Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Driving Me Crazy.....

Is it possible to travel for 5 hours in a car with 2 Teenagers and not want to throw yourself out of the window..........................................................My answer......................................NO.

We arrived at our destination (Centre Parcs) safe and sound, well.........................Apart from my sanity which has taken a beating to say the least....................Here are a list of squabbles, rants and arguments that peppered our journey.

1. He's got more room than me its soooooooooooo unfair.
2. She's purposely breathing on me and she has a cold.
3. His feet stink and he keeps putting them on me.
4. She is looking at me...................

This was all in the first 20 minutes of leaving. Mr DG pulled the car over and threatened to leave them by the side of the road if they didn't stop picking on each other........Then.................We had a thought......................What if we did the same....................What if we picked on each other in the same way that they did......................................

1. Stop being such a grown up...........................You are sooooooo boring.
2. Why are you yawning so much.............................Anyone would think you had been up organising this trip since 5am.
3. You are driving like such a frump................Why cant we do handbrake turns on the motorway??
4. Its sooooo unfair that you don't have the steering wheel in front of you.....I don't have any room.

They looked in complete horror as we yelled at each other with the windows down in full view of anyone that was walking past us. We only managed 4 niggles as I then burst out laughing as Mr DG did Sparkys Justin Bieber hair flick......................This was funny as he is as bald as a coot (Mr DG, not Sparky).

The journey continued and every time they argued so did we......................I must admit at one point I almost didn't get back in the car when we stopped for petrol but I figured if I stayed I would only have to live and work at the Little Chef and I'm not sure that was a responsible thing to do plus the dog would miss me too much.

At last we arrived at Centre Parcs and I heaved a huge sigh of relief.................................I am now bracing myself for the moment the kids realise that they are sharing a room..................................

Stay tuned for the next instalment.........If I am still sane.......

Thursday, 10 April 2014

Race Day

Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen we are live from Sussex and its a beautiful morning here. The first race of the day is the 11.45 Supermarket Hurdle and we have a late entry in the form of The 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess. I'm not entirely sure what she was thinking when she entered at this late stage as its not a normal occurrence for her, anyway lets pass over to our commentators for the morning Peter and Murray................................................

Morning Jim and thanks, we are excited about this one so without further ado lets get cracking........................The contenders are lined up and awaiting the starting pistol. In lane 1 we have the slightly startled looking 40 Year Old DG. I have to say Murray she doesn't actually look like she knows what is going on however her new Espadrilles may stand her in good stead.

In lane 2 its the raining champion, the hugely popular Granny Knickers, she is raring to go and has her recyclable bags all ready.
 
In lane 3 its Mum on The Run with her 3 darling sprogs all screaming for a variety of unattainable items that she just cannot get to right now. We wish her luck.

Lane 4 is the slightly aggressive Man In A Suit who has a basket.....Yes.....A basket folks. Surely this will give him a slight weight advantage today.

And lastly in lane 5 we have The Employee, he's 19, fast, wearing headphones and is armed with an enormous cage filled with loo rolls.

The tension is enormous as all our riders keep their eyes on the prize....The Checkout.

AND THEIR OFF..................................................

The 40 Year Old DG is first out and shes making a great run towards the ready made salads, but what's this....Oh my goodness.....Granny Knickers has rammed her ankles forcing The 40 Year Old DG to loose her Espadrille and trip. Mum on The Run is already in the bread isle grabbing as many French Sticks as she can carry............................But, look at this...........As predicted Man In A Suit is steaming ahead using the no trolley rule to his full advantage. He grabs a sandwich only to be foiled by The Employee who has positioned his cage right across the isle........................Its carnage as the riders try to manoeuvre round him. He's not moving, this is unbelievable, I don't think the headphones are helping.

Granny Knickers is the 1st to get round with The 40 Year Old DG hot on her heels. There's an almighty commotion as Mum On The Run has lost one of her kids........She's turning back......That's it, she's throwing her hands up and....................She's out of the race.

Man In A Suit is taking no prisoners as he actually picks Granny Knickers up and moves her out of the way and shoves The 40 Year Old DG into the Ready Meal section......................She's not happy and what's this.........................A hand gesture has been issued Ladies and Gentlemen, Man In A Suit responds with a tirade of abuse only to be rammed from behind by Granny Knickers trolley which is roaming free without its rider...........This is unbelievable, Granny Knickers has stopped for a chat with a friend, she seem oblivious that the race is continuing without her.

Its a 2 person race and its any ones game...........The finish line is in sight, this is so exciting I can barely watch. They are neck and neck.............................NO NO NO....I cant believe it............The Employee has appeared from nowhere and is idly walking in front of them with his massive cage........He's so busy listening to his music he hasn't seen them coming.

The 40 Year Old DG has seen him and swerves.................She's through...................Man In A Suit hasn't been so lucky and is now picking up loo rolls.

The flag is waving, we have a winner..............................Its the 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess who still has that startled look on her face but she's thrilled............................................What an amazing race..................................................Amazing.

Please note :- No Granny's were hurt in the above race.


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Wednesday, 26 March 2014

My Mothers Day Wish

"Mum..............What would you like for Mothers Day?" HRH asked me yesterday. "What about a nice bunch of flowers or some perfume" she enquired. "Do I have to go and get it too" said Sparky in his Teenage hormonal slightly up his own arse kind of way.

This got me thinking about what I would really like for Mothers Day.................Imagine if instead of your partners and kids being in charge there was an actual Fairy Godmother that Tweeted you and asked you what you would like...............................A social networking fairy that could get you anything..........................................................................................................................ANYTHING!!!!

How about..............................

A whole day where I could eat what I liked without a single tiny calorie gluing itself to my bum, hips, thighs and ankles.......Attractive right!!! Or............................Hugh Jackman whisking me off for a walk in Central Park.....In the rain......................Ahhhhhhhhhhh..........................Focus.....................

Actually my perfect day is quite simple........................Well relatively simple..................OK..................It might be a little far fetched but anyway.........................I would like to wake up to peace and quiet with no Teenagers arguing (I said it was far fetched) then a tray with poached eggs, muffins and a glass of fresh orange juice would appear via the Hubby (the last time the kids made me breakfast I got an orange slice in my tea and Honey on my eggs). After I've finished my brekkie I would love just for once to be first in the shower so that it is hot and not luke warm and rushed like always. I would also like to be ALONE just for once.

The day would continue with a brand new comfy squashy garden chair being placed on my decking with a little table next to it holding a book, a jug of Pimms, chocolates and Turkish Delights (this is in the small hope the sun might come back just for me). And to be honest....................That's it.................As long as they don't argue and keep my Pimms topped up all day I would be one very happy Mummy............................................................In fact I would be so happy I wouldn't even think about Hugh Jackman all day...................................What............................I wouldn't..................................Honestly.


So ladies, what would you like if you could have anything ................Please note............Hugh Jackman is my wish so you cant have that one.

Leave your comments below and I might even let the Social Networking Fairy know your wishes. xxx


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Thursday, 20 March 2014

And....Breathe.

Some of my most thoughtful insights come to me in the bit before everyone gets up and creates havoc. Today is no different, its 6am and I am alone............Well apart from the dog who is Super Glued to me..............The house is quiet apart from the ticking of my many clocks (a bit of an obsession), Mr DG hates them all and thinks its like listening to time slipping away with every "tick,tock"..........The birds are beginning to wake up and chatter away in the garden and occasionally the odd car drives past slowly. My coffee is next to me and with each sip I become more awake ready to take on the world. I love the peace and stillness of the house when everyone is still in the land of dreams and I breathe slowly savouring the oncoming morning chaos that the school/work day brings......................................................Another deep long slow breath......................Then............

"I'm first in the shower today, you went first yesterday"

"No, way......YOU went first yesterday.....................Its sooooooo unfair"

"Oh my God.....I so did not go first, this is like totally typical of you in the morning......................MUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!"

I close my eyes as the angelic yelling shatters my silence.........I wait for Mr DG to interject...............This doesn't happen...................Until.........................................................The brand new shower cubicle doors slam shut..............................................................

"For God's sake don't slam those doors, we paid a fortune for that new bathroom and you are going to wreck it in 5 minutes.................................I don't work all day just for you two to trash our house"

"It wasn't me it was her.....................She tried to trap my finger in it on purpose"

"I so totally did not...........Its not my fault if your fat fingers get in the way all the time"

"MMMMUUUUMMMMMMMMMM.......................She said I had fat fingers"

The last sip of coffee slips down my throat and the dog sighs and long painful "Here we go again" sigh. Mr DG has appeared and shakes his head in desperation...."Honestly, those two".............In my mind I wonder why he is down here with me and why he doesn't just sort it out......"I will leave you to referee that match" he says with a wink.......................................................................................

Another slam of the shower doors........................."MUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMM he's just called me a cow.......Can I slap him?"

"I never called you a Cow.........................Plus.....................You called me a Moronic Dipstick and Fat"

I climb the stairs with meaning and stand looking at the pair of them..................................And hit them with the greatest super power I posses .......................................................THE MUMMY LOOK................................They both break eye contact and slope off into their rooms, peace has returned and for once I shower in peace..........................................................A cold one as they have used all the hot water...............And Breathe................................................

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

I.......Dont Have A Clue....Pad

I love my Mum , she's my best friend, my confidant, my laugh until you wet yourself buddy and the one who gets to hear my blog posts before anyone else (if she doesn't laugh, it doesn't make it). BUT....................................................................She is completely and utterly rubbish at technology............I know that it cant be easy and that we have been used to it but she drives me crazy, I have tried to be patient and kind..............This involves a deep breathing App I found........

Lets take a look at the various forms of gadgetry she is attempting to use at the moment.....

1. Mobile Phone - I am not entirely sure what century her phone is from and the only clue to its age is the size. Its pink, large and noisy. For her to send a text can take up to 30 minutes with the most annoying "beep beep beep beep beep" for every letter. "Let me turn that beeping off for you Mum" I ask, "No, I like it. It means I have pressed the keys" she replies. I have offered to buy her a new one but she just says no...............................................I am not sure what we will do when it finally breaks..........................Probably go on line to find another retro one.

2. Digital TV - This is hysterical. I cannot seem to get her to understand that we have Sky and we don't have the same channels as her....."Put channel 124 on....Its that programme we were talking about"............................."I cant Mum, my channels are a different number to yours. What's the name of the channel?"..............................."I don't know...............Its.........Ummmmm.....Channel 124 and that bloke with the sweep over is on".....................................It then takes me 10 minutes to find what she is watching and by then its finished. She then has the cheek to say "Your just not quick enough".

3. Broadband - The only thing she ever says about this is that "it flashes all the time" and "its broken".......Its not broken its that she has hit it with her Henry Hoover and knocked the plug out.

4. Face book - This has been a recent discovery and so far she has managed to send private messages that weren't private, comment on a photo that belonged to someone she didn't know and "like" a page that advertised Condoms. I attempted to show her how to have a private chat but gave up when I suddenly worried that she might post it on a wall rather then in a message.

5. And Finally - The Ipad Mini......................We got her this for Christmas and she was elated. Little did I know that it would be like organising a flight to the moon. The sentence "I don't have that button" are regular conversations when trying to tell her how to turn it off.........Turns out she had it upside down in the Ipad Case....................................

Today she is coming over for a Master Class in all thing IPad.......................................And Breathe........

P.S Sorry Mum, I know you will be reading this and will probably have that look of "I don't know what she is talking about" on your face. I am proud of you giving it a go and one day you will get it...........................Trouble is by then there will be something new out..........

Lots of Love
Me xxxx


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Thursday, 13 March 2014

Think First, Speak Later

I recently had lunch with a dear friend of mine and a couple of her friends, we got onto the subject of things Men just shouldn't say to women no matter what the situation. This conversation stemmed from one of the ladies telling us that the night before her Husband had very stupidly asked her during an argument if she was on her period................................................................................................We all sat opened mouthed at his bravery as she retold how she had glared at him then burst into tears. Come on Men.........Its not that hard is it.......................................The golden rule is................................If your not sure don't ask, go out buy chocolate, wine and give her a cuddle.

Here is a list of 10 things you should never say to a woman.........On or off her period.

1. "Are you wearing that?" - This will result in an astonished look followed by 2 hours of changing outfits whilst screaming that she has nothing to wear. The right thing to say is "You look gorgeous".

2. "God, you sound like your Mother" - Response will probably be "At least I don't sound like yours"

3. "So, what exactly have you done all day?" - REALLY!!! Are you even noticing the neat and tidy house with the pile of freshly done ironing hanging on a chair and the kids homework completed.......Never mind the fact she is drinking Gin straight from the bottle.

4. "For Gods sake chill out" - Never a good one, in my experience I find the person who says "Chill out" is probably the reason you are stressed in the first place.

5."I don't have any clean socks" -  That's because you roll them into little balls and stuff them down the sides of the chair. If you would like them washed please separate them and place them in the wash basket..............I repeat "IN" the wash basket not "ON TOP OF"

6. "Is it that time of the month?" - There is no answer for this one only that Bravery has taken over.

7. "I was so busy I didn't even get time to go for a swim and a sauna at lunchtime". - Boo Hoo.....She probably hasn't even had time to have a wee today.

8. "Crikey, are you going to eat all that?" - Not wanting to make a scene in a restaurant she will wait until you are in the car then.........I would duck if I was you.

9. "Don't worry, I love all your wobbly bits". - Our answer will be "When you look like Hugh Jackman, I will work on looking like a Victoria's Secret model.

10. "I'll drive......I'd like to get there in one piece." - Your journey is likely to be fraught and peppered with extreme back seat driving.

Take note fellas or face certain limitations...............

Next week Mr DG will be doing a guest post on 10 Things You Never Say To a Man.......................Its only fair I suppose.

Lots of Love
Me
xx

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Confessions To My Husband

Dear Mr DG,

I have a few confessions that I feel I need to share with you. Its been almost 20 years since I met you and in all that time there have been moments that I have told a few white lies. I have decided to get them off my chest in the hope you will never read this forgive me.

Here goes........

1. I purposely take really long showers just as the shopping is about to be delivered. I time it perfectly so I don't have to carry it all in and unpack it. Even when I ask you what time its coming you still haven't cottoned on.

2. When I tell you I'm off out to "run some errands" what I am actually doing is......Shopping....I will hide things in the car and take them out when you have gone to work the next day.

3. When you ask me if I am wearing something new I usually say "Nope....You just haven't noticed"......This is a lie and I have in fact just popped down to the car to retrieve it from the stash I purchased when I was "doing errands".

4. On a night out I am actually made up of 60% Nylon, 30% Spandex and only 10% woman. I am sweaty and uncomfortable as well as finding it hard to breathe.....Please do not attempt to initiate sex when we get home until I have peeled my self out of it allowing my body to recover and swing freely.

5. When I make those little noises in my sleep that you find so cute I am in fact dreaming that Hugh Jackman has followed me back on Instagram and is my biggest fan.............

I hope aren't too cross and I promise not to do any of them any more.....................................Sorry................................I'm laughing at myself now................................What I actually promise is to never show you this blog post.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxx