Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Are You In A Uni Daze ?

This time last year I was quite frankly a hot mess, this time last year I was wandering aimlessly amongst plastic boxes, books and suitcases. This time last year I was not only in denial but also in a stunned kind of state that only a Parent of a kid leaving home for the first time will understand.

This time last year my darling daughter aka The Teenager (known to those that have read my babbling blog for 6 years ) left home to embark on her Uni adventure. I didn't write too much after she left mainly due to the fact I lost my Mojo but as you all know I am back now with a new kind of vigour for my ramblings.

This time this year I am in a similar mess with plastic boxes, books and suitcases but something has now changed...........................I am not emotional or stressed, I am not stunned or sad. I am in fact excited for her. Year 2 is slightly different in that she is moving into her first house with her previous flatmates from Uni. Its all systems go here and this weekend she will be gone again, back to the beautiful town of Bath where she will have another year of laughing and making life long friends.

As I sit here drinking a cup of tea and watching her make lists for a shopping trip tomorrow it suddenly struck me that all over the country there are in fact Parents in exactly the same place that I was in last year. I remember the Uni list that came our for all Teens listing useful info about that first day................But what about the parents I recall saying, wheres our list ? Why doesn't anyone care about us ?

I'm afraid to say you don't get one as apparently we are "grown ups" and should know by now how to deal with any situation by now. So............Just for you.................I have made one.........................WARNING....................Does contain mild swearing..........Come one..........I'm allowed, it was bloody stressful.

It's here......................D Day............................Car is packed within an inch of its life and there barely enough room for you but...............MAKE ROOM...............The Teen might be acting all cool and calm trust me..........They need you there. Year 1 of Uni here we come.

PARENTS SURVIVAL LIST

1. DO NOT suggest a nice breakfast/lunch on the way there unless you are travelling miles, this will be greeted with a patronising "Yeah........Ermmmmmm........I think we should just get there and get it over with" kind of look. You will think of different ways to delay the inevitable but try to resist the urge.

2. DO NOT try and give any and I mean any advice about sex, especially if your husband is driving and starts chipping in about boys and their raging hormones............................It was at this point he got the shut the F**k up look and we reverted back to staring out of the window commenting on the nice scenery.

3. DO NOT attempt to take any last minute selfies with the Teenager during your car journey, definitely DO NOT suggest this in a Motorway Service toilet. At best you can expect a "No thanks" at worst you may be told to "sod off" and left drying your hands whilst trying to get your camera to focus.

4. DO NOT suggest a set time for your Teen to phone you, once the immense eye rolling has finished they may well accidentally on purpose forget to call you at all leaving you in a constant state of anxiety and worrying they have been murdered on campus during their first Freshers event.

5. Talking of Freshers Week DO NOT try to relive your younger days in the car, especially if your husband starts it off with "Listen to you Mum she's been there worn the T-Shirt tumble dried it and worn it again when it comes to getting pissed and boys". I vaguely remember hearing the Teen trying to open the car door whilst we travelled at 60mph and fling herself out rather than think about her Mother being young.

6. DO give it your best Oscar winning performance at acting calm and cool........................If you are freaking out trust me they will too.

7. DO take tissues hidden in the glove box, and a small bottle of Gin which I found helped immensely.............................. Purely for medicinal purposes you understand.

8. DO smile at everyone on arrival, not in a crazy type of way but you don't want to be remembered as the miserable mother of that girl in block A. In fact I smiled so much that my cheeks and face hurt for 2 days......................It was either the smiling or the pressure at not bursting into tears..............Or maybe it was the Gin.

9. DO NOT suggest taking phone numbers of their newly made friends in case there's an emergency or even worse befriending them on Face Book.....................I am thrilled to announce I did not do this but did overhear someone else..........................It was at this moment I think I saw a glint of relief in my daughters eye, I might even of seen a look of "My Mums so cool".....................I said "might".

10. DO help carry everything to their new room/dorm and then suggest you LEAVE them to it. I unfortunately did not do this and insisted that we carried everything up to the 3rd floor and then help her get the room set up............................It was at this moment the previous look in my Daughters eye disappeared and I was once again classed as a total embarrassment.

11. Once you have said your goodbyes, hugged and promised to kill anyone who might upset, hurt or have sex with your Teen DO NOT wave furiously out of the car window until they are no longer in sight. The result of this is an unfortunate case of 'Follow My Leader" in which you will start every Mother leaving their child for the first time in a uniformed crying festival which can only be described as a bloody mess. This is also a great moment for a quick sip of Gin.............Dark Sunglasses also help.

12. If needed DO get your Husband to pull over at earliest opportunity so you can get it all out and have a big blub. If you're really lucky he might even take pity on you and suggest a nice shopping trip to cheer you up. Take full advantage of this offer........................After all you did most of the packing.

13. DO NOT put the radio on once you are homeward bound..........................I promise you that every song you hear will have something about "Leaving" or "Moving On" in it. I am now wondering if the radio stations do it on purpose after looking at all the starting dates online.

14. Once you have arrived home DO NOT go into their bedroom and definitely DO NOT sit wrapped in their old smelly T-Shirt (which they have bloody left and now you will have to take it to them at the earliest convenient time as they surely can't live without it)..............Calm down, they can live without it.

15. Instead DO shut their door and leave everything for at least a week at which point you will enter the room and suddenly think what a great office space their desk will make. Or a spare bed for when your Husband snores so loudly you could happily kill him.

16. AND FINALLY...................DO NOT burst into tears when you hear their voice for the first time, instead be as happy and relaxed as you can. Its a bit like being on an aeroplane and watching the air hostesses......................As long as they are calm then everything is fine. It's a bit like that for the Teens too, as long as Mum sounds OK and still in control they will be fine and can conquer the world.

So Parents of the world, that's all I have to offer on the journey you are about to embark on, please memorise this list if you wish to keep an ounce of dignity.

A year ago I heard horror stories galore about how awful it all was and how you are never the same once they have gone. I listened to people who told me that you cry every time they come back and then go again.........................You will encounter these tales but rest assured from one who knows............................It wasn't one of my happiest days saying goodbye but I promise you it does become the new norm extremely quickly.

I love it when she is home and I do feel a pang of sadness as I wave her off each time but I know I've done a great job because she is happy, secure and most of all capable.

Good Luck to anyone who is heading off in the next few weeks and most of all huge hugs to all the Parents who are beginning a new kind of chapter in their lives.....................And if all else fails just remember that potential shopping trip and your new office space.

Lots of Love
Me
xxx




Sunday, 24 July 2016

Been There Done That.............Summer Hell

Its here........................................Todays the day.........................The first day of that thing called THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS.


I can hear the cries of despair all over the country as thousands of Mums/Dads and Carers of the small humans let out that first day sigh and say to themselves "What the hell am I going to do with them for 6 weeks"....................................................I've been there, but those of us who have the grown up variety of small humans might look slightly smug (I must admit I do), we are those Mums who have stood in line at a variety of crap days out, those bloody get togethers where we would rather be anywhere else than sitting on a scratchy blanket fighting wasps, listening to how advanced "Little Johnny" is whilst watching our little ones kick a ball around the park and just wishing we were drinking Gin instead of warm Orange Squash.

I've done the whole baking before 6am and building indoor tents when its pissing down outside only to find that after creating a 5 * house out of chairs and sheets they are playing with a box that the new hoover came in.

We've been to petting farms, mazes, the beach, the park, story time at the Library and the worst of all things related with the Summer Holidays................ swimming at the local pool......................Squeezing myself into an unflattering costume whilst trying to get a 5 year old and a 2 year old ready in the communal changing areas were amongst my worst nightmares. Only closely followed by the smell of poo as my 2 year old crapped in his swim nappy just as we walked onto pool side...................And all this was witnessed by what I love to call "The Perfect Mummys", you know the ones I mean. Those fabulous creatures who looked like they had stepped out of a magazine with their sodding perfect children and their handsome husbands who has taken the whole of summer off just because he can....................I've swam side by side with these ladies only to cringe when my kid announces that she might of just accidentally done a wee in the pool only to feel the warmth of the proclaimed wee sweeping over me and seeing the look of horror on Perfect Mummys face as she too feels it.

I remember having to smile nicely as my kids introduced me to "Bunty" or "Tarquin" who they had literally just met but were now their "Best Friend" apparently..................."Can she come for tea Mummy......Or a sleepover...........Or live with us forever" ............................................................
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OF COURSE SHE BLOODY CANT YOU HAVE ONLY JUST MET HER.

Why, why, why I used to ask myself......................................................................................

At the time I thought I was the best mum ever and actually doing something every single day was something to be applauded and commended but do you know what........................There is nothing wrong with your kids be bored, nothing at all, in fact I truly think being bored is what evokes an imagination in children. 

My 2 humans are 19 and 15 now and to be honest I'm lucky if they are up before 1pm these days but I love the fact that they did have days where we didn't do anything except watch movies in our PJ's and eat crap all day. There is nothing wrong with opening the back door and telling them to just go and play.......................One of the best activities I ever did was to give them a pack of chalk and let them draw to their hearts content on our patio, even better was the paintbrushes and tub of water afterwards to wash it all off...........................They spent all day quite happily and I had hardly spent anything.

Don't get sucked in to the whole "Perfect Mummy" cult and remember as long as they are safe, fed, watered and happy they really don't need anything else. 

Have a great Summer.........................................I'm certainly going to in a non smug way...........................Honest.

Lots of Love
Me
xx


Monday, 4 July 2016

I Only Wanted To Be A Jedi.........

It's not often I write about H (Male Teen) mainly due to the fact he hates the thought of all his personal life being out there for all to see. However, on this occasion I am saying "Balls" to that and have decided to dedicate this piece to him.

I assume that many of you out there have been pulling your hair out at the whole "work experience" malarkey that is suddenly sprung on us during Year 10. It starts with a nice friendly letter about the positive effects it has on a growing child and how important it is to their general well being and confidence............................I must point out at this moment that it had the opposite effect on M (female teen) when she did it 4 years ago, rather than making her want to be a teacher it turned her completely off it unfortunately.............................Anyway, back to H............................Finding him somewhere to do his work experience proved rather more tricky than I had ever thought. Most parents had already got their kids names down at various local businesses ( I hate these parents, mainly because I didn't think of it first) so this proved tricky in a community that is outnumbered by kids.

Once we had sat down and discussed what he would like to do it became apparent to me very quickly that he had no bloody clue...................Professional Sleeper came to mind or Maker of Extreme Messes was another option.

It was at this moment I almost panicked.............................All of his mates were heading off to Police stations, schools or airports and here he was with nothing, not a thing.

I was a failure.....................A great big let down. "Let him find something on his own" one friend said, as if that was going to happen, he can't find a pair of socks in the morning let alone a bloody job.

Then as if by the Power of Greyskull Mr DG stepped in........................"He can come to work with me if he likes, I bet the IT department would love to have him". Well, to say I was relieved was an understatement. Unfortunately H wasn't so impressed "WHAT........................I'M NOT GOING TO WORK WITH DAD. HE LEAVES AT LIKE 6am AND ISNT HOME UNTIL 7PM. WHEN AM I GOING TO GET ANY FREE TIME".............................Bless him, he really has no clue that one day this will be his life. Getting up and going off to work before 3pm with no chance of a nap mid morning.

Unfortunately for him he had no choice and reluctantly agreed that this was going to have to be the way forward. Mr DG did everything possible to engage him in all the things the IT department had planned for him but he was about as unresponsive as a Custard Cream. Confidence has never been his strong point and he differs so much from his big sister who fills the room with her personality and positivity. He is a quiet, gentle but very funny (once he knows you) kind of kid and I worry all the time that opportunities will just pass him by.

His big first day arrived and off he went with his head hung low, Mr DG sent me a photo of him fast asleep in the car on the way there and my heart filled with sorrow at what we were making him do. The clock ticked, my heart pounded and I sat feeling guilty that I hadn't just let him have the week off..............................Then, the phone rang...................................."Hi Mum, it's me.........................."

Not only was he chatty but he was full of stories about his first morning and how munch he had loved it. The IT guys had been hilarious and had made him feel so welcome taking him around the huge building to all the different departments and even to the "Nerve centre" of the building which was in his words "epic" and "sick" (I think that means its good). Mr DG had offered to take him out for lunch but he had wanted to take his sandwich back to his little desk as he had "data" to analyse.

I could barely believe my ears, how had this happened ?

The week flew past and he loved every minute of it, he was up and dressed by 6am every morning and once home sat for ages telling me all about what he had done and who had said what................................I am sure he has grown about a foot and I think that's just with confidence, he looks different in a weird kind of "I've been out to work for a week" way.

The guys at work all came back with glowing reports of this funny young man who was not only polite but bright as a button and did everything they asked of him and more. We couldn't of been prouder and I had to admit that I was wrong in my dismissal of work experience for 15 year old teenagers.

He's gone back to school today and actually said he wished he was going to work instead but has now realised that he's got to work super hard so that he can get good grades and get a good job in the future. He has big ideas of owning a home with a swimming pool and a cinema room (nothing wrong with dreaming big I say).

Just before he left  he turned to me and said "Its serious stuff all this growing up isn't it.............Remember when I just wanted to be a Jedi"...................................A tiny part of me died inside when he said this, I do remember it like it was yesterday and now as I watch him walk off with his usual hand in one pocket I am filled with love and pride for this gorgeous young man that we have raised.

We Love You H

xxxxxxxxx


Monday, 27 June 2016

Pavement Snogging

Have you ever felt so stupid you wanted the pavement to swallow you up ?..................................This literally and I mean literally happened to me last Thursday.

Picture the scene....................We had just been out for a nice meal out to celebrate M getting a 1st in her first year at Uni and H successfully completing his mock GCSE's without any major meltdowns (apart from the one morning where he declared "school is shit" and stropped off almost as if to the sound track from Star Wars when Darth Vader walks in.

We had had a wonderful evening and as usual eaten far too much..........................Why do I always do that, why do I know full well that having that Ginger and Treacle Tart is just a step too far but still I inhale it. Why once I've had to undo the last buckle on my belt do I insist on just trying the Sticky Toffee Pudding and Chocolate Brownie from everyone else plate.............................By everyone else, I do mean my family not just random people in the restaurant.........................That would just be bloody rude. Can you imagine just wandering round with a fork saying "sorry but would you mind if I just sampled a bit of your dessert".........

Anyway, I digress...............................We had paid the bill and went outside to the car. We had bought the car due to the extreme Monsoon style rain that had engulfed us earlier but now it was warm and sunny and quite frankly I'm not sure I would of fitted in the passenger seat. "Lets walk" I said to M, "the boys can drive and we'll stroll home". I had suggested this in the hope that the 3 minute walk home might move the food that was now slowly sliding its way down my chest into my tummy much quicker. "Good idea Mum" she happily replied................................I felt complete, my family were all back together in one place and finally I could get a good nights sleep.

It was at this point it all sort of went horribly wrong....................Mr DG and H decided that it would be hilarious (in their eyes only) if they tried to race us home. This in itself was the most ridiculous idea ever............................Not only am I fat and not very quick on my feet but I was full to the chin with food and wine.

Unbeknown to me they had hidden just around the corner from our house, as we wandered like 2 peas in a pod the sudden rev of a car engine startled us so much I'm not actually convinced a small amount of wee didn't come out...........................M screamed and turned to run laughing as she filmed him coming round the corner.........................I did a sort of Scooby Doo style running on the spot manoeuvre only to suddenly feel my ankle kind of "pop" and then as if in slow motion...............................I started to fall.............................And roll.............................And fall a bit more. Imagine Bodie and Doyle on The Professionals.......................Well, it was nothing like that but you get the drift.

I don't really remember much else as I momentarily fainted due to the pain, I do remember Mr DG scooping me up (this is a challenge in itself) and plonking me into the back of the car. Once inside The Northern Mother who had been dog sitting took control and shouted at H who was by this point fanning me with the latest WI magazine. M just kept saying "Oh my God, she went with such a bang, look look I got it on film" and Mr DG attempted to wrap a bag of Peas around my rapidly swollen foot.

On close inspection not only had I cut all my arms but my new blouse was ripped to shreds........................On the plus side, my large handbag that everyone takes the mickey out of had cushioned my fall and my new watch had survived the impact.

To cut a very long story short , I am now on crutches awaiting the swelling to go down so that I can have an Xray to see if its broken.......................The crutches are a total sodding nuisance and I have tripped over them several times, not whilst using them but whilst they are propped up against the stairs.

I don't do well with sitting still and quite frankly I have no bloody time for this "elevate your foot" malarkey..........................My date with the pavement was not an enjoyable one and I don't intend to follow it up or call him or text or MMS or even Facebook.

The only thing that made the whole experience worth while was the fact that I have caught up on Love Island and watched several episodes of The Great British Sewing Bee............................ Apart from that its been utterly boring.

Anyway folks....................Keep your fingers crossed for me that its not broken or I might have to revert to Jeremy Kyle and we really don't want that now do we......................

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

Sunday, 19 June 2016

10 Question Challenge..........

I was recently sent a questionnaire from a friend.......Oh God I thought, another load of questions about nothing. I will admit I was wrong. They really made me think................In fact they made me think so much I thought I would share them with you. 
1. When were you last really scared ?
That's an easy one............It was the other night whilst Mr DG was away and I had very stupidly watched an episode of Luther. Suddenly whilst half asleep I heard a bang outside, I sat bolt upright in bed and looked around for someone more adultier (I'm not sure that's a word and spell check doesn't like it) than me......................Realising very quickly that I was the most grown up one in the house I woke the Teen up and made him come downstairs with me.....................No idea what it was..............................We decided not to open the back door.
2. When you were growing up what was your dream job ?
My dream job as a child changed on a regular basis and ranged from wanting to be a Nun to a Dolphin Trainer. I once told a guy in a nightclub I was CID..............He didn't hang around for long.
3. If you could wake up in somebody else body tomorrow who would it be ?
Definitely Victoria Beckham...........Only so I could eat what ever I wanted all day (that woman needs a good meal)........Give David a kiss and ring the press so I could give them some shots of me smiling.
4. Your favourite piece of music ?
My favourite piece has to be Debussy Clair De Lune due to having my daughter to it, unfortunately my son was born to the Damien Omen music.....................Seriously, it really was.
5. Fondest childhood memory ?
That's easy, running from pretend giants with my beloved Dangrad (Granddad) and hiding behind some enormous Oak tress laughing until our sides hurt. I remember trying to recreate it once with my kids who looked at me as if I had lost the plot...................Maybe at 15 and 18 they were a bit old but the dog loved it.
6. If you could be any age for a week what would it be ?
I think I would like to be 17 again, just so I could make something of myself rather than wasting it on partying. 
7. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning ?
"Oh crap..... I haven't tumble dried the Teens PE kit............." How sad is that. 
8. If you could have one superpower what would it be ?
I would like the ability to time travel.............................But.................I would like to be able to change it without the massive consequences Dr Who talks about. 
9. Best compliment ever received ?
The best compliment I have ever received was a few weeks ago after the sad death of Victoria Wood. A good friend replied to a comment I had made on FB saying that second to her I was the funniest person she knew and my stories always made her think of Victoria. RIP Vic you were my hero xxx
10. Favourite word ?
OK.........Sorry Mum...................I'm afraid my favourite word ever is "Vagina" followed closely by "Bollocks"...................God, I can almost hear the click as people log off in disgust. 
Now its your turn..............Choose one of the above questions and give an honest answer in the comment box.
Sorry about the use of the word Vagina............Oh no I said it again...............Bollocks!!!!!
Love 
Me
xxx

Friday, 17 June 2016

Guess What ?..................I'm Back.

Its been 174 days since my last blog, 24 weeks and 6 days since I last sat here and looked at this screen.............I think I might of been a little hasty when I retired. At the time I needed a break, at the time I was bored, frustrated and slightly pissed off at feeling redundant from the blogging world. But........................And it's a big but............................I have missed it, missed it much more than I ever thought I would. People have asked me why............Why did I just stop?. There is no simple answer it was just how I felt at the time.

http://www.clipartfinders.com/people-running-scared-clipart-panda-free-images-clipart-310235.html

The last time I wrote anything was before Christmas and we had gone through a huge amount of change. Moving house, health issues and the biggest trauma.........The Female Teen (M) leaving home for Uni.

6 months on...................Guess what?...................I'M BACK. I have made a deal with myself that this time I will not put pressure on myself to blog every 10 minutes about general crap, I will not get stressed out when I don't get many comments and I will certainly not sell my soul to companies hoping to cash in on the fact I regularly say the word "Vagina" and "Weak Pelvic Floor".

This feels so alien to me now...............I almost feel a fraud writing again. Here goes.........................Be patient with me.

One of the biggest things to happen to me this year was becoming a "different" kind of parent. It took me many months to adjust to my eldest leaving home and if I'm completely honest I became a total bloody nightmare. Freshers week was the worst and I suddenly realised why she had decided to go 3 hours away...............................The times I thought about just going down there and hiding in various hedges to spy on her was overwhelming. The visions of her being attacked, kidnapped and robbed became regular dreams and I began to sit up and wait until I knew she was home before getting any sleep. She would text me without fail just to say she was home but even then it would take me another hour to get back to sleep..........................Running on 2 hours sleep a night did me no favours and I had to give myself a serious talking too..................................The black circles under my eyes resembled a Panda and my bags were so big they look more like trolleys.

Every time she came back I cried and every time she went back I cried again...............................Who was this person I had become, who was this gigantic mess staring back at me in the mirror. I had lost my sparkle and even worse than that I had lost my "funny".

Then, as if by some form of magic...........................It stopped..................................I stopped crying, pinning and waiting and I realised that she was fine. In fact she was more than fine she was bloody great, she had the most fabulous housemates who all looked after her as she was the youngest and regularly waved hello to me in the background of a Face Time chat. Admittedly I was almost caught naked once as I hadn't realised I had clicked "video" and she was in the kitchen surrounded by her housemates......................................I have never moved so quickly in my life.
http://www.clipartfinders.com/shock-clipart-eps-images-6053-clip-art-vector-illustrations-clipart-231969.html
We have been down to Bath a few times and she even surprised me by turning up on the doorstep one Monday morning after getting 3 trains and a bus................................After the initial excitement and much screaming I then went into panic mode that she hadn't told me and what if something had happened......................."Calm down Mum" she said "I let people know I was coming home in case I hadn't arrived by 5pm"...............................You see, she really is fine.



The Boy Teen (H),who is now 6ft tall and talks like Prince William.........I kid you not has renewed his love for her and can't wait to see her every time she's home. They sit and chat for hours and hours about things I have no clue about and then laugh hysterically as I try to include myself in their conversation.

As June ends and July approaches I am so excited to have M home for 3 months.......Bloody Nora...........................3 months..............................Its going to be very strange having another female in the house again after all this time. I have got quite used to being the only one having PMT and mood swings and I'm not sure I am ready to share. I am accustomed to only clearing up after one kid and not two and most of all I don't want to share my make-up and beauty products............................What have I turned into.?..........................Am I suddenly the worst parent ever?.............................Nope....................I'm just a different kind of parent whose grown up along with my daughter.

http://www.clipartfinders.com/washing-machine-reviews-washer-&-dryers-best-machines-clipart-287955.htmlH is already talking about going to Uni in the future so I guess I'm going to have to go through it all again one day. At least next time I know I will survive and I will cope better than I expected.............................And lets be honest, if he goes to Uni the only thing I will have to worry about is him actually getting up for lectures and washing his clothes...............Ha ha ha ha washing his clothes..............Now that is funny.


YES...........I DID IT..........I BLOGGED.........I'M BACK!!!!!

Lots of love
Me xxxx

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Thankyou xxxx

I have placed my blog into Semi Retirement due to the fact my kids are now totally embarrassed about my mutterings and musings. This is not to say I will not one day pick it up from where I left it but for now I am going to take a well earned break.

Please feel free to browse back through any of the posts on here and I will be re-publishing some of them along the way.

Thank you to all of my wonderful readers and fellow bloggers of whom I have now made some lifelong friends.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxx


Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Is This Your Traffic Cone

I'm not going to lie to you but if there is one thing I am very good at its drinking wine.............My palate has changed over the years from Southern Comfort and Lemonade to Gin and Tonic to Prosecco and now suddenly I'm loving a nice cold Chardonnay..............I suddenly feel very grown up drinking wine and even found myself in a wine wholesale shop buying in bulk for Xmas last week.

If I'm being totally honest I haven't got a bloody clue about the whole "bouquet" thing and all I can smell is............Well..........Wine. I would imagine there are many wine buffs passing out all over the world at that statement.

The only thing I'm not a fan of is getting drunk, don't get me wrong I love feeling a little but tipsy but after watching many people over the years getting blind drunk its just not something that floats my boat...........Watching someone who's pissed as a newt can be hilarious but can also be totally embarrassing.

Here's my Top 10 tips to being a nice drunk:-

1. You suddenly remember a skill you can do from your youth - Lets face it, you might of been able to do a head spin when you were 10 but now you have boobs and gravity just doesn't allow this move anymore,

2. You think you are good at singing - YOU ARE NOT...........I REPEAT..........YOU ARE NOT.

3. Sharing you innermost feelings - Once you have said it its out there, I do not particularly want to know about how much you fantasise about Martin in accounts and neither does his wife who is at the next table.

4. Carry home a traffic cone - In what situation would you possibly need a traffic cone, and please please do not give it to me as a hat.............

5. Think you are whispering - You are not.........In fact you are being louder than if you were using the traffic cone to shout through.

6. Pole Dancing - When I say "Pole Dancing" the clue is in the name........Its supposed to be with a pole not a parking meter or lamppost.

7. Feeling the need to eat a Kebab - I can't really say anything about this other than........YUCK.

8. Invading personal space - In what setting would you normally talk to a complete stranger with your nose pressed up against theirs.

9. Making Plans - This never really happens when you can't actually remember organising to meet everyone the next day.

10. Go on a trampoline - This never ends well and usually results in the entire contents of your stomach reappearing..........Maybe that Traffic cone might be useful after all.


With Christmas fast approaching remember these top tips to avoid the dreaded phone call from your best mate the next morning saying "You wont believe what you did last night".

Lots of love
Me
xxxxx

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

6 Months

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realise that your life needs more fun.........Not just a bit of fun but a whole lot of belly laughing, snorting, maybe even dribbling whilst laughing FUN.

Everyone that knows me will understand when I say that there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on around here for 6 months. Laughter has been replaced by STRESS..........Smiling has been replaced by a lot of frowning and any chance of normality has vanished.

Curious to why ?...........Let me fill you in.

2nd June - Sold the house we have lived in for 15 years to move to something with more space, the whole showing people around thing was probably the most mind numbingly boring thing ever...........See this post.....Missing In Action

12th June - Found the house of our dreams by pure chance thanks to my Mum playing bowls one day with an elderly gentleman who mentioned that his house sale had fallen through that morning........Within 2 hours I had been round, had 2 cups of tea, mentally pictured where the furniture was going, had 2 more cups of tea, adopted elderly couple as surrogate Grandparents, phoned Mr DG who promptly arrived and.............Drum roll please...........Bought a house.

15th July - Moving day was...........Well...........It was not what I would call enjoyable mainly due to the night before having to have an emergency Root Canal done and then having the worst upset tummy all the next day which when you have 1 toilet and 6 men in your house moving boxes was not fun. I filled myself up with Imodium which then resulted in not pooing for 4 days. 

15th July - We were all moved in.......YES.........




2nd August - We had hardly had time to unpack everything before it was time to pack again and head off to Devon for 2 weeks. We reluctantly drove away from our new house in the pouring rain only to arrive in the pouring rain at the other end and then proceeded to have 2 weeks of.......YEP......You guessed it.......POURING RAIN.

30th August - Female Teen turned 18 which then entailed her sudden need to go to pubs and clubs. To be honest I felt for her as she is the youngest by far in her little group so up until this moment she had been stuck at home whilst everyone else went out. The only problem with this going out malarkey was that we had to stay up until 3am...........To say we were knackered was an understatement. Having a bloody baby was easier. A'Level results were in too.........Holy Crap.......She's going to Uni.
September - The dreaded month had arrived and it was time to drag myself out of the pit of denial I had been in and face facts that Female Teen was going to Uni.................After much packing and lots of saying goodbye to everyone the day had arrived. I am not going to dwell too much on the whole dropping her off experience because even now it is just too bloody emotional to write about...........What I will say is that she settled in within minutes, her little room was gorgeous, her new friends were delightful and I managed not to cry until we had left the campus only to sob so much Mr DG had to pull the car over to calm me down. I cried on and off all weekend but every time I spoke to her I was reassured that little bit more.

October - October passed in a blur with me mainly try to readjust to a new normal of just having 1 child at home.

November - A whirlwind visit to Bath to see the Female Teen which was fantastic. Finally felt like we were a complete family again even if it was for just 4 hours. She is still having a blast and loving the experience. Male Teen has now decided he wants to go there too...................I'm back in my pit of denial again.

So, there we go......................I can hardly believe where the time has gone and the Female Teen has almost done her first term. I am still feeling rather redundant and not quite sure what to do next, we still lay wide awake when we know she is out and I have become quite proficient and Face Book stalking............Just so I can get some sleep.

I was thinking that this might be my last blog post as I just haven't felt like writing at all lately but after getting it all down I am now thinking that might be a mistake. It really is like a kind of therapy isn't it.................Except its a lot cheaper.

Lots of Love
Me
xxx
xxxxx


Tuesday, 10 November 2015

10 Things You Never Say To A Woman On Her Period

It's here again.................Once a month the monster inside of me rears its ugly head and basically goes on some type of emotional rampage through my body. There is nothing I can do about it and have literally tried everything out there, so..........I just kind of accept it and try hard not to get myself into too much trouble along the way. So far I have never need Bail money or a good lawyer so I think I'm doing Ok.

My biggest problem is not how to handle it............It's how not to snap when somebody says something really stupid to you. What I really need is a Government Health Warning sticker on my chest so that people are slightly more sensitive.

Here are 10 things never to say to me or any other poor sod who is having their period.

1. "Well.........That explains your mood for the past 10 days"

2. "Haven't you just had one"?

3. "Look the bright side..........At least your not pregnant"

4. "How funny do your feet look when they go all puffy like that "

5. "Another slice of cake..........REALLY"?

6. "For the love of God stop crying........All I said was..."

7. "Does that mean we don't have to use a Condom"?

8. "I'm sure its not as bad as you make out"

9. "You can't have many more years left of this"

10. "The wine has run out and the shops are shut"........THIS IS BY FAR THE WORST ONE.

I can solemnly promise you that all of these sweeping statements have been said to me in one way or another throughout my life.

Can you imagine if men had their Menstrual Cycle, Menstruation, Menopause and Gynaecology appointments..............Hang on a second.............Something had just struck me whilst writing......All of those things actually have something in common......MENstrual Cycle......MENstruation........MENopause......GYnaecology...........I can see a conspiracy theory here.

If men had any of these things I'm betting we would all have a national holiday once a month. To be honest I just don't think they would cope full stop.................The houses of Parliament would be filled with hysterical screaming and shouting and lots of "he said" "she said"....................Wait.............That is exactly what its like in there.....................................Is there something we don't know????????

I'm off now to eat my own body weight in chocolate and massage my massive swollen ankles.............

See you on the other side
Love
Me
xxxx








I've linked this post up with the gorgeous Lets Talk Mommy.