring at your boobs.......Not hard to miss in my case.









3. At number 3 we have the "Did someone say there was cake over there" expression. There is lots of food to eat so my top tip is..............................Elasticated trousers or Super Glue as Lip Gloss







.

4. This is possibly how you may find me on Saturday morning after a few (cough cough) glasses of the fizzy stuff.










5. Here we have my "Its all over and I don't want to go home" very sad face.....................Look at that face..........................Its like Puss In Boots.









6. Assuming you still don't recognise me................................Here's my normal (I use these words loosely) face.










Looking forward to seeing you all very soon...............................Not long now.........................Squeeeallllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!!!

xx

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Arggghhhhhh!! Its me.

As I sit here in the hairdressers I am struck by 2 things........Number 1, I am 43 on Sunday and number 2, I am looking old....................................................Small lines have invaded my once smooth young looking face, my eyebrows look thinner and I'm sure I can see a white one........................Maybe its the lighting in here............................Nope...............................On further inspection it is....................................OUCH!............................I've plucked it out. The woman next to me is laughing as I examine the wiry Father Christmas type lone hair.

What the hell is happening to me............................I've looked after myself, I use very expensive face cream which claims to keep you looking younger....................I should look about 10 by now not 75.

Oh God...........................................What is that on my chin.....................................Its another one................Marvellous, I have 2 chins. Would someone please take this mirror away from me..................................That's it.......................I'm turning round to face the other way.............................................ARGHHHHHHHH!..............................There are mirrors everywhere and now I can see a full 360 degree reflected image of myself.

Its no use, I am going to have to except it.........................I turn back to face the front.................There I am.....................................Its not that bad..............................Its me, good old reliable me. Its a face I know and trust and.

I need to get a grip......................All is not lost....................My nails.......................My nails look nice, I will focus on them.................Oh Crap.........................There's a chipped one..................That's definitely it, I am closing my eyes and not opening them until she has finished my hair..................Then I am going to ask for my money back from the nice face cream people.



NOMINATE ME BiB 2014 LAUGHIf my blog has made you smile, chuckle, laugh out loud or dare I say it as someone once said "made me laugh so much I had to whizz to the loo" then please, please, please.......Pretty please.....Slightly begging please.............Verging on desperate please........................Think about voting for me in the rather fabulous Brit Mums Blogging Awards known as the BIBS............................I am super excited to of made it to the semi finals and need every bit of help I can as I am up against some of the finest blogs around. Just click HERE and it will take you straight to the page you need....You will find me in the Laugh Category which is number 13 (unlucky for some but hopefully not me)........................Thanks so much.......................Love You xxxx