Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Thankyou xxxx

I have placed my blog into Semi Retirement due to the fact my kids are now totally embarrassed about my mutterings and musings. This is not to say I will not one day pick it up from where I left it but for now I am going to take a well earned break.

Please feel free to browse back through any of the posts on here and I will be re-publishing some of them along the way.

Thank you to all of my wonderful readers and fellow bloggers of whom I have now made some lifelong friends.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxx


Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Is This Your Traffic Cone

I'm not going to lie to you but if there is one thing I am very good at its drinking wine.............My palate has changed over the years from Southern Comfort and Lemonade to Gin and Tonic to Prosecco and now suddenly I'm loving a nice cold Chardonnay..............I suddenly feel very grown up drinking wine and even found myself in a wine wholesale shop buying in bulk for Xmas last week.

If I'm being totally honest I haven't got a bloody clue about the whole "bouquet" thing and all I can smell is............Well..........Wine. I would imagine there are many wine buffs passing out all over the world at that statement.

The only thing I'm not a fan of is getting drunk, don't get me wrong I love feeling a little but tipsy but after watching many people over the years getting blind drunk its just not something that floats my boat...........Watching someone who's pissed as a newt can be hilarious but can also be totally embarrassing.

Here's my Top 10 tips to being a nice drunk:-

1. You suddenly remember a skill you can do from your youth - Lets face it, you might of been able to do a head spin when you were 10 but now you have boobs and gravity just doesn't allow this move anymore,

2. You think you are good at singing - YOU ARE NOT...........I REPEAT..........YOU ARE NOT.

3. Sharing you innermost feelings - Once you have said it its out there, I do not particularly want to know about how much you fantasise about Martin in accounts and neither does his wife who is at the next table.

4. Carry home a traffic cone - In what situation would you possibly need a traffic cone, and please please do not give it to me as a hat.............

5. Think you are whispering - You are not.........In fact you are being louder than if you were using the traffic cone to shout through.

6. Pole Dancing - When I say "Pole Dancing" the clue is in the name........Its supposed to be with a pole not a parking meter or lamppost.

7. Feeling the need to eat a Kebab - I can't really say anything about this other than........YUCK.

8. Invading personal space - In what setting would you normally talk to a complete stranger with your nose pressed up against theirs.

9. Making Plans - This never really happens when you can't actually remember organising to meet everyone the next day.

10. Go on a trampoline - This never ends well and usually results in the entire contents of your stomach reappearing..........Maybe that Traffic cone might be useful after all.


With Christmas fast approaching remember these top tips to avoid the dreaded phone call from your best mate the next morning saying "You wont believe what you did last night".

Lots of love
Me
xxxxx

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

6 Months

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realise that your life needs more fun.........Not just a bit of fun but a whole lot of belly laughing, snorting, maybe even dribbling whilst laughing FUN.

Everyone that knows me will understand when I say that there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on around here for 6 months. Laughter has been replaced by STRESS..........Smiling has been replaced by a lot of frowning and any chance of normality has vanished.

Curious to why ?...........Let me fill you in.

2nd June - Sold the house we have lived in for 15 years to move to something with more space, the whole showing people around thing was probably the most mind numbingly boring thing ever...........See this post.....Missing In Action

12th June - Found the house of our dreams by pure chance thanks to my Mum playing bowls one day with an elderly gentleman who mentioned that his house sale had fallen through that morning........Within 2 hours I had been round, had 2 cups of tea, mentally pictured where the furniture was going, had 2 more cups of tea, adopted elderly couple as surrogate Grandparents, phoned Mr DG who promptly arrived and.............Drum roll please...........Bought a house.

15th July - Moving day was...........Well...........It was not what I would call enjoyable mainly due to the night before having to have an emergency Root Canal done and then having the worst upset tummy all the next day which when you have 1 toilet and 6 men in your house moving boxes was not fun. I filled myself up with Imodium which then resulted in not pooing for 4 days. 

15th July - We were all moved in.......YES.........




2nd August - We had hardly had time to unpack everything before it was time to pack again and head off to Devon for 2 weeks. We reluctantly drove away from our new house in the pouring rain only to arrive in the pouring rain at the other end and then proceeded to have 2 weeks of.......YEP......You guessed it.......POURING RAIN.

30th August - Female Teen turned 18 which then entailed her sudden need to go to pubs and clubs. To be honest I felt for her as she is the youngest by far in her little group so up until this moment she had been stuck at home whilst everyone else went out. The only problem with this going out malarkey was that we had to stay up until 3am...........To say we were knackered was an understatement. Having a bloody baby was easier. A'Level results were in too.........Holy Crap.......She's going to Uni.
September - The dreaded month had arrived and it was time to drag myself out of the pit of denial I had been in and face facts that Female Teen was going to Uni.................After much packing and lots of saying goodbye to everyone the day had arrived. I am not going to dwell too much on the whole dropping her off experience because even now it is just too bloody emotional to write about...........What I will say is that she settled in within minutes, her little room was gorgeous, her new friends were delightful and I managed not to cry until we had left the campus only to sob so much Mr DG had to pull the car over to calm me down. I cried on and off all weekend but every time I spoke to her I was reassured that little bit more.

October - October passed in a blur with me mainly try to readjust to a new normal of just having 1 child at home.

November - A whirlwind visit to Bath to see the Female Teen which was fantastic. Finally felt like we were a complete family again even if it was for just 4 hours. She is still having a blast and loving the experience. Male Teen has now decided he wants to go there too...................I'm back in my pit of denial again.

So, there we go......................I can hardly believe where the time has gone and the Female Teen has almost done her first term. I am still feeling rather redundant and not quite sure what to do next, we still lay wide awake when we know she is out and I have become quite proficient and Face Book stalking............Just so I can get some sleep.

I was thinking that this might be my last blog post as I just haven't felt like writing at all lately but after getting it all down I am now thinking that might be a mistake. It really is like a kind of therapy isn't it.................Except its a lot cheaper.

Lots of Love
Me
xxx
xxxxx


Tuesday, 10 November 2015

10 Things You Never Say To A Woman On Her Period

It's here again.................Once a month the monster inside of me rears its ugly head and basically goes on some type of emotional rampage through my body. There is nothing I can do about it and have literally tried everything out there, so..........I just kind of accept it and try hard not to get myself into too much trouble along the way. So far I have never need Bail money or a good lawyer so I think I'm doing Ok.

My biggest problem is not how to handle it............It's how not to snap when somebody says something really stupid to you. What I really need is a Government Health Warning sticker on my chest so that people are slightly more sensitive.

Here are 10 things never to say to me or any other poor sod who is having their period.

1. "Well.........That explains your mood for the past 10 days"

2. "Haven't you just had one"?

3. "Look the bright side..........At least your not pregnant"

4. "How funny do your feet look when they go all puffy like that "

5. "Another slice of cake..........REALLY"?

6. "For the love of God stop crying........All I said was..."

7. "Does that mean we don't have to use a Condom"?

8. "I'm sure its not as bad as you make out"

9. "You can't have many more years left of this"

10. "The wine has run out and the shops are shut"........THIS IS BY FAR THE WORST ONE.

I can solemnly promise you that all of these sweeping statements have been said to me in one way or another throughout my life.

Can you imagine if men had their Menstrual Cycle, Menstruation, Menopause and Gynaecology appointments..............Hang on a second.............Something had just struck me whilst writing......All of those things actually have something in common......MENstrual Cycle......MENstruation........MENopause......GYnaecology...........I can see a conspiracy theory here.

If men had any of these things I'm betting we would all have a national holiday once a month. To be honest I just don't think they would cope full stop.................The houses of Parliament would be filled with hysterical screaming and shouting and lots of "he said" "she said"....................Wait.............That is exactly what its like in there.....................................Is there something we don't know????????

I'm off now to eat my own body weight in chocolate and massage my massive swollen ankles.............

See you on the other side
Love
Me
xxxx








I've linked this post up with the gorgeous Lets Talk Mommy.




Tuesday, 1 September 2015

My Student Pack........A Review.

As many of my loyal readers will know The Female Teen is off to Uni this  September......................... Sniff, sniff hold it together woman. This whole process has been stressful to say the least and has quite possibly been a complete eye opener to the whole growing up, leaving home and being independent malarky. Questions like what does she need to take, where will she live and more honestly will I feel like traipsing round the shops looking for it whilst traumatised at the cost of it all came to mind.

Then last month I stumbled upon something that suddenly made me take a huge sigh of relief and smile.....................This is was the one sentence that got me interested.........

Everything You Need For University, delivered.

What !!!!!! I thought, this must be too good to be true. To my complete delight it was everything I had been looking for all in one place and very reasonably priced.

Here's what they say :- At My Student Pack we continually strive to be the best we possibly can be. We source and supply high quality products at prices which are both competitive and affordable. 
My Student Pack is a one stop shop for all of your daily needs at university. Our aim is to help you save both time and money - allowing you to get on with everything else.
We have been working within the student sector for many years and feel that we are the ideal people to understand what students need when moving into their new accommodation. We understand that both price and quality is important for students, this is why we have created two packs – an essential and a premium pack.
I didn't need to be convinced any more and as soon as we knew what her was accommodation I was online ordering a few boxes.

  My Student Pack

I was blown away with how easy the website was and how informative each section was. We decided to order the Bathroom Pack, Kitchen Pack, Cleaning Pack and the Study Pack (in fact I ordered 2 of these so that my youngest who is going onto year 10 could have one too). Click on the links to each pack to be directed straight to the Student Pack website where you can see a list of everything included and prices.

                            Kitchen Pack (click here to be redirected)









Everything you see in the photos are included and within a couple of days my packs arrived in perfect condition. The Teen was ecstatic with all her goodies and is now choosing which bedroom pack to order.

I am a huge fan of anything that makes my life that little bit easier and My Student Pack certainly did this for me. As nervous as I am about her leaving home and starting a new adventure at least I know that she is kitted out with everything she might need...............And...........Yes, there a and......If she runs out of anything I can order from the website and get it delivered straight to her University.

Thank you to much to the lovely guys at My Student Pack for being so helpful.


    Thursday, 20 August 2015

    Was my Mum really a Hairdresser ??

    As you all know we have moved home recently, apart from being hugely stressful and quite frankly worse than childbirth and getting married it was a time to get stuck into that black hole of Calcutta aka THE LOFT and have a good clear out. Unfortunately my plan of shoving it all back into the new loft were dashed when we realised very early on that it wasn't quite as large as the previous one. This resulted in having to bloody good sort through of the boxes which I had been putting off for about 10 years.

    So, there I am sitting crossed legged on the floor of the study/new loft area for now sorting through smelly, dusty boxes of ........................Memories.

    In amongst the memorabilia I kept coming across photos of me when I was younger/thinner/firmer/
    less stressed. ..........You get the picture. As I smiled at the photos something suddenly hit me.............. My hair styles were bloody shocking and then something even bigger hit me....................My own Mother was a sodding hairdresser !!!!!

    Let me share with you some of the best haircuts ever :-


     1. I am not entirely sure what the heck was going on here only that I looked like George Best in his younger years. Although.....Check out those eyelashes people !!!!

















    2. This little beauty was when I seemed to be going through my Lewis Collins from the Professionals stage (note the Polo neck jumper). To be honest I think I might of had nits and she just cut it all off...............I can still remember going into a shop and being called a "little boy".













    3. Unfortunately things didn't really improve as I got a older, in fact by the look of this photo I had adopted quite a severe fringe and I don't just mean the one on the Poncho.
















    4. This photo was taken in Richmond Park in the height of summer ,I am quite sure my hair was so bad I had decided to wear my hood up. Either that or my Dad was so embarrassed to be seen with me he had Cello taped it to my head.















    5. I actually don't know what to say about this photo other than..............Did nobody have a brush or eyes!!!!










    6. First day at secondary school and we were back to the short back and sides..........As if my hair wasn't bad enough check out the colour of my uniform.


















    7. To be completely fair to my mum I wanted highlights and went on about them until she caved........Remember people, Spandeau Ballet and Wham were all the rage so that's my excuse for this one.
















    8. Its Perm time and I thought I looked fabulous....................Looking back I now resemble a giant Poodle wearing Pat Butcher Earrings.

















    Now do you see what I mean, it would of been excusable if Mum had been anything else but she wasn't was she?....................She was a fully qualified hairdresser.................Well, that's what she told everyone !!!!!

    What was your most embarrassing hair style ever, I would love to know.

    Love
    Me
    xxxx

    Wednesday, 22 July 2015

    Missing In Action

    You may of noticed I have been a little quiet of late...........Mr DG would see this as a bonus.............There has been a jolly good reason behind my absence.............................WE HAVE MOVED HOUSE.................Oh yes indeedy. And, being the super duper superstitious person I am there was no way I could tempt fate and write about it.

    But now.................................I can............................And boy can I tell you a few stories about the whole process of putting your home on the market, finding somewhere else and then the debacle of actually moving a whole 15 years of stuff to another place.

    They say that moving is one of the most stressful experiences you will ever go through and I whole heartedly agree..................Never, ever again. Having complete strangers marching through your home was quite frankly like being a chimp in a glass enclosure and I had some real corkers......................Here are my top 5 viewings.

    1. Mum, Dad, Kid 1 (high on orange crisps and blue sweets), Kid 2 ( clearly traumatised by the whole experience). Kid 1 decided to jump on all the beds whilst shouting that he could fart in time to his bounces, Kid 2 still crying and now climbing up Dads leg to sit on his shoulders, Mum oblivious to whole chaotic scene and was just interested in how much I would sell my curtains for.


    2. Man, Woman, Teenager.................Man decided to open all my wardrobes to see how much space there was, Woman decided that she would take this opportunity to comment on all my clothes and enquire where I purchased them all from. Teenager couldn't of cared less if they lived here or in a tent and was only slightly enamoured when he realised it had a garage round the corner for his "band".







    3. Older couple - Spent a whole hour walking round making all the right noises only to tell me as they left that they were actually looking for 4 bedrooms and needed space for 3 cars........Apparently they had lost the ability to read the particulars that the estate agent had lovingly prepared for them. They then proceeded to sit in their car for a further hour with a picnic hamper and a flask of tea.

    4. Single Man - Divorced..........And didn't I know it, think I should of charged him a Therapist rate as he sat for ages telling me what a cow she was and how much money she had got out of the divorce. I don't even think he looked at the house and welled up every time he saw something that reminded him or her.........."My Ex used to have a mirror like that"........."My ex loved that perfume"..........."My ex had that shampoo"........"My ex had a vagina".........OK, he didn't really say that last one but you get the drift.

    5. Young couple - Very nice at first but this quickly descended into them having a full blown argument about whether they could actually afford the house in the first place and how they was no way she was going to live with his mother. When he enquired why she felt like this she explained that his mother was in her delicate words a "BITCH"..............Once again my therapy skills came into play as I explained that we had lived with Mr DG's mum and that it was a Godsend to have the opportunity to save up some money so we could afford to buy our first place. This didn't seem to help and she stomped off leaving a very red face man not quite knowing what the heck was going on.



    I could go on but to be honest we had some right nutters looking round,and it would take up a whole post to tell you about them all, the trouble is you have to show them all. In amongst the riff raff there might be someone who is genuinely interested and wants to buy your beloved home.................................And, there was.

    A gorgeous young couple who are having their first baby this year, she fell in love with the house by the time she had made it through the porch and within 15 minutes it was obvious they were going to buy it.

    So, 8 weeks later they did and we moved our family, possessions and life 5 minutes up the other end of town to our dream home...................

    I am just getting used to the extra space and am trying to except that its not a holiday home and that it is in fact our forever home.

    Would I ever do it again....................Not unless I can be put into an induced state and woken up when its all over.

    Nice to be back

    Lots of Love
    Me xxx


    Tuesday, 26 May 2015

    Dear Amelia

    Dear Amelia

    Its 9am on Friday morning and I am standing watching you walk to school for the last time...........The last time ever...........(Well apart from going in for your exams but I will probably drive you in to calm your nerves). You look so tall and beautiful that my heart swells with pride until I just cannot watch you anymore, a single tear escapes from my eye and I get that familiar feeling of dread in my heart as I remember that this it is almost the end of an era......................The end of the life that we have known for the past 18 years.

    I can still remember your first day at school, just 4 years old with a bobbed haircut and 2 front teeth missing. You clung to me as if your life depended on it and I sobbed as I walked home after leaving you hanging from the teachers leg begging me not to go..............I thought my heart was going to break and almost ran back when it was time to pick you up at lunchtime. You jumped into my arms with such force I almost fell over....................."Phew" you said "Have I done school now"?.....................Oh dear oh dear.

    It took you a good 6 weeks to get used to it but once you did.............You loved it, even though you were the youngest in the class it didn't faze you and the teachers loved you to bits. You insisted on wearing tights every day and unbeknown to me decided that it would be a good idea to wear knickers over the top to stop them falling down.................Makes perfect sense now.

    You breezed through school both Primary and Secondary and decided very early on that you wanted to be a teacher when you grew up...............And now you have..................You have grown up.........Right before my eyes................In a blur................In a rush ......................And far too quickly.

    Now time suddenly seems more precious than ever, we don't have long until you leave for your next big adventure.................................Your biggest adventure ever....................................4 months to be precise..................................4 months until I am sure my heart will break again as I have to leave you again except this time at University.

    To say I will be proud will be an understatement but selfishly I will wish that you had decided to get a job right up the road and live at home forever..............................But, I will put on a brave face and smile just as I did on your first day at Primary school telling you that everything will be fine and that I will be back to pick you up soon.....................................I just hope you will pack plenty of knickers to wear over those tights.

    Love You To The Moon And Back
    Mum
    xxxxx




    I am linking up with the fabulous Loud 'n' Proud


    3 Children and It


    Tuesday, 12 May 2015

    Pink Knickers and Lemon Meringue Pie.

    Several things happened in quick succession today that have almost made me want to reach for the Gin bottle or at worst start smoking............

    1. Male Teen decided that this morning was a fantastic time to throw an epic strop of all proportions due to the fact I refused to give him a letter excusing him from P.E............."OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SO UNFAIR...........I'VE BEEN COUGHING ALL MORNING (he had actually coughed once due to eating his toast too quickly and said toast went down the wrong hole ) AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT (another exaggeration of the truth.........He got up twice for a wee because he had drunk so much Coke) I HATE MY LIFE......." And that was the end of that. "LOVE YOU" I shouted as he was about to leave........BANG went the door.

    2. Female Teen announced that she had a driving lesson at 9am, this is something I just cannot get used to...........................She is in charge of a car....................I fear that her attention will wander as she spots a pretty dress in the window of a shop. I said I wasn't going to watch her pull away but I lied and hid behind the Voile's until she had gone. The last time I saw her drive a car was an ELC Cosy Coupe and she wasn't very good at that to be fair.

    3. Decided to get a wash on early and grabbed a bunch of whites................What I didn't notice was a pair of bright and I mean bright pink knickers (not mine) amongst all the washing............I won't go into details but you can imagine what happened next. Am now soaking Mr DG's baby pink shirts in bleach and Vanish hoping to bring them back to life. Failing that I am going to lie and say a Golden Eagle swooped down and snatched them all from the line.........WHAT..........Come on........I'd believe that.

    4. Phoned Estate Agents to see if anything new had come on the market.........Did I mention we are moving???......Well, we are...............Sold ours but now can't find anything. Result.......Something new has appeared...............Had a drive over there to check it out before viewing ................................... .......................Bugger...................Backs onto a Grave Yard....................On the positive side at least the neighbours are dead quiet (sorry, couldn't resist). Tried to overlook the downside only to be told by The Female Teen that she would never come home for Uni if we moved there due to convincing herself that The Night Of The Walking Dead would happen if we did live there.

    5. Decided to get a head start on all the candle orders I have committed too...............Today was Lemon Meringue Pie. Everything was going well until I caught the tiny bottle of very potent fragrance oil and knocked it all over the side. Grabbed my pipette and sucked up as much as I could squeezing it back into the bottle..................Phew I thought..............Lucky escape..........................
    ..................WRONG................Oil has seeped into crack on work top and my kitchen now smells like a sodding Lemon grove........................Dog is still sneezing and my eyes are watering.

    6. Treated myself to a new bottle of rather expensive foundation only to discover the dippy sales assistant has given me the wrong shade and I almost resembled someone that has had one too many spray tans.............................................Remember that episode of Friends with Ross and the tanning booth.......................Well.......................That.

    7. In my anger at the previous point grabbed what I thought was the toothpaste (which I must add had been left next to the toothbrushes) and squeezed a hefty helping onto my toothbrush only to find out one I had shoved it in my mouth that it was in fact bloody hand cream ............................................................................................................BLURGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!.

    What a bloody morning, what a waste of good make up and what the hell has happened today.........................Are the Gods above playing a game with me today or is it just because I had such a nice weekend that someone thought it might be fun to heap a ton of bad luck on me.

    Either way I am not going to let it get me down......................I have sniffed the bottle of Gin and taken a few deep breaths...........................Oh Hang on.......................All I can taste is that bloody Lemon Meringue Pie oil in my throat..........Hopefully the hand cream will counteract it.

    Lots of Love
    Me
    xxxxxxxx


    Wednesday, 6 May 2015

    BritMums Live 2015

    Its almost time to pack my little suitcase, dust off my notebook and catch the train up to London to take part in the best social event ever.......And I mean ever.

    This will be my 3rd BritMums Live and I am looking forward to it so much that I am like a small kid at Xmas, I wasn't going to do a Meme this year but after seeing so many I decided I probably should...............But......................I also decided I would cheat a little bit and use last years photos as it was very popular and helped people to recognise me. So.............Here I am..........................................


    1. This is my "OH MY GOD ITS YOU, GET OVER HERE AND HUG ME" face. This is usually accompanied by a slight squealing noise that unfortunately escapes from my mouth at any given moment when I recognise your name.








    2. Next is my "I cant find my glasses and cant bloody read your name badge" look. You will notice many people staring at your boobs.......Not hard to miss in my case.









    3. At number 3 we have the "Did someone say there was cake over there" expression. There is lots of food to eat so my top tip is..............................Elasticated trousers or Super Glue as Lip Gloss







    .

    4. This is possibly how you may find me on Saturday morning after a few (cough cough) glasses of the fizzy stuff.










    5. Here we have my "Its all over and I don't want to go home" very sad face.....................Look at that face..........................Its like Puss In Boots.









    6. Assuming you still don't recognise me................................Here's my normal (I use these words loosely) face.










    Looking forward to seeing you all very soon...............................Not long now.........................Squeal !!!!!!

    xx
    P.S If you did see this last year than I am sorry but I would still like a hug.