tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20450056789829189112024-03-12T19:09:51.183-07:00The 40ish Year Old Domestic Goddess Blog PageA comical blog about my life.
If it makes you smile then my job is done xxxThe 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.comBlogger282125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-23319162923786886942017-03-27T04:44:00.000-07:002017-03-27T04:44:26.991-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-26089652176010676382016-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:002016-08-31T11:59:30.387-07:00Are You In A Uni Daze ?<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Mr7jj-BxQKs/V8b9bW-CwbI/AAAAAAAARnk/QvL_cS83HnM0xyeIJ-2Eh-x2fvtCC10hQCLcB/s1600/14194346_10210457407580567_42960679_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Mr7jj-BxQKs/V8b9bW-CwbI/AAAAAAAARnk/QvL_cS83HnM0xyeIJ-2Eh-x2fvtCC10hQCLcB/s200/14194346_10210457407580567_42960679_n.jpg" width="190" /></a>This time last year I was quite frankly a hot mess, this time last year I was wandering aimlessly amongst plastic boxes, books and suitcases. This time last year I was not only in denial but also in a stunned kind of state that only a Parent of a kid leaving home for the first time will understand.<br />
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This time last year my darling daughter aka The Teenager (known to those that have read my babbling blog for 6 years ) left home to embark on her Uni adventure. I didn't write too much after she left mainly due to the fact I lost my Mojo but as you all know I am back now with a new kind of vigour for my ramblings.<br />
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This time this year I am in a similar mess with plastic boxes, books and suitcases but something has now changed...........................I am not emotional or stressed, I am not stunned or sad. I am in fact excited for her. Year 2 is slightly different in that she is moving into her first house with her previous flatmates from Uni. Its all systems go here and this weekend she will be gone again, back to the beautiful town of Bath where she will have another year of laughing and making life long friends.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mpvVdHN5uAY/V8b9izK6ZuI/AAAAAAAARno/fcKURsrGfNUzeNgnj7dk8m7JEiefp8phwCLcB/s1600/14182146_10210457409620618_1477278195_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mpvVdHN5uAY/V8b9izK6ZuI/AAAAAAAARno/fcKURsrGfNUzeNgnj7dk8m7JEiefp8phwCLcB/s200/14182146_10210457409620618_1477278195_n.jpg" width="193" /></a>As I sit here drinking a cup of tea and watching her make lists for a shopping trip tomorrow it suddenly struck me that all over the country there are in fact Parents in exactly the same place that I was in last year. I remember the Uni list that came our for all Teens listing useful info about that first day................But what about the parents I recall saying, wheres our list ? Why doesn't anyone care about us ?<br />
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I'm afraid to say you don't get one as apparently we are "grown ups" and should know by now how to deal with any situation by now. So............Just for you.................I have made one.........................WARNING....................Does contain mild swearing..........Come one..........I'm allowed, it was bloody stressful.<br />
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It's here......................D Day............................Car is packed within an inch of its life and there barely enough room for you but...............MAKE ROOM...............The Teen might be acting all cool and calm trust me..........They need you there. Year 1 of Uni here we come.<br />
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<b><u>PARENTS SURVIVAL LIST</u></b></div>
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1. <b>DO NOT</b> suggest a nice breakfast/lunch on the way there unless you are travelling miles, this will be greeted with a patronising "<i>Yeah........Ermmmmmm........I think we should just get there and get it over with</i>" kind of look. You will think of different ways to delay the inevitable but try to resist the urge.<br />
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2. <b>DO NOT</b> try and give any and I mean any advice about sex, especially if your husband is driving and starts chipping in about boys and their raging hormones............................It was at this point he got the shut the F**k up look and we reverted back to staring out of the window commenting on the nice scenery.<br />
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3. <b>DO NOT</b> attempt to take any last minute selfies with the Teenager during your car journey, definitely <b>DO NOT</b> suggest this in a Motorway Service toilet. At best you can expect a "<i>No thanks</i>" at worst you may be told to "<i>sod off</i>" and left drying your hands whilst trying to get your camera to focus.<br />
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4. <b>DO NOT</b> suggest a set time for your Teen to phone you, once the immense eye rolling has finished they may well accidentally on purpose forget to call you at all leaving you in a constant state of anxiety and worrying they have been murdered on campus during their first Freshers event.<br />
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5. Talking of Freshers Week <b>DO NOT</b> try to relive your younger days in the car, especially if your husband starts it off with <i>"Listen to you Mum she's been there worn the T-Shirt tumble dried it and worn it again when it comes to getting pissed and boys".</i> I vaguely remember hearing the Teen trying to open the car door whilst we travelled at 60mph and fling herself out rather than think about her Mother being young.<br />
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6. <b>DO </b>give it your best Oscar winning performance at acting calm and cool........................If you are freaking out trust me they will too.<br />
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7. <b>DO </b>take tissues hidden in the glove box, and a small bottle of Gin which I found helped immensely.............................. Purely for medicinal purposes you understand.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-37gs5bbyyY0/V8b-eNlUNuI/AAAAAAAARn0/oSJwuTkSX5A0dwZlWwq4arBfGs2DK62zwCLcB/s1600/14171812_10210457410500640_331894070_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-37gs5bbyyY0/V8b-eNlUNuI/AAAAAAAARn0/oSJwuTkSX5A0dwZlWwq4arBfGs2DK62zwCLcB/s200/14171812_10210457410500640_331894070_n.jpg" width="192" /></a>8. <b>DO</b> smile at everyone on arrival, not in a crazy type of way but you don't want to be remembered as the miserable mother of that girl in block A. In fact I smiled so much that my cheeks and face hurt for 2 days......................It was either the smiling or the pressure at not bursting into tears..............Or maybe it was the Gin.<br />
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9.<b> DO NOT</b> suggest taking phone numbers of their newly made friends in case there's an emergency or even worse befriending them on Face Book.....................I am thrilled to announce I did not do this but did overhear someone else..........................It was at this moment I think I saw a glint of relief in my daughters eye, I might even of seen a look of "<i>My Mums so cool</i>".....................I said "might".<br />
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10. <b>DO</b> help carry everything to their new room/dorm and then suggest you LEAVE them to it. I unfortunately did not do this and insisted that we carried everything up to the 3rd floor and then help her get the room set up............................It was at this moment the previous look in my Daughters eye disappeared and I was once again classed as a total embarrassment.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dz_jbosMYCQ/V8b-NmWU2PI/AAAAAAAARnw/jdYmh-F-kJ4mFFmOv-k9G555uw5LrMnuACLcB/s1600/14194339_10210457410060629_138441151_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dz_jbosMYCQ/V8b-NmWU2PI/AAAAAAAARnw/jdYmh-F-kJ4mFFmOv-k9G555uw5LrMnuACLcB/s200/14194339_10210457410060629_138441151_n.jpg" width="193" /></a>11. Once you have said your goodbyes, hugged and promised to kill anyone who might upset, hurt or have sex with your Teen <b>DO NOT</b> wave furiously out of the car window until they are no longer in sight. The result of this is an unfortunate case of 'Follow My Leader" in which you will start every Mother leaving their child for the first time in a uniformed crying festival which can only be described as a bloody mess. This is also a great moment for a quick sip of Gin.............Dark Sunglasses also help.<br />
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12. If needed <b>DO</b> get your Husband to pull over at earliest opportunity so you can get it all out and have a big blub. If you're really lucky he might even take pity on you and suggest a nice shopping trip to cheer you up. Take full advantage of this offer........................After all you did most of the packing.<br />
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13. <b>DO NOT</b> put the radio on once you are homeward bound..........................I promise you that every song you hear will have something about "Leaving" or "Moving On" in it. I am now wondering if the radio stations do it on purpose after looking at all the starting dates online.<br />
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14. Once you have arrived home <b>DO NOT</b> go into their bedroom and definitely <b>DO NOT</b> sit wrapped in their old smelly T-Shirt (which they have bloody left and now you will have to take it to them at the earliest convenient time as they surely can't live without it)..............Calm down, they can live without it.<br />
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15. Instead <b>DO </b>shut their door and leave everything for at least a week at which point you will enter the room and suddenly think what a great office space their desk will make. Or a spare bed for when your Husband snores so loudly you could happily kill him.<br />
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16<b>. AND FINALLY.</b>..................<b>DO NOT</b> burst into tears when you hear their voice for the first time, instead be as happy and relaxed as you can. Its a bit like being on an aeroplane and watching the air hostesses......................As long as they are calm then everything is fine. It's a bit like that for the Teens too, as long as Mum sounds OK and still in control they will be fine and can conquer the world.<br />
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So Parents of the world, that's all I have to offer on the journey you are about to embark on, please memorise this list if you wish to keep an ounce of dignity.<br />
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A year ago I heard horror stories galore about how awful it all was and how you are never the same once they have gone. I listened to people who told me that you cry every time they come back and then go again.........................You will encounter these tales but rest assured from one who knows............................It wasn't one of my happiest days saying goodbye but I promise you it does become the new norm extremely quickly.<br />
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I love it when she is home and I do feel a pang of sadness as I wave her off each time but I know I've done a great job because she is <u>happy</u>, <u>secure</u> and most of all <u>capable</u>.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LzKIemror3o/V8b-sqCymcI/AAAAAAAARn4/fx7azsUVTzA8AWD_2R7Lz5zBgITKGX05wCLcB/s1600/14194204_10210457409580617_1286806927_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LzKIemror3o/V8b-sqCymcI/AAAAAAAARn4/fx7azsUVTzA8AWD_2R7Lz5zBgITKGX05wCLcB/s200/14194204_10210457409580617_1286806927_n.jpg" title="http://www.weeworld.com" width="193" /></a>Good Luck to anyone who is heading off in the next few weeks and most of all huge hugs to all the Parents who are beginning a new kind of chapter in their lives.....................And if all else fails just remember that potential shopping trip and your new office space.<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me<br />
xxx<br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-69672151738003334762016-07-24T13:02:00.001-07:002016-07-24T13:03:46.921-07:00Been There Done That.............Summer HellIts here........................................Todays the day.........................The first day of that thing called THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GaPkDe7OdXU/T3ROX6x_X4I/AAAAAAAAAN0/ORW1Zwm78I8zbNqj_aaEgnIevW87yTDlgCKgB/s1600/thumbnail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GaPkDe7OdXU/T3ROX6x_X4I/AAAAAAAAAN0/ORW1Zwm78I8zbNqj_aaEgnIevW87yTDlgCKgB/s200/thumbnail.jpg" width="178" /></a>I can hear the cries of despair all over the country as thousands of Mums/Dads and Carers of the small humans let out that first day sigh and say to themselves "<b>W</b><i><b>hat the hell am I going to do with them for 6 weeks</b></i>"....................................................I've been there, but those of us who have the grown up variety of small humans might look slightly smug (I must admit I do), we are those Mums who have stood in line at a variety of crap days out, those bloody get togethers where we would rather be anywhere else than sitting on a scratchy blanket fighting wasps, listening to how advanced "Little Johnny" is whilst watching our little ones kick a ball around the park and just wishing we were drinking Gin instead of warm Orange Squash.<br />
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I've done the whole baking before 6am and building indoor tents when its pissing down outside only to find that after creating a 5 * house out of chairs and sheets they are playing with a box that the new hoover came in.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nlUFYnKrW4c/V5UcpJ0YyuI/AAAAAAAARlw/1gmTZ_m1masaScDLnKdvfxPvUKT1V82uwCEw/s1600/bbbbbb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nlUFYnKrW4c/V5UcpJ0YyuI/AAAAAAAARlw/1gmTZ_m1masaScDLnKdvfxPvUKT1V82uwCEw/s200/bbbbbb.jpg" width="200" /></a>We've been to petting farms, mazes, the beach, the park, story time at the Library and the worst of all things related with the Summer Holidays................ swimming at the local pool......................Squeezing myself into an unflattering costume whilst trying to get a 5 year old and a 2 year old ready in the communal changing areas were amongst my worst nightmares. Only closely followed by the smell of poo as my 2 year old crapped in his swim nappy just as we walked onto pool side...................And all this was witnessed by what I love to call "<b>The Perfect Mummys</b>", you know the ones I mean. Those fabulous creatures who looked like they had stepped out of a magazine with their sodding perfect children and their handsome husbands who has taken the whole of summer off just because he can....................I've swam side by side with these ladies only to cringe when my kid announces that she might of just accidentally done a wee in the pool only to feel the warmth of the proclaimed wee sweeping over me and seeing the look of horror on Perfect Mummys face as she too feels it.</div>
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I remember having to smile nicely as my kids introduced me to "Bunty" or "Tarquin" who they had literally just met but were now their "Best Friend" apparently..................."<b><i>Can she come for tea Mummy......Or a sleepover...........Or live with us forever" </i></b>............................................................<br />
<b>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OF COURSE SHE BLOODY CANT YOU HAVE ONLY JUST MET HER.</b></div>
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Why, why, why I used to ask myself......................................................................................</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B6Gl_l4apDQ/V5Udtsxg3sI/AAAAAAAARl8/i8lPg6RNwco-G0DS-qxH4_gkQ9Jpdja_wCEw/s1600/apcjpjqapodj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B6Gl_l4apDQ/V5Udtsxg3sI/AAAAAAAARl8/i8lPg6RNwco-G0DS-qxH4_gkQ9Jpdja_wCEw/s1600/apcjpjqapodj.jpg" /></a>At the time I thought I was the best mum ever and actually doing something every single day was something to be applauded and commended but do you know what........................There is nothing wrong with your kids be bored, nothing at all, in fact I truly think being bored is what evokes an imagination in children. </div>
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My 2 humans are 19 and 15 now and to be honest I'm lucky if they are up before 1pm these days but I love the fact that they did have days where we didn't do anything except watch movies in our PJ's and eat crap all day. There is nothing wrong with opening the back door and telling them to just go and play.......................One of the best activities I ever did was to give them a pack of chalk and let them draw to their hearts content on our patio, even better was the paintbrushes and tub of water afterwards to wash it all off...........................They spent all day quite happily and I had hardly spent anything.</div>
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Don't get sucked in to the whole "<b>Perfect Mummy</b>" cult and remember as long as they are safe, fed, watered and happy they really don't need anything else. </div>
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Have a great Summer.........................................I'm certainly going to in a non smug way...........................Honest.</div>
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Lots of Love</div>
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Me</div>
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-79327858806754458082016-07-04T04:51:00.001-07:002016-07-04T10:45:23.518-07:00I Only Wanted To Be A Jedi.........It's not often I write about H (Male Teen) mainly due to the fact he hates the thought of all his personal life being out there for all to see. However, on this occasion I am saying "Balls" to that and have decided to dedicate this piece to him.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YKRSAuNLB1Y/V3pNUYNQkxI/AAAAAAAARlI/-sTtW-aRoNgMiFmZvIXIAau6uUXDW0I1wCLcB/s1600/work.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YKRSAuNLB1Y/V3pNUYNQkxI/AAAAAAAARlI/-sTtW-aRoNgMiFmZvIXIAau6uUXDW0I1wCLcB/s1600/work.jpg" /></a>I assume that many of you out there have been pulling your hair out at the whole "work experience" malarkey that is suddenly sprung on us during Year 10. It starts with a nice friendly letter about the positive effects it has on a growing child and how important it is to their general well being and confidence............................I must point out at this moment that it had the opposite effect on M (female teen) when she did it 4 years ago, rather than making her want to be a teacher it turned her completely off it unfortunately.............................Anyway, back to H............................Finding him somewhere to do his work experience proved rather more tricky than I had ever thought. Most parents had already got their kids names down at various local businesses ( I hate these parents, mainly because I didn't think of it first) so this proved tricky in a community that is outnumbered by kids.<br />
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Once we had sat down and discussed what he would like to do it became apparent to me very quickly that he had no bloody clue...................<b>Professional Sleeper</b> came to mind or <b>Maker of Extreme Messes</b> was another option.<br />
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It was at this moment I almost panicked.............................All of his mates were heading off to Police stations, schools or airports and here he was with nothing, not a thing.<br />
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I was a failure.....................A great big let down.<i> "Let him find something on his own"</i> one friend said, as if that was going to happen, he can't find a pair of socks in the morning let alone a bloody job.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yAn5y0IRb0A/V3pNZiFb_VI/AAAAAAAARlM/Y6eRfo11RUcpd3W3aETfRgOxxpbcu9gVQCLcB/s1600/sleep.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yAn5y0IRb0A/V3pNZiFb_VI/AAAAAAAARlM/Y6eRfo11RUcpd3W3aETfRgOxxpbcu9gVQCLcB/s200/sleep.png" width="200" /></a>Then as if by the Power of Greyskull Mr DG stepped in........................<i>"He can come to work with me if he likes, I bet the IT department would love to have him".</i> Well, to say I was relieved was an understatement. Unfortunately H wasn't so impressed "<i>WHAT........................I'M NOT GOING TO WORK WITH DAD. HE LEAVES AT LIKE 6am AND ISNT HOME UNTIL 7PM. WHEN AM I GOING TO GET ANY FREE TIME"</i>.............................Bless him, he really has no clue that one day this will be his life. Getting up and going off to work before 3pm with no chance of a nap mid morning.<br />
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Unfortunately for him he had no choice and reluctantly agreed that this was going to have to be the way forward. Mr DG did everything possible to engage him in all the things the IT department had planned for him but he was about as unresponsive as a Custard Cream. Confidence has never been his strong point and he differs so much from his big sister who fills the room with her personality and positivity. He is a quiet, gentle but very funny (once he knows you) kind of kid and I worry all the time that opportunities will just pass him by.<br />
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His big first day arrived and off he went with his head hung low, Mr DG sent me a photo of him fast asleep in the car on the way there and my heart filled with sorrow at what we were making him do. The clock ticked, my heart pounded and I sat feeling guilty that I hadn't just let him have the week off..............................Then, the phone rang...................................."<i>Hi Mum, it's me</i>.........................."<br />
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Not only was he chatty but he was full of stories about his first morning and how munch he had loved it. The IT guys had been hilarious and had made him feel so welcome taking him around the huge building to all the different departments and even to the "Nerve centre" of the building which was in his words "<i>epic</i>" and "<i>sick</i>" (I think that means its good). Mr DG had offered to take him out for lunch but he had wanted to take his sandwich back to his little desk as he had "data" to analyse.<br />
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I could barely believe my ears, how had this happened ?<br />
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The week flew past and he loved every minute of it, he was up and dressed by 6am every morning and once home sat for ages telling me all about what he had done and who had said what................................I am sure he has grown about a foot and I think that's just with confidence, he looks different in a weird kind of "I've been out to work for a week" way.<br />
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The guys at work all came back with glowing reports of this funny young man who was not only polite but bright as a button and did everything they asked of him and more. We couldn't of been prouder and I had to admit that I was wrong in my dismissal of work experience for 15 year old teenagers.<br />
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He's gone back to school today and actually said he wished he was going to work instead but has now realised that he's got to work super hard so that he can get good grades and get a good job in the future. He has big ideas of owning a home with a swimming pool and a cinema room (nothing wrong with dreaming big I say).<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-h1XJce9N82o/V3pNePN8zSI/AAAAAAAARlQ/aN7EHxH9W-Y3Py4-X5Uc8J5C77kAN60aACLcB/s1600/jedi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-h1XJce9N82o/V3pNePN8zSI/AAAAAAAARlQ/aN7EHxH9W-Y3Py4-X5Uc8J5C77kAN60aACLcB/s200/jedi.jpg" width="200" /></a>Just before he left he turned to me and said "<i>Its serious stuff all this growing up isn't it.............Remember when I just wanted to be a Jedi</i>"...................................A tiny part of me died inside when he said this, I do remember it like it was yesterday and now as I watch him walk off with his usual hand in one pocket I am filled with love and pride for this gorgeous young man that we have raised.<br />
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We Love You H<br />
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xxxxxxxxx<br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-57923823075789614422016-06-27T11:44:00.001-07:002016-06-27T11:44:48.653-07:00Pavement SnoggingHave you ever felt so stupid you wanted the pavement to swallow you up ?..................................This literally and I mean literally happened to me last Thursday.<br />
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Picture the scene....................We had just been out for a nice meal out to celebrate M getting a 1st in her first year at Uni and H successfully completing his mock GCSE's without any major meltdowns (apart from the one morning where he declared "<i>school is shi</i>t" and stropped off almost as if to the sound track from Star Wars when Darth Vader walks in.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADem-PHB2bA/V3Fy8a77wOI/AAAAAAAARkk/ceHYbAgx1IguqQxf3Njlz0pORU7NfOEHACLcB/s1600/13563374_10209858151199532_1809985628_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADem-PHB2bA/V3Fy8a77wOI/AAAAAAAARkk/ceHYbAgx1IguqQxf3Njlz0pORU7NfOEHACLcB/s200/13563374_10209858151199532_1809985628_n.jpg" width="188" /></a>We had had a wonderful evening and as usual eaten far too much..........................Why do I always do that, why do I know full well that having that Ginger and Treacle Tart is just a step too far but still I inhale it. Why once I've had to undo the last buckle on my belt do I insist on just trying the Sticky Toffee Pudding and Chocolate Brownie from everyone else plate.............................By everyone else, I do mean my family not just random people in the restaurant.........................That would just be bloody rude. Can you imagine just wandering round with a fork saying "<i>sorry but would you mind if I just sampled a bit of your dessert</i>".........<br />
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Anyway, I digress...............................We had paid the bill and went outside to the car. We had bought the car due to the extreme Monsoon style rain that had engulfed us earlier but now it was warm and sunny and quite frankly I'm not sure I would of fitted in the passenger seat. <i>"Lets walk</i>" I said to M, "t<i>he boys can drive and we'll stroll home". </i>I had suggested this in the hope that the 3 minute walk home might move the food that was now slowly sliding its way down my chest into my tummy much quicker. "<i>Good idea Mum</i>" she happily replied................................I felt complete, my family were all back together in one place and finally I could get a good nights sleep.<br />
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It was at this point it all sort of went horribly wrong....................Mr DG and H decided that it would be hilarious (in their eyes only) if they tried to race us home. This in itself was the most ridiculous idea ever............................Not only am I fat and not very quick on my feet but I was full to the chin with food and wine.<br />
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Unbeknown to me they had hidden just around the corner from our house, as we wandered like 2 peas in a pod the sudden rev of a car engine startled us so much I'm not actually convinced a small amount of wee didn't come out...........................M screamed and turned to run laughing as she filmed him coming round the corner.........................I did a sort of Scooby Doo style running on the spot manoeuvre only to suddenly feel my ankle kind of "pop" and then as if in slow motion...............................I started to fall.............................And roll.............................And fall a bit more. Imagine Bodie and Doyle on The Professionals.......................Well, it was nothing like that but you get the drift.<br />
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I don't really remember much else as I momentarily fainted due to the pain, I do remember Mr DG scooping me up (this is a challenge in itself) and plonking me into the back of the car. Once inside The Northern Mother who had been dog sitting took control and shouted at H who was by this point fanning me with the latest WI magazine. M just kept saying "<i>Oh my God, she went with such a bang,</i> l<i>ook look I got it on film</i>" and Mr DG attempted to wrap a bag of Peas around my rapidly swollen foot.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OqSDB8LDH8I/V3FzGdf5MMI/AAAAAAAARks/--Zd6f4u1ooz7Ep12WD7MaLXlgTdIqXQACLcB/s1600/13530234_10209858151079529_1770001944_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OqSDB8LDH8I/V3FzGdf5MMI/AAAAAAAARks/--Zd6f4u1ooz7Ep12WD7MaLXlgTdIqXQACLcB/s200/13530234_10209858151079529_1770001944_n.jpg" width="183" /></a>On close inspection not only had I cut all my arms but my new blouse was ripped to shreds........................On the plus side, my large handbag that everyone takes the mickey out of had cushioned my fall and my new watch had survived the impact.<br />
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To cut a very long story short , I am now on crutches awaiting the swelling to go down so that I can have an Xray to see if its broken.......................The crutches are a total sodding nuisance and I have tripped over them several times, not whilst using them but whilst they are propped up against the stairs.<br />
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I don't do well with sitting still and quite frankly I have no bloody time for this "elevate your foot" malarkey..........................My date with the pavement was not an enjoyable one and I don't intend to follow it up or call him or text or MMS or even Facebook.<br />
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The only thing that made the whole experience worth while was the fact that I have caught up on Love Island and watched several episodes of The Great British Sewing Bee............................ Apart from that its been utterly boring.<br />
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Anyway folks....................Keep your fingers crossed for me that its not broken or I might have to revert to Jeremy Kyle and we really don't want that now do we......................<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me<br />
xxxxx<br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-58613812817127893222016-06-19T08:56:00.000-07:002016-06-19T08:58:49.292-07:0010 Question Challenge..........<div style="border: 0px; color: #373737; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1.625em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was recently sent a questionnaire from a friend.......Oh God I thought, another load of questions about nothing. I will admit I was wrong. They really made me think................In fact they made me think so much I thought I would share them with you. </span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">1. When were you last really scared ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's an easy one............It was the other night whilst Mr DG was away and I had very stupidly watched an episode of Luther. Suddenly whilst half asleep I heard a bang outside, I sat bolt upright in bed and looked around for someone more adultier (I'm not sure that's a word and spell check doesn't like it) than me......................Realising very quickly that I was the most grown up one in the house I woke the Teen up and made him come downstairs with me.....................No idea what it was..............................We decided not to open the back door.</span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. When you were growing up what was your dream job ?</span></i></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My dream job as a child changed on a regular basis and ranged from wanting to be a Nun to a Dolphin Trainer. I once told a guy in a nightclub I was CID..............He didn't hang around for long.</span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">3. If you could wake up in somebody else body tomorrow who would it be ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Definitely Victoria Beckham...........Only so I could eat what ever I wanted all day (that woman needs a good meal)........Give David a kiss and ring the press so I could give them some shots of me smiling.</span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">4. Your favourite piece of music ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My favourite piece has to be Debussy Clair De Lune due to having my daughter to it, unfortunately my son was born to the Damien Omen music.....................Seriously, it really was.</span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Fondest childhood memory ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's easy, running from pretend giants with my beloved Dangrad (Granddad) and hiding behind some enormous Oak tress laughing until our sides hurt. I remember trying to recreate it once with my kids who looked at me as if I had lost the plot...................Maybe at 15 and 18 they were a bit old but the dog loved it.</span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">6. If you could be any age for a week what would it be ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I think I would like to be 17 again, just so I could make something of myself rather than wasting it on partying. </span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">7. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Oh crap..... I haven't tumble dried the Teens PE kit............." How sad is that. </span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">8. If you could have one superpower what would it be ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I would like the ability to time travel.............................But.................I would like to be able to change it without the massive consequences Dr Who talks about. </span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">9. Best compliment ever received ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The best compliment I have ever received was a few weeks ago after the sad death of Victoria Wood. A good friend replied to a comment I had made on FB saying that second to her I was the funniest person she knew and my stories always made her think of Victoria. RIP Vic you were my hero xxx</span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">10. Favourite word ?</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">OK.........Sorry Mum...................I'm afraid my favourite word ever is "Vagina" followed closely by "Bollocks"...................God, I can almost hear the click as people log off in disgust. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now its your turn..............Choose one of the above questions and give an honest answer in the comment box.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sorry about the use of the word Vagina............Oh no I said it again...............Bollocks!!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #373737; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 24px;">Me</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #373737; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 24px;">xxx</span></span></div>
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-32412545081186503462016-06-17T09:59:00.000-07:002016-06-17T10:01:28.267-07:00Guess What ?..................I'm Back.Its been 174 days since my last blog, 24 weeks and 6 days since I last sat here and looked at this screen.............I think I might of been a little hasty when I retired. At the time I needed a break, at the time I was bored, frustrated and slightly pissed off at feeling redundant from the blogging world. But........................And it's a big but............................I have missed it, missed it much more than I ever thought I would. People have asked me why............Why did I just stop?. There is no simple answer it was just how I felt at the time.<br />
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The last time I wrote anything was before Christmas and we had gone through a huge amount of change. Moving house, health issues and the biggest trauma.........The Female Teen (M) leaving home for Uni.<br />
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6 months on...................Guess what?...................I'M BACK. I have made a deal with myself that this time I will not put pressure on myself to blog every 10 minutes about general crap, I will not get stressed out when I don't get many comments and I will certainly not sell my soul to companies hoping to cash in on the fact I regularly say the word "Vagina" and "Weak Pelvic Floor".<br />
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This feels so alien to me now...............I almost feel a fraud writing again. Here goes.........................Be patient with me.<br />
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One of the biggest things to happen to me this year was becoming a "different" kind of parent. It took me many months to adjust to my eldest leaving home and if I'm completely honest I became a total bloody nightmare. Freshers week was the worst and I suddenly realised why she had decided to go 3 hours away...............................The times I thought about just going down there and hiding in various hedges to spy on her was overwhelming. The visions of her being attacked, kidnapped and robbed became regular dreams and I began to sit up and wait until I knew she was home before getting any sleep. She would text me without fail just to say she was home but even then it would take me another hour to get back to sleep..........................Running on 2 hours sleep a night did me no favours and I had to give myself a serious talking too..................................The black circles under my eyes resembled a Panda and my bags were so big they look more like trolleys.<br />
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Every time she came back I cried and every time she went back I cried again...............................Who was this person I had become, who was this gigantic mess staring back at me in the mirror. I had lost my sparkle and even worse than that I had lost my "funny".<br />
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Then, as if by some form of magic...........................It stopped..................................I stopped crying, pinning and waiting and I realised that she was fine. In fact she was more than fine she was bloody great, she had the most fabulous housemates who all looked after her as she was the youngest and regularly waved hello to me in the background of a Face Time chat. Admittedly I was almost caught naked once as I hadn't realised I had clicked "video" and she was in the kitchen surrounded by her housemates......................................I have never moved so quickly in my life.<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OsU8uktJbdc/V2QroTS72OI/AAAAAAAARhw/NsXhsHq__aM7Mzr22Q0FeZ7pX1fImOOqgCLcB/s1600/shock-clipart-eps-images-6053-clip-art-vector-illustrations--231969.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="http://www.clipartfinders.com/shock-clipart-eps-images-6053-clip-art-vector-illustrations-clipart-231969.html" border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OsU8uktJbdc/V2QroTS72OI/AAAAAAAARhw/NsXhsHq__aM7Mzr22Q0FeZ7pX1fImOOqgCLcB/s1600/shock-clipart-eps-images-6053-clip-art-vector-illustrations--231969.jpg" title="" /></a><br />
We have been down to Bath a few times and she even surprised me by turning up on the doorstep one Monday morning after getting 3 trains and a bus................................After the initial excitement and much screaming I then went into panic mode that she hadn't told me and what if something had happened.......................<i>"Calm down Mum"</i> she said <i>"I let people know I was coming home in case I hadn't arrived by 5pm"</i>...............................You see, she really is fine.<br />
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The Boy Teen (H),who is now 6ft tall and talks like Prince William.........I kid you not has renewed his love for her and can't wait to see her every time she's home. They sit and chat for hours and hours about things I have no clue about and then laugh hysterically as I try to include myself in their conversation.<br />
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As June ends and July approaches I am so excited to have M home for 3 months.......Bloody Nora...........................3 months..............................Its going to be very strange having another female in the house again after all this time. I have got quite used to being the only one having PMT and mood swings and I'm not sure I am ready to share. I am accustomed to only clearing up after one kid and not two and most of all I don't want to share my make-up and beauty products............................What have I turned into.?..........................Am I suddenly the worst parent ever?.............................Nope....................I'm just a different kind of parent whose grown up along with my daughter.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BGJcB3lcuD4/V2QsJwPW3BI/AAAAAAAARh8/kMdsu8NYC9AzkjKld4JM0obDUBojg197ACLcB/s1600/washing-machine-reviews-washer-amp-dryers-best-machines-287955.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="http://www.clipartfinders.com/washing-machine-reviews-washer-&-dryers-best-machines-clipart-287955.html" border="0" height="188" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BGJcB3lcuD4/V2QsJwPW3BI/AAAAAAAARh8/kMdsu8NYC9AzkjKld4JM0obDUBojg197ACLcB/s200/washing-machine-reviews-washer-amp-dryers-best-machines-287955.jpg" title="" width="200" /></a>H is already talking about going to Uni in the future so I guess I'm going to have to go through it all again one day. At least next time I know I will survive and I will cope better than I expected.............................And lets be honest, if he goes to Uni the only thing I will have to worry about is him actually getting up for lectures and washing his clothes...............Ha ha ha ha washing his clothes..............Now that is funny.<br />
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YES...........I DID IT..........I BLOGGED.........I'M BACK!!!!!<br />
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Lots of love<br />
Me xxxx<br />
<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-75158743939984397622016-04-06T10:01:00.001-07:002016-04-06T10:01:07.909-07:00Thankyou xxxxI have placed my blog into Semi Retirement due to the fact my kids are now totally embarrassed about my mutterings and musings. This is not to say I will not one day pick it up from where I left it but for now I am going to take a well earned break.<br />
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Please feel free to browse back through any of the posts on here and I will be re-publishing some of them along the way.<br />
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Thank you to all of my wonderful readers and fellow bloggers of whom I have now made some lifelong friends.<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me<br />
xxxx<br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-88280889322599035502015-12-08T05:43:00.000-08:002015-12-08T13:46:54.596-08:00Is This Your Traffic Cone<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q6OgRwJKfHQ/T4WTKZ1OhgI/AAAAAAAAAWI/GbvnpzJtMR8/s1600/thumbnailCAO451P6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q6OgRwJKfHQ/T4WTKZ1OhgI/AAAAAAAAAWI/GbvnpzJtMR8/s200/thumbnailCAO451P6.jpg" width="198"></a>I'm not going to lie to you but if there is one thing I am very good at its drinking wine.............My palate has changed over the years from Southern Comfort and Lemonade to Gin and Tonic to Prosecco and now suddenly I'm loving a nice cold Chardonnay..............I suddenly feel very grown up drinking wine and even found myself in a wine wholesale shop buying in bulk for Xmas last week.<br>
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If I'm being totally honest I haven't got a bloody clue about the whole "bouquet" thing and all I can smell is............Well..........Wine. I would imagine there are many wine buffs passing out all over the world at that statement.<br>
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The only thing I'm not a fan of is getting drunk, don't get me wrong I love feeling a little but tipsy but after watching many people over the years getting blind drunk its just not something that floats my boat...........Watching someone who's pissed as a newt can be hilarious but can also be totally embarrassing.<br>
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Here's my Top 10 tips to being a nice drunk:-<br>
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1. You suddenly remember a skill you can do from your youth - Lets face it, you might of been able to do a head spin when you were 10 but now you have boobs and gravity just doesn't allow this move anymore,<br>
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2. You think you are good at singing - YOU ARE NOT...........I REPEAT..........YOU ARE NOT.<br>
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3. Sharing you innermost feelings - Once you have said it its out there, I do not particularly want to know about how much you fantasise about Martin in accounts and neither does his wife who is at the next table.<br>
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4. Carry home a traffic cone - In what situation would you possibly need a traffic cone, and please please do not give it to me as a hat.............<br>
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5. Think you are whispering - You are not.........In fact you are being louder than if you were using the traffic cone to shout through.<br>
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6. Pole Dancing - When I say "Pole Dancing" the clue is in the name........Its supposed to be with a pole not a parking meter or lamppost.<br>
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7. Feeling the need to eat a Kebab - I can't really say anything about this other than........YUCK.<br>
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8. Invading personal space - In what setting would you normally talk to a complete stranger with your nose pressed up against theirs.<br>
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9. Making Plans - This never really happens when you can't actually remember organising to meet everyone the next day.<br>
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10. Go on a trampoline - This never ends well and usually results in the entire contents of your stomach reappearing..........Maybe that Traffic cone might be useful after all.<br>
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With Christmas fast approaching remember these top tips to avoid the dreaded phone call from your best mate the next morning saying "You wont believe what you did last night".<br>
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Lots of love<br>
Me<br>
xxxxx<br>
<br>The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-47252229667353430982015-11-25T07:34:00.003-08:002015-11-25T07:34:55.346-08:006 Months Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realise that your life needs more fun.........Not just a bit of fun but a whole lot of belly laughing, snorting, maybe even dribbling whilst laughing FUN.<br />
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Everyone that knows me will understand when I say that there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on around here for 6 months. Laughter has been replaced by STRESS..........Smiling has been replaced by a lot of frowning and any chance of normality has vanished.</div>
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Curious to why ?...........Let me fill you in.</div>
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2nd June - Sold the house we have lived in for 15 years to move to something with more space, the whole showing people around thing was probably the most mind numbingly boring thing ever...........See this post.....<b><i><a href="http://40yearolddomesticgoddess.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/missing-in-action.html">Missing In Action</a>. </i></b></div>
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12th June - Found the house of our dreams by pure chance thanks to my Mum playing bowls one day with an elderly gentleman who mentioned that his house sale had fallen through that morning........Within 2 hours I had been round, had 2 cups of tea, mentally pictured where the furniture was going, had 2 more cups of tea, adopted elderly couple as surrogate Grandparents, phoned Mr DG who promptly arrived and.............Drum roll please...........<b>Bought a house.</b></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lvYckVVZZwU/VlWkDWHLrrI/AAAAAAAAReM/m6YIRn9Qfpw/s1600/11694014_10207226625173026_7512906468786294233_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lvYckVVZZwU/VlWkDWHLrrI/AAAAAAAAReM/m6YIRn9Qfpw/s200/11694014_10207226625173026_7512906468786294233_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>15th July - Moving day was...........Well...........It was not what I would call enjoyable mainly due to the night before having to have an emergency Root Canal done and then having the worst upset tummy all the next day which when you have 1 toilet and 6 men in your house moving boxes was not fun. I filled myself up with Imodium which then resulted in not pooing for 4 days. </div>
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15th July - We were all moved in.......YES.........</div>
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2nd August - We had hardly had time to unpack everything before it was time to pack again and head off to Devon for 2 weeks. We reluctantly drove away from our new house in the pouring rain only to arrive in the pouring rain at the other end and then proceeded to have 2 weeks of.......YEP......You guessed it.......POURING RAIN.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jMyhFOQeuuE/VlWkV6A4l3I/AAAAAAAAReU/MPpNgg_Tdk8/s1600/11953194_10207615013242485_8652111810348210355_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jMyhFOQeuuE/VlWkV6A4l3I/AAAAAAAAReU/MPpNgg_Tdk8/s200/11953194_10207615013242485_8652111810348210355_n.jpg" width="150" /></a>30th August - Female Teen turned 18 which then entailed her sudden need to go to pubs and clubs. To be honest I felt for her as she is the youngest by far in her little group so up until this moment she had been stuck at home whilst everyone else went out. The only problem with this going out malarkey was that we had to stay up until 3am...........To say we were knackered was an understatement. Having a bloody baby was easier. A'Level results were in too.........Holy Crap.......She's going to Uni.<br />
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September - The dreaded month had arrived and it was time to drag myself out of the pit of denial I had been in and face facts that Female Teen was going to Uni.................After much packing and lots of saying goodbye to everyone the day had arrived. I am not going to dwell too much on the whole dropping her off experience because even now it is just too bloody emotional to write about...........What I will say is that she settled in within minutes, her little room was gorgeous, her new friends were delightful and I managed not to cry until we had left the campus only to sob so much Mr DG had to pull the car over to calm me down. I cried on and off all weekend but every time I spoke to her I was reassured that little bit more.</div>
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October - October passed in a blur with me mainly try to readjust to a new normal of just having 1 child at home.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZIAT7e-WNDY/VlXUonIkY5I/AAAAAAAARes/wVLVPi1tvgQ/s1600/family.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZIAT7e-WNDY/VlXUonIkY5I/AAAAAAAARes/wVLVPi1tvgQ/s200/family.png" width="200" /></a>November - A whirlwind visit to Bath to see the Female Teen which was fantastic. Finally felt like we were a complete family again even if it was for just 4 hours. She is still having a blast and loving the experience. Male Teen has now decided he wants to go there too...................I'm back in my pit of denial again.</div>
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So, there we go......................I can hardly believe where the time has gone and the Female Teen has almost done her first term. I am still feeling rather redundant and not quite sure what to do next, we still lay wide awake when we know she is out and I have become quite proficient and Face Book stalking............Just so I can get some sleep.</div>
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I was thinking that this might be my last blog post as I just haven't felt like writing at all lately but after getting it all down I am now thinking that might be a mistake. It really is like a kind of therapy isn't it.................Except its a lot cheaper.</div>
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Lots of Love</div>
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-83480120731627561952015-11-10T04:03:00.002-08:002015-11-25T03:01:43.851-08:0010 Things You Never Say To A Woman On Her Period<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wt1k4gJA0o0/VNEDNr7_veI/AAAAAAAAQHI/WV8xHjxmBoM/s1600/FullSizeRender-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wt1k4gJA0o0/VNEDNr7_veI/AAAAAAAAQHI/WV8xHjxmBoM/s200/FullSizeRender-4.jpg" width="192" /></a>It's here again.................Once a month the monster inside of me rears its ugly head and basically goes on some type of emotional rampage through my body. There is nothing I can do about it and have literally tried everything out there, so..........I just kind of accept it and try hard not to get myself into too much trouble along the way. So far I have never need Bail money or a good lawyer so I think I'm doing Ok.<br />
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My biggest problem is not how to handle it............It's how not to snap when somebody says something really stupid to you. What I really need is a Government Health Warning sticker on my chest so that people are slightly more sensitive.<br />
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Here are 10 things never to say to me or any other poor sod who is having their period.<br />
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<i><b>1. "Well.........That explains your mood for the past 10 days"</b></i><br />
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<i><b>2. "Haven't you just had one"?</b></i><br />
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<i><b>3. "Look the bright side..........At least your not pregnant"</b></i><br />
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<i><b>4. "How funny do your feet look when they go all puffy like that "</b></i><br />
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<i><b>5. "Another slice of cake..........REALLY"?</b></i><br />
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<i><b>6. "For the love of God stop crying........All I said was..."</b></i><br />
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<i><b>7. "Does that mean we don't have to use a Condom"?</b></i><br />
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<i><b>8. "I'm sure its not as bad as you make out"</b></i><br />
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<i><b>9. "You can't have many more years left of this"</b></i><br />
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<i><b>10. "The wine has run out and the shops are shut"........THIS IS BY FAR THE WORST ONE.</b></i><br />
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I can solemnly promise you that all of these sweeping statements have been said to me in one way or another throughout my life.<br />
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Can you imagine if men had their Menstrual Cycle, Menstruation, Menopause and Gynaecology appointments..............Hang on a second.............Something had just struck me whilst writing......All of those things actually have something in common......<u><b>MEN</b></u>strual Cycle......<b><u>MEN</u></b>struation........<b><u>MEN</u></b>opause......<b><u>GY</u></b>naecology...........I can see a conspiracy theory here.<br />
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If men had any of these things I'm betting we would all have a national holiday once a month. To be honest I just don't think they would cope full stop.................The houses of Parliament would be filled with hysterical screaming and shouting and lots of "he said" "she said"....................Wait.............That is exactly what its like in there.....................................Is there something we don't know????????<br />
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I'm off now to eat my own body weight in chocolate and massage my massive swollen ankles.............<br />
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See you on the other side<br />
Love<br />
Me<br />
xxxx<br />
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I've linked this post up with the gorgeous Lets Talk Mommy.</div>
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-34846758906667679292015-09-01T09:43:00.000-07:002015-09-01T09:43:45.478-07:00My Student Pack........A Review.As many of my loyal readers will know The Female Teen is off to Uni this September......................... Sniff, sniff hold it together woman. This whole process has been stressful to say the least and has quite possibly been a complete eye opener to the whole growing up, leaving home and being independent malarky. Questions like what does she need to take, where will she live and more honestly will I feel like traipsing round the shops looking for it whilst traumatised at the cost of it all came to mind.<br />
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Then last month I stumbled upon something that suddenly made me take a huge sigh of relief and smile.....................This is was the one sentence that got me interested.........<br />
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-size: x-large;"><b>Everything You Need For University, delivered.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>What !!!!!! I thought, this must be too good to be true. To my complete delight it was everything I had been looking for all in one place and very reasonably priced.<br />
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<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Here's </span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">what they say</span></i></b> <i>:- <span style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">At My Student Pack we continually strive to be the best we possibly can be. We source and supply high quality products at prices which are both competitive and affordable.</span><span style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"> </span></i></span><br />
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #741b47;"><i>My Student Pack is a one stop shop for all of your daily needs at university. Our aim is to help you save both time and money - allowing you to get on with everything else.</i></span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #741b47;"><i>We have been working within the student sector for many years and feel that we are the ideal people to understand what students need when moving into their new accommodation. We understand that both price and quality is important for students, this is why we have created two packs – an essential and a premium pack.</i></span></div>
I didn't need to be convinced any more and as soon as we knew what her was accommodation I was online ordering a few boxes.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><i><span style="color: purple;"> </span><a href="http://mystudentpack.co.uk/"><span style="color: #741b47;">My Student Pack</span></a></i></b></span><br />
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I was blown away with how easy the website was and how informative each section was. We decided to order the Bathroom Pack, Kitchen Pack, Cleaning Pack and the Study Pack (in fact I ordered 2 of these so that my youngest who is going onto year 10 could have one too). Click on the links to each pack to be directed straight to the Student Pack website where you can see a list of everything included and prices.</div>
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<i> <b> <a href="http://mystudentpack.co.uk/pages/kitchen-pack"><span style="color: #741b47;">Kitchen Pack</span></a></b> (click here to be redirected)</i></div>
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<a href="http://mystudentpack.co.uk/pages/bathroom-pack"><i><b><span style="color: #741b47;">Bathroom Pack</span></b></i></a></div>
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<a href="http://mystudentpack.co.uk/products/cleaning-pack"><i><b><span style="color: #741b47;">Cleaning Pack</span></b></i></a></div>
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<a href="http://mystudentpack.co.uk/products/study-pack"><i><b><span style="color: #741b47;">Study Pack</span></b></i></a></div>
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Everything you see in the photos are included and within a couple of days my packs arrived in perfect condition. The Teen was ecstatic with all her goodies and is now choosing which bedroom pack to order.<br />
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I am a huge fan of anything that makes my life that little bit easier and My Student Pack certainly did this for me. As nervous as I am about her leaving home and starting a new adventure at least I know that she is kitted out with everything she might need...............And...........Yes, there a and......If she runs out of anything I can order from the website and get it delivered straight to her University.<br />
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Thank you to much to the lovely guys at <a href="http://mystudentpack.co.uk/"><i><span style="color: #741b47;"><b>My Student Pack</b></span></i></a> for being so helpful.<br />
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-21112510336682436582015-08-20T03:57:00.001-07:002015-08-20T03:57:10.986-07:00Was my Mum really a Hairdresser ??As you all know we have moved home recently, apart from being hugely stressful and quite frankly worse than childbirth and getting married it was a time to get stuck into that black hole of Calcutta aka THE LOFT and have a good clear out. Unfortunately my plan of shoving it all back into the new loft were dashed when we realised very early on that it wasn't quite as large as the previous one. This resulted in having to bloody good sort through of the boxes which I had been putting off for about 10 years.<br />
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So, there I am sitting crossed legged on the floor of the study/new loft area for now sorting through smelly, dusty boxes of ........................Memories.<br />
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In amongst the memorabilia I kept coming across photos of me when I was younger/thinner/firmer/<br />
less stressed. ..........You get the picture. As I smiled at the photos something suddenly hit me.............. My hair styles were bloody shocking and then something even bigger hit me....................My own Mother was a sodding hairdresser !!!!!<br />
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Let me share with you some of the best haircuts ever :-<br />
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1. I am not entirely sure what the heck was going on here only that I looked like George Best in his younger years. Although.....Check out those eyelashes people !!!!<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hzgZhKwh4zk/VdWY_Y4anZI/AAAAAAAARao/GnO0mWD8OCg/s1600/1915339_1254854300559_7818323_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hzgZhKwh4zk/VdWY_Y4anZI/AAAAAAAARao/GnO0mWD8OCg/s320/1915339_1254854300559_7818323_n.jpg" width="254" /></a>2. This little beauty was when I seemed to be going through my Lewis Collins from the Professionals stage (note the Polo neck jumper). To be honest I think I might of had nits and she just cut it all off...............I can still remember going into a shop and being called a "little boy".<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2NmDZC2G6jo/VdWtYAV6g5I/AAAAAAAARa4/ek_O2tOO6y8/s1600/11909617_10207537509584942_973336181_n_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2NmDZC2G6jo/VdWtYAV6g5I/AAAAAAAARa4/ek_O2tOO6y8/s320/11909617_10207537509584942_973336181_n_Fotor.jpg" width="218" /></a>3. Unfortunately things didn't really improve as I got a older, in fact by the look of this photo I had adopted quite a severe fringe and I don't just mean the one on the Poncho.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9k-FDHNPWMo/VdWucNmsfoI/AAAAAAAARbE/x8AnmokioXs/s1600/11880157_10207537509264934_918143445_n_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9k-FDHNPWMo/VdWucNmsfoI/AAAAAAAARbE/x8AnmokioXs/s320/11880157_10207537509264934_918143445_n_Fotor.jpg" width="253" /></a>4. This photo was taken in Richmond Park in the height of summer ,I am quite sure my hair was so bad I had decided to wear my hood up. Either that or my Dad was so embarrassed to be seen with me he had Cello taped it to my head.<br />
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6. First day at secondary school and we were back to the short back and sides..........As if my hair wasn't bad enough check out the colour of my uniform.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VU1-ZrrTI_E/VdWvmdKsSAI/AAAAAAAARbc/YyLNObXkEW0/s1600/11874051_10207537510024953_205743091_n_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VU1-ZrrTI_E/VdWvmdKsSAI/AAAAAAAARbc/YyLNObXkEW0/s320/11874051_10207537510024953_205743091_n_Fotor.jpg" width="181" /></a>7. To be completely fair to my mum I wanted highlights and went on about them until she caved........Remember people, Spandeau Ballet and Wham were all the rage so that's my excuse for this one.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sqY119bISIc/VdWv9SwesvI/AAAAAAAARbk/DL2K9HFb5IQ/s1600/11868714_10207537509024928_842820655_n_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sqY119bISIc/VdWv9SwesvI/AAAAAAAARbk/DL2K9HFb5IQ/s320/11868714_10207537509024928_842820655_n_Fotor.jpg" width="213" /></a>8. Its Perm time and I thought I looked fabulous....................Looking back I now resemble a giant Poodle wearing Pat Butcher Earrings.<br />
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Now do you see what I mean, it would of been excusable if Mum had been anything else but she wasn't was she?....................She was a fully qualified hairdresser.................Well, that's what she told everyone !!!!!<br />
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What was your most embarrassing hair style ever, I would love to know.<br />
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Love<br />
Me<br />
xxxx<br />
<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-78528857043368349972015-07-22T02:54:00.002-07:002015-07-22T02:54:53.972-07:00Missing In ActionYou may of noticed I have been a little quiet of late...........Mr DG would see this as a bonus.............There has been a jolly good reason behind my absence.............................WE HAVE MOVED HOUSE.................Oh yes indeedy. And, being the super duper superstitious person I am there was no way I could tempt fate and write about it.<br />
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But now.................................I can............................And boy can I tell you a few stories about the whole process of putting your home on the market, finding somewhere else and then the debacle of actually moving a whole 15 years of stuff to another place.<br />
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They say that moving is one of the most stressful experiences you will ever go through and I whole heartedly agree..................Never, ever again. Having complete strangers marching through your home was quite frankly like being a chimp in a glass enclosure and I had some real corkers......................Here are my top 5 viewings.<br />
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1. Mum, Dad, Kid 1 (high on orange crisps and blue sweets), Kid 2 ( clearly traumatised by the whole experience). Kid 1 decided to jump on all the beds whilst shouting that he could fart in time to his bounces, Kid 2 still crying and now climbing up Dads leg to sit on his shoulders, Mum oblivious to whole chaotic scene and was just interested in how much I would sell my curtains for.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qaeb9rJG-VU/Va9mHOc6KsI/AAAAAAAARYk/4KBNN00J-1o/s1600/cartoon-teenager-clip-art-696902.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qaeb9rJG-VU/Va9mHOc6KsI/AAAAAAAARYk/4KBNN00J-1o/s200/cartoon-teenager-clip-art-696902.jpg" width="193" /></a>2. Man, Woman, Teenager.................Man decided to open all my wardrobes to see how much space there was, Woman decided that she would take this opportunity to comment on all my clothes and enquire where I purchased them all from. Teenager couldn't of cared less if they lived here or in a tent and was only slightly enamoured when he realised it had a garage round the corner for his "band".<br />
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3. Older couple - Spent a whole hour walking round making all the right noises only to tell me as they left that they were actually looking for 4 bedrooms and needed space for 3 cars........Apparently they had lost the ability to read the particulars that the estate agent had lovingly prepared for them. They then proceeded to sit in their car for a further hour with a picnic hamper and a flask of tea.<br />
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4. Single Man - Divorced..........And didn't I know it, think I should of charged him a Therapist rate as he sat for ages telling me what a cow she was and how much money she had got out of the divorce. I don't even think he looked at the house and welled up every time he saw something that reminded him or her.........."My Ex used to have a mirror like that"........."My ex loved that perfume"..........."My ex had that shampoo"........"My ex had a vagina".........OK, he didn't really say that last one but you get the drift.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p8aK65ylgak/Va9n9m79OCI/AAAAAAAARYw/OhHqflQpfL8/s1600/angry-woman-clip-art-1662837.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p8aK65ylgak/Va9n9m79OCI/AAAAAAAARYw/OhHqflQpfL8/s200/angry-woman-clip-art-1662837.png" width="105" /></a>5. Young couple - Very nice at first but this quickly descended into them having a full blown argument about whether they could actually afford the house in the first place and how they was no way she was going to live with his mother. When he enquired why she felt like this she explained that his mother was in her delicate words a "BITCH"..............Once again my therapy skills came into play as I explained that we had lived with Mr DG's mum and that it was a Godsend to have the opportunity to save up some money so we could afford to buy our first place. This didn't seem to help and she stomped off leaving a very red face man not quite knowing what the heck was going on.<br />
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I could go on but to be honest we had some right nutters looking round,and it would take up a whole post to tell you about them all, the trouble is you have to show them all. In amongst the riff raff there might be someone who is genuinely interested and wants to buy your beloved home.................................And, there was.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2IcY11_ACp0/Va9oQKhRT3I/AAAAAAAARY4/P8db6VKgSOA/s1600/real-estate-sold-sign-clip-art-1483609.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2IcY11_ACp0/Va9oQKhRT3I/AAAAAAAARY4/P8db6VKgSOA/s200/real-estate-sold-sign-clip-art-1483609.gif" width="150" /></a>A gorgeous young couple who are having their first baby this year, she fell in love with the house by the time she had made it through the porch and within 15 minutes it was obvious they were going to buy it.<br />
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So, 8 weeks later they did and we moved our family, possessions and life 5 minutes up the other end of town to our dream home...................<br />
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I am just getting used to the extra space and am trying to except that its not a holiday home and that it is in fact our forever home.<br />
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Would I ever do it again....................Not unless I can be put into an induced state and woken up when its all over.<br />
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Nice to be back<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me xxx<br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-82438622291054611282015-05-26T13:15:00.002-07:002015-05-28T00:10:23.388-07:00Dear Amelia<div>
Dear Amelia</div>
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Its 9am on Friday morning and I am standing watching you walk to school for the last time...........The last time ever...........(Well apart from going in for your exams but I will probably drive you in to calm your nerves). You look so tall and beautiful that my heart swells with pride until I just cannot watch you anymore, a single tear escapes from my eye and I get that familiar feeling of dread in my heart as I remember that this it is almost the end of an era......................The end of the life that we have known for the past 18 years.<br />
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I can still remember your first day at school, just 4 years old with a bobbed haircut and 2 front teeth missing. You clung to me as if your life depended on it and I sobbed as I walked home after leaving you hanging from the teachers leg begging me not to go..............I thought my heart was going to break and almost ran back when it was time to pick you up at lunchtime. You jumped into my arms with such force I almost fell over....................."Phew" you said "Have I done school now"?.....................Oh dear oh dear.</div>
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It took you a good 6 weeks to get used to it but once you did.............You loved it, even though you were the youngest in the class it didn't faze you and the teachers loved you to bits. You insisted on wearing tights every day and unbeknown to me decided that it would be a good idea to wear knickers over the top to stop them falling down.................Makes perfect sense now.</div>
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You breezed through school both Primary and Secondary and decided very early on that you wanted to be a teacher when you grew up...............And now you have..................You have grown up.........Right before my eyes................In a blur................In a rush ......................And far too quickly.</div>
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Now time suddenly seems more precious than ever, we don't have long until you leave for your next big adventure.................................Your biggest adventure ever....................................4 months to be precise..................................4 months until I am sure my heart will break again as I have to leave you again except this time at University.</div>
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To say I will be proud will be an understatement but selfishly I will wish that you had decided to get a job right up the road and live at home forever..............................But, I will put on a brave face and smile just as I did on your first day at Primary school telling you that everything will be fine and that I will be back to pick you up soon.....................................I just hope you will pack plenty of knickers to wear over those tights.</div>
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Love You To The Moon And Back</div>
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Mum</div>
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xxxxx</div>
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I am linking up with the fabulous <a href="http://3childrenandit.com/loud-n-proud"><b>Loud 'n' Proud</b></a></div>
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-75000126416988575362015-05-12T03:12:00.001-07:002015-05-12T03:12:23.207-07:00Pink Knickers and Lemon Meringue Pie.<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xwm0l63nnXo/T7IYgRgBAaI/AAAAAAAAAvA/_9IsQZFHwRA/s1600/thumbnailCASWRF93.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xwm0l63nnXo/T7IYgRgBAaI/AAAAAAAAAvA/_9IsQZFHwRA/s200/thumbnailCASWRF93.jpg" width="200" /></a>Several things happened in quick succession today that have almost made me want to reach for the Gin bottle or at worst start smoking............<br />
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1. Male Teen decided that this morning was a fantastic time to throw an epic strop of all proportions due to the fact I refused to give him a letter excusing him from P.E............."OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SO UNFAIR...........I'VE BEEN COUGHING ALL MORNING (he had actually coughed once due to eating his toast too quickly and said toast went down the wrong hole ) AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT (another exaggeration of the truth.........He got up twice for a wee because he had drunk so much Coke) I HATE MY LIFE......." And that was the end of that. "LOVE YOU" I shouted as he was about to leave........BANG went the door.<br />
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2. Female Teen announced that she had a driving lesson at 9am, this is something I just cannot get used to...........................She is in charge of a car....................I fear that her attention will wander as she spots a pretty dress in the window of a shop. I said I wasn't going to watch her pull away but I lied and hid behind the Voile's until she had gone. The last time I saw her drive a car was an ELC Cosy Coupe and she wasn't very good at that to be fair.<br />
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3. Decided to get a wash on early and grabbed a bunch of whites................What I didn't notice was a pair of bright and I mean bright pink knickers (not mine) amongst all the washing............I won't go into details but you can imagine what happened next. Am now soaking Mr DG's baby pink shirts in bleach and Vanish hoping to bring them back to life. Failing that I am going to lie and say a Golden Eagle swooped down and snatched them all from the line.........WHAT..........Come on........I'd believe that.<br />
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4. Phoned Estate Agents to see if anything new had come on the market.........Did I mention we are moving???......Well, we are...............Sold ours but now can't find anything. Result.......Something new has appeared...............Had a drive over there to check it out before viewing ................................... .......................Bugger...................Backs onto a Grave Yard....................On the positive side at least the neighbours are dead quiet (sorry, couldn't resist). Tried to overlook the downside only to be told by The Female Teen that she would never come home for Uni if we moved there due to convincing herself that The Night Of The Walking Dead would happen if we did live there.<br />
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5. Decided to get a head start on all the candle orders I have committed too...............Today was Lemon Meringue Pie. Everything was going well until I caught the tiny bottle of very potent fragrance oil and knocked it all over the side. Grabbed my pipette and sucked up as much as I could squeezing it back into the bottle..................Phew I thought..............Lucky escape..........................<br />
..................WRONG................Oil has seeped into crack on work top and my kitchen now smells like a sodding Lemon grove........................Dog is still sneezing and my eyes are watering.<br />
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6. Treated myself to a new bottle of rather expensive foundation only to discover the dippy sales assistant has given me the wrong shade and I almost resembled someone that has had one too many spray tans.............................................Remember that episode of Friends with Ross and the tanning booth.......................Well.......................That.<br />
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7. In my anger at the previous point grabbed what I thought was the toothpaste (which I must add had been left next to the toothbrushes) and squeezed a hefty helping onto my toothbrush only to find out one I had shoved it in my mouth that it was in fact bloody hand cream ............................................................................................................BLURGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hbBRLcI51cg/U5gUdt_83bI/AAAAAAAALN8/PnWph4cM238/s1600/me.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hbBRLcI51cg/U5gUdt_83bI/AAAAAAAALN8/PnWph4cM238/s200/me.png" width="171" /></a>What a bloody morning, what a waste of good make up and what the hell has happened today.........................Are the Gods above playing a game with me today or is it just because I had such a nice weekend that someone thought it might be fun to heap a ton of bad luck on me.<br />
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Either way I am not going to let it get me down......................I have sniffed the bottle of Gin and taken a few deep breaths...........................Oh Hang on.......................All I can taste is that bloody Lemon Meringue Pie oil in my throat..........Hopefully the hand cream will counteract it.<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me<br />
xxxxxxxx<br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-53455670947432593182015-05-06T05:23:00.001-07:002015-05-06T05:23:16.472-07:00BritMums Live 2015Its almost time to pack my little suitcase, dust off my notebook and catch the train up to London to take part in the best social event ever.......And I mean ever.<br />
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This will be my 3rd <b><a href="http://www.britmums.com/britmumslive/">BritMums Live</a> </b>and I am looking forward to it so much that I am like a small kid at Xmas, I wasn't going to do a Meme this year but after seeing so many I decided I probably should...............But......................I also decided I would cheat a little bit and use last years photos as it was very popular and helped people to recognise me. So.............Here I am..........................................<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xEcTh_Cp2kc/U33TC672epI/AAAAAAAAK8Q/hy_oHsiqAho/s1600/10291866_10203886985284116_2953612399592907858_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xEcTh_Cp2kc/U33TC672epI/AAAAAAAAK8Q/hy_oHsiqAho/s1600/10291866_10203886985284116_2953612399592907858_n.jpg" height="200" width="198" /></a>3. At number 3 we have the <strong><em>"Did someone say there was cake over there"</em></strong> expression. There is lots of food to eat so my top tip is..............................Elasticated trousers or Super Glue as Lip Gloss<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ey_GzuDox44/U33TLIsoyAI/AAAAAAAAK8Y/Te7luAnOqqA/s1600/10269589_10203886980043985_7448201661081487274_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ey_GzuDox44/U33TLIsoyAI/AAAAAAAAK8Y/Te7luAnOqqA/s1600/10269589_10203886980043985_7448201661081487274_n.jpg" height="198" width="200" /></a>4. This is possibly how you may find me on Saturday morning after a few (cough cough) glasses of the fizzy stuff.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_q91Zcc6CDU/U33Tv1Am5oI/AAAAAAAAK8o/DEC5988DnQk/s1600/10385414_10203887005924632_269345394586248070_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_q91Zcc6CDU/U33Tv1Am5oI/AAAAAAAAK8o/DEC5988DnQk/s1600/10385414_10203887005924632_269345394586248070_n.jpg" height="200" width="199" /></a>5. Here we have my <strong><em>"Its all over and I don't want to go home"</em></strong> very sad face.....................Look at that face..........................Its like Puss In Boots.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A46IDJHIChQ/U33TXK3m_dI/AAAAAAAAK8g/gefa8mwEGVQ/s1600/10402976_10203886965843630_8498598710036635485_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A46IDJHIChQ/U33TXK3m_dI/AAAAAAAAK8g/gefa8mwEGVQ/s1600/10402976_10203886965843630_8498598710036635485_n.jpg" height="200" width="198" /></a>6. Assuming you still don't recognise me................................Here's my normal (I use these words loosely) face.<br />
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Looking forward to seeing you all very soon...............................Not long now.........................Squeal !!!!!!<br />
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P.S If you did see this last year than I am sorry but I would still like a hug.The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-78842101185360297262015-03-25T01:31:00.000-07:002015-03-28T03:40:08.681-07:002 Kool 4 Skool<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fnf6Xc97IjM/U33Sv0MUSGI/AAAAAAAAK8E/0N_pJkyRuXU/s1600/10374480_10203886960363493_8169645075866547882_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fnf6Xc97IjM/U33Sv0MUSGI/AAAAAAAAK8E/0N_pJkyRuXU/s1600/10374480_10203886960363493_8169645075866547882_n.jpg" height="200" width="196" /></a>I see different parents every day on social media that look so cool and think "why can't I be like that"..........I shall tell you why...................Because I am the Mother of two bloody Teenagers and there is no place on Earth that I will ever look or be cool in their eyes...........EVER.<br />
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Trust me when I say I have tried to impress them with my coolness and hilarity.......................It doesn't work, no matter what you do or say.<br />
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My advice is as follows..........<br />
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1. <b>DO NOT<u> </u></b>attempt to speak to them when they have friends round (especially boys), the last time the Male Teen had his mates round I decided to pop upstairs and have a chat. "Hi Guys, whats going on"...............This was met with 3 hooded heads suddenly dropping to the floor and a variety of grunts emerged from their very red faces. "Nothing Mum.........Just nothing.......Can you shut the door please".................Oh well I thought, at least he said please.<br />
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2. <b>DO NOT</b> ever suggest that maybe you could get a similar top to the Female Teen. This will be greeted with a look of sheer horror................"But I just thought we would look cute in the same top"................................"CUTE MUM.......REALLY.........CUTE........WHO EVEN SAYS THAT"...................Bad idea then.<br />
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<b>3. DO NOT</b> try and photo bomb them when they are on Snap Chat...............I almost ended up with the new IPhone implanted up my arse when "I" thought it would be hilarious to pop up behind her mid Snap Chat.....................<br />
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4. "Lets do a video of us singing Frozen in the car"...............................No words were returned as she just got out of the car and walked home.<br />
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5. "Shall I come in to the party to get you"?........................................Now this is actually a top tip of mine if you want to get your Teen to come out on time. Trust me, even a small hint that you might join the party and start joining in will force them to be waiting outside as you pull up.<br />
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6. <b>DO NOT</b> attempt to "Rap".......................Iggy Azalea has got nothing on me .............Unfortunately both Teens were in the car as I claimed to know all the words. I didn't even realise that two 5ft something humans could fit in the foot wells of my car.<br />
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7. Apparently according to both Teens I talk very loudly when I think I am whispering so<b> DO NOT </b>try and be funny about teachers at parents evening.....................................I don't really know what the problem was.............................All I said was how sad I was that he wasn't doing PE.............You get the drift.<br />
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8. <b>DO NOT </b>dance...................<b>EVER</b>............Even though I went to dance school with Steadman from 5 Star (well, I didn't actually go to school with him but he was in the next dance class to me) this means nothing to Teenagers as I bust my moves. I am even too embarrassing to be filmed, posted on YouTube and mocked apparently.<br />
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9. Never shout things out of the car at them...............Like..........."LOVE YOU" or "MAKE GOOD CHOICES TODAY HUNNY"...................And my personal favourite "SEE YOU LATER MY<br />
LITTLE PRINCE".<br />
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10. If a someone from the opposite sex breaks your Teens heart <b>DO NOT</b> drive slowly past him/her and his new squeeze with the window down giving him/her the "I'm watching you" look..........Especially do not do this if your heart broken teen is in the car with you..................<br />
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All of the above are vital for survival yours and theirs and once though the other side which I am pleased to say is almost upon me with the Female Teen things will look much better.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WiIhA0gRWZI/T4SgqEP9xaI/AAAAAAAAASk/cJ9-0NSzBbk/s1600/168689_1789521666909_1505614370_31904530_6604231_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WiIhA0gRWZI/T4SgqEP9xaI/AAAAAAAAASk/cJ9-0NSzBbk/s1600/168689_1789521666909_1505614370_31904530_6604231_n.jpg" height="167" width="200" /></a>Face facts that you will never be totally cool in their eyes and that's fine, in fact it is more than fine.......................Its so much more fun to have a few things up your sleeve that might make them cringe.<br />
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Good Luck Out There xxxx<br />
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I am linking up with the fabulous <a href="http://superbusymum.net/the-mad-mid-week-blog-hop-32/">Super Busy Mum</a> and <a href="http://www.thedadnetwork.co.uk/2015/03/big-fat-linky-of-the-week-28-3-15.html">The Big Fat Linky of The Week with The Dad Network</a>. Hop on over there and link up your posts.<br />
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<a href="http://www.thedadnetwork.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/image-e1423257811431.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="The Dad Network" border="0" src="http://www.thedadnetwork.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/image-e1423257811431.png" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; height: auto; line-height: 29px; max-width: 100%; text-align: -webkit-center;" title="The Dad Network" /></a> <img alt="Super Busy Mum" src="http://i1224.photobucket.com/albums/ee367/Tandier/MMWBH-2.jpg" style="border-bottom-left-radius: 3px; border-bottom-right-radius: 3px; border-top-left-radius: 3px; border-top-right-radius: 3px; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 1px 4px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; text-align: -webkit-center; vertical-align: baseline;" title="Super Busy Mum" /><br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com49tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-65675848844476101932015-03-23T10:50:00.000-07:002015-03-23T10:50:34.264-07:005 Things I Never Told My ParentsI spent last weekend with some old school friends.................Not old in the sense of "old" but old in the sense of I have known them a really long time. We are all in our 20's.................30's..............OK, OK who am I kidding 40's and I have to say we are all looking bloody fabulous, admittedly there is a bit more of me than there is of them but whats 15 stone between friends. <div>
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This reunion got me thinking about my school days and especially my teenage years, I know I moan about my two but if I am really honest..........................Really honest..............They are actually pretty perfect compared to me. Maybe that's why they are the way they are, not only have I worn the t-shirt iI have washed it, tumble dried it and worn it again. </div>
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My Mum who worked incredibly hard had a hairdressing salon built in our house so I was pretty much allowed to come and go as I pleased........................In truth I took full advantage of this situation and worked out quite quickly that the best time to ask for money or whether I could go out was when she was right in the middle of a perm or highlights..........."Yes, yes" she would say "Just take £5 out of my purse and be back when it starts getting dark"..........................SCORE !!!!</div>
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What could I do first ?????????????</div>
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1. Smoke - Yep, that's right I smoked....................Well, I say smoked.............What I actually did was suck it in and blow it out. We smoked some type of Spanish cigarette that my friend used to pinch from her Dad and if I am truthful they were disgusting. We would hide behind the local shops and puff away thinking we looked so cool, then one of us would run to the shops and buy a packet of Polo mints so we could disguise the smell..............I remember the first time I actually inhaled the vile taste and coughed and sputtered just as the boy I fancied walked past......Cool hey.</div>
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2. Annoy the shop keepers - This was a particular favourite past time of mine, I am only amazed they didn't give us a good hiding. My best friend and I even got locked in one store..............I can still remember it now, it was The House Of Holland shop and we loved it. We were only supposed to go in there to have a look at the toys but decided to hide from the manager, after 20 minutes we suddenly realised we had been locked in whilst he went to lunch............Did we cry or panic ??? Nope.......We rode round the whole store on display bikes. Once we saw him coming back we hid again, waited for him to open up and then strolled out as if nothing had happened.</div>
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3. Set up my own hairdressing salon - During the summer holidays whilst Mum was out I actually set up my own shop.....................IN HER SALON................After spending so much time watching Mum do highlights I became a bit of an expert. Remember the jelly cap with the holes....................Yep..........................I did that. My friends would come round and after popping the cap on and pulling the hair through with the hook thingy I would then mix up the bleach and paint it on their hair.....................20 minutes later................Ta Da..................Beautiful just walked out of the salon hair..................£2 please...................Thank you very much......................Mum never even noticed her depleting bleach stock.</div>
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4. Hack The Telephone - My Dad fed up with a huge phone bill decided it would be a good idea to install a lock on the dial of the phone (God now I am showing my age)........................I in turn learnt that if you tapped the black buttons under the receiver very quickly it did in fact dial each number for you. My Dad could never understand what the hell was going on when the bill came through equally as high as it was before the lock.</div>
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5. Excluded from school - This is by far the worst thing I ever did...................I am almost embarrassed to admit it...........................I got excluded from school for 2 days (and I am not telling you what for before you ask, only that it involved frozen Prawns), rather than tell my parents I decided to intercept the letter that plopped on the doormat informing them of my impeding exclusion. Not only did I forge their signatures I then handed it in to the school office telling them that my parents couldn't come in due to work commitments...........And they bought it....................I couldn't believe my luck. Now my problem was how was I going to get away with this dastardly plan...........I will tell you.................Each morning I would go to school as usual but instead of actually going there I would sit in the park with the other 2 girls that had been excluded and sunbath all day............................................Shocked.......................I was.............................I am fair skinned and sunbathing was not for me. After 3 days of sunning it I ended up with a heat rash and a bloody thumping headache..................Karma had struck.</div>
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My poor Parents..................................What was I even thinking about when I did these things. I feel like I have just taken confession and actually feel much lighter.....................................................Who am I kidding...........................................I loved every minute of it and I suppose in the grand scale of things I was only doing what all Teens were doing at the time.............................What ????................You weren't doing those things ?...................................Just me then.</div>
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Sorry Dad and Mum xxxxxxx</div>
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-3883823842997953172015-03-11T01:49:00.003-07:002015-03-11T01:49:27.670-07:00Save or StrandWe played a game this weekend called Save or Strand...............It involved listing 5 famous people (fictional or non fictional) you would save on a beautiful remote island along with yourself and another 5 that you would strand on a raft destined for shore. This got me thinking and below are the results.........<br />
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<b><u>Save List </u></b><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x_3WCtC9lII/VQABHHT8UvI/AAAAAAAAQZA/L3UTQuYVBJc/s1600/2015-03-11%2B08.47.45.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x_3WCtC9lII/VQABHHT8UvI/AAAAAAAAQZA/L3UTQuYVBJc/s1600/2015-03-11%2B08.47.45.jpg" height="200" width="191" /></a>Imagine the scene, a beautiful island with plenty of vegetation and natural water......Who would I have with me...............<br />
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1. Steve Backshall - Obvious reasons................No, no not those reasons......I am thinking more of someone to deal with all the creepy crawlies, animals and fire building..........I am........Honestly.<br />
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2. Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall - I would never starve and he could teach me how to cook properly............It may come as a surprise to you with a name like The Domestic Goddess but I am a totally crap cook......My kids thought Fish Fingers were black for years until they went to a friends house and refuse to eat orange ones as they "weren't cooked".......Whoops.<br />
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3. Dr Phil - Just in case anyone needs a good chat and some advice..................To be honest I think I might be too busy cooking and following Steve around to need any help.<br />
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4. Alex O'Loughlin (Hawaii 5 O) - You never know when you might need an ex Navy Seal to protect you and hold you tight at night if you get scared..........................It is very possible I will get scared a lot..........A LOT.<br />
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5. Mickey Flanagan - Someone to keep moral up and teach me the Limp Drag walk.<br />
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So there we go my Save List, you will notice I have no other women on the island. This has been done intentionally as I would hate to have to get cross with anyone if they wanted to "get scared" one night and need the protection of Steve and Alex...........Its only fair.<br />
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1. Christian Grey - Quite frankly I couldn't cope with all the sex and would only end up getting Cystitis and feeling thoroughly miserable. Although I might have to ask to borrow his rope and Duct tape before he sets sail.<br />
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2. Justin Beiber - Quite frankly he can jump off the raft if he's feels like it.............Spoilt Brat.<br />
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3. Miley Cyrus - Same reasons as above and all that sticking your tongue business would get right on my nerves.<br />
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4. Bear Grylls - Why anyone would want to roll in snow and eat poisonous mushrooms is beyond me and I just cannot stand him. He might of been in the SAS but he's on my raft.<br />
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5. And finally.......As many politicians as possible....I know this is cheating but honestly its like listening to a load of kids in Playschool all fighting over one toy. Get a grip "ladies" and stop arguing about pointless things..................<br />
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So, there we have it folks. My Save or Strand list, now its time for you too tell me one person to go on each list........Its harder than you think.<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me<br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-29406820831229623002015-02-10T00:22:00.001-08:002015-02-11T00:23:35.279-08:0010 Things I Should Of Learnt By Now<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pPZ3g_kaDxw/VNm_mvay8pI/AAAAAAAAQK4/aNHNxBxjscY/s1600/IMG_4687.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pPZ3g_kaDxw/VNm_mvay8pI/AAAAAAAAQK4/aNHNxBxjscY/s1600/IMG_4687.JPG" height="200" width="195" /></a>There are times when I say "IS IT ME?"....................There are times when I might even say "WTF"......But more often than not you will regularly find me saying "WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN". Here are my Top 10 Do's and Don'ts of everyday life.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>1. DO NOT expect to much from people:</b> Just because you might go the extra mile does not mean that they will too. Some people are just not built like that, if you don't expect you won't be disappointed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>2. <span style="color: #333333; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"> DO NOT prepare a slow cooked stew in the morning</span></b></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">: Chopping onions after putting Mascara on only ends in disaster.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>3. DO NOT take criticism personally:</b></span><b style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"> </b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">This is something I am fabulous at. I tell myself that the other person is not attacking me, but it's an easy trap to fall into, and I am happy to oblige.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>4. DO NOT worry about things that are out of your control:</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> I am the worlds biggest worrier, in fact if I haven't got anything to worry about then I will actually worry about that. I am learning slowly that it is a big huge waste of energy and time.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">5. DO think before you respond to "stupid":</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> I am teaching myself to think what will happen and how will I feel in 3 hours if I respond to someone stupid. More often than not it stops me from making a situation worse. I recently had to deal with a nasty problem and with the help of a good </span>blogging<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> friend (thank you Suzanne </span>Whitton<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;">) took some time out before acting in haste and possibly making the situation worse.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>6. DO except compliments : </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I am great at giving them but rotten at accepting them and will always come back with a comment like "Oh, its good lighting" or "Its all done with mirrors". If someone wants to tell you that you look nice then just a simple "thank you" will do. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>7. DO except that none of us really know what we are doing as a parent : </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;">We are all just muddling along in the hope of getting it right, just try not to mess them up too much and remember to show them how to be a decent human being. Above all, tell them you love them every day and how proud you are of them.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>8. DO trust your gut instinct :</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> Mine has yet to steer me wrong but I have unfortunately chosen </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;">to ignore in the past. Remember, if it feels even slightly wrong then it probably is.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>9. DO NOT buy a piece of clothing to "slim" into : </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;">You will never end up wearing it and it will just frustrate you every time you look at it. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><b>10. DO NOT drink alcohol when you haven't eaten.</b>......Enough said.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 21px;">There are many more and I could go on and on......................But I won't. I would love to hear your Do's and Don'ts in the comments.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">Lots of Love</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 21px;">Me </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">xxxxx</span></span><br />
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<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-35069904216428433992015-02-05T01:04:00.003-08:002015-02-07T01:17:04.597-08:00Parents Evening OlympicsGood morning sports fans and its a lovely day in leafy Sussex, the days events are just about to get underway and we are kicking off with the 100m Steeple Chase...........................................<br />
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In lane one we have <b>Pushy Mum </b>who will stop at nothing to get her child in that spotlight.<br />
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In lane two its <b>Mrs Look At Your Shoes</b>, this poor soul is clearly scarred from her own haunting memories of childhood parents evenings. This is going to be tough race for her so plenty of encouragement please folks.<br />
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In lane three we have the hugely popular <b>I Know The Teachers By Their First Names</b> and there is no stopping her as she limbers up ready to pounce.<br />
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In lane four the crowds favourite <b>Mr Memory Lane</b> who proceeds to tell anyone that will listen what a complete wag he was at school much to his child's embarrassment.<br />
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And finally in Lane five the undisputed <b>Mrs Raised Brows </b>who has spent much of the warm up session telling everyone how perfect little Johnny is.<br />
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The scene is set and the runners are on their starting blocks the atmosphere is electric as a hush falls over the crowds. Its so tense you could cut the air with a knife........................A slight move from one of the runners and someone screams from the crowd <b><i>"FALSE START.....FALSE START"</i></b>................<br />
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<b>AND THEIR OFF.</b>..............................................................................................................................<br />
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Its <b>Mrs I Know All The Teachers</b> whose out of the blocks first ,she narrowly avoids knocking <b>Pushy Mum </b>straight over a row of chairs and causing chaos. <b>Pushy Mum</b> holds her ground and elbows her back into her lane............................HOLD ON WHATS THIS.................<b>Mr Memory Lane</b> has just hurdled the Headteacher whose crouched down to do his shoe lace up, he's determined to get to that Science appointment first and makes no apology as he clips the poor man in the head with his foot.<br />
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Looking back down the classroom <b>Mrs Raised Eye Brows</b> hasn't even left the blocks due to Little Johnny deciding that now might be a good time to tell her that he got an internal exclusion last week for calling one of his teachers a "Twat" She's livid and has a startled expression on her once smug face.......Poor Little Johnny is getting a right telling off as mum decides to walk the rest of the track with her head hung.<br />
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So ladies and gentlemen we are down to just 4 runners and the race is really hotting up..................There are scuffles and shouts as <b>Pushy Mum</b> really lives up to her name and literally does push random parents out of the way to get to that table. The teachers have a stunned expression on their faces as the runners approach, one even covers her head in fear of being trampled.<br />
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The finish line is in sight and the competition couldn't be any closer, <b>Mr Memory Lane</b> and <b>Pushy Mum</b> are neck and neck with <b>Mrs I Know All The Teachers </b>trailing behind mainly because she has seen someone she knows and has decided to stop for a chat............................BUT WAIT A MINUTE......................WHATS THIS.......................We had almost written off <b>Mrs Look At Your Shoes</b> who didn't seem to be doing anything but staring at the floor, she is powering through with grace and speed....................................She hurdles the water jump with ease swerving round the other runners without them even noticing...........<b>Mr Memory Lane</b> catches a glimpse of her Ballerina Pumps as she passes him like a rocket.................................The desk is clear, the teacher is ready and ..................And.......................SHES DONE IT........................<b>Mrs Look At Your Shoe</b>s is in the chair and already shaking hands with Mr Smith the Science teacher.<br />
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What a race we have had here today at the Parents Evening Olympics, the other runners look crushed as <b>Mrs Look At Your Shoe</b>s not only wins but gets a glowing report for little Billy as well as a handshake from The Head Teacher who is unfortunately nursing a bruised head due to Mr Memory Lane.<br />
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And just when we think its all over the race seems to be off again as <b>Mrs Look At Your Shoes </b>begins to push her chair back ready to move on.....................<b>Mr Memory Lane</b> and <b>Pushy Mum</b> are poised once again......................................AND THEIR OFF.<br />
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I am linking up with fabulous new <a href="http://www.thedadnetwork.co.uk/2015/02/big-fat-linky-week.html">Big Fat Linky by The Dad Network.</a><br />
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com50tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-68920252793384476142015-02-03T23:52:00.000-08:002015-02-09T08:24:44.767-08:00The 6 Stages Of PMS.What does PMS mean to you ? To me it means a few things................................................................<br />
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1. Puffy Mid Section<br />
2. Provide Me with Sweets<br />
3. Psychotic Mood Swings<br />
4. Pardon My Swearing<br />
5. Pass My Sweatpants<br />
6. Pleasant Member of Society<br />
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Every month I lurch between a range of moods, looks and emotions and in its path I leave a trail of devastation and destruction. Once out the other end I then encounter that good old favourite "Guilt".<br />
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I start off quite normal (whatever that is) I look alright, my hair looks clean and my make up stays in place all day. I become my normal weight and I am happy, energetic and healthy.<br />
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Then.......Just as I am enjoying life it begins.<br />
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I suddenly notice a need for more coffee, which is not usual for me but when I realise that I have run out in one day this alerts me to the fact there is something brewing. My jeans feel a little tighter, my ankles look attractively swollen and I am experiencing hot flushes. This is called the "<b><i>Puffy Mid Section"</i></b> phase and its a total bloody joy.....<br />
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Next is the delightful <b><i>"Provide Me with Sweets"</i></b> phase, I eat them then feel guilty then eat some more. I can't just have one bar or even two its like someone has told me that the world is running out of Chocolate that day and I must inhale every last bit. I can cry at the drop of a hat and don't even get me started on those adverts with Mums and Daughters.......Sob sob sob..........Wa Wa Wa......Someone call me a WAmbulance.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qSGv2ABbCuM/VNjfPpSV0XI/AAAAAAAAQKo/vcuZrWtk-fY/s1600/FullSizeRender-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qSGv2ABbCuM/VNjfPpSV0XI/AAAAAAAAQKo/vcuZrWtk-fY/s1600/FullSizeRender-4.jpg" height="200" width="192" /></a>Stage 3 and 4 are my personal favourites NOT! Its the "<b><i>Psychotic Mood Swing"</i></b> phase and I am a particular expert at this one. I can make a mountain out of a molehill, become paranoid that everyone hates me and then feel the need to possibly smash something. On top of all that I spend the whole time saying <b><i>"Pardon My Swearing"</i></b>.........Classy.<br />
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Stage 5 is the big event and the <b><i>"Pass My Sweatpants" </i></b>time. I am swollen, in pain, fed up and in need of my bed. Its at this time that I start thinking how easy men have it..........Come to think of it have you noticed how the bloke word comes into everything we have to go through......MENstrual Cycle............MENopause..........GYnaecology................You get the drift.<br />
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The final stage is upon me and quite frankly I am totally exhausted, this is called the becoming a <b><i>"Pleasant Member of Society"</i></b> time and the only thing that will do is a face pack, my dressing gown and a big bowl of Pop corn followed by a good film and a lot of apologies. The relief is apparent and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel...................Then it hits me...........................14 days until I start all over......................Nooooooooooooooooooooo !!!!!!<br />
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What are you top tips to getting through this wonderful part of being a woman ???<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me<br />
xxxxxxx<br />
<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-2676351030090339812015-01-22T04:34:00.002-08:002015-02-06T09:16:32.109-08:0010 Things You Never Say To A Teenager<b><i>"Aren't you going to put a coat on ?"</i></b> I asked on a particularly freezing -2º kind of morning. This question was answered with a grunt and then a huff as if to say<b><i>"Yeah right, I have a jumper and blazer on. Why the hell do I need a coat...........I am a Teenage Boy and I DO NOT do coats".</i></b><br />
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What is it with them ?..................I often find myself asking this question. What happens between the age of 11 and 16 is something that will forever baffle me.......I know I know its hormones blah blah blah. But what about what really happens......................Like what really goes in their minds. I walk around on egg shells some days not wanting to say the wrong thing or fuel a massive strop, I don't remember being like this (or though my Mother will probably say different). With this in mind I have learnt the careful art (and it is an art) of not what to say and when not to say it.<br />
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<b>1. Hurry Up</b> - This will be met with rather interesting response that may involve a swear word or two, you cannot I repeat cannot hurry a Teenager up. They are on their own schedule and will not change it for anyone............Especially you!<br />
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<b>2. Why don't you do that extra piece of homework if your bored ?</b> - Expect school books to be shoved back in bag and a rant of <b><i>"I'm so tired.......I'm not doing anymore than is necessary. If they wanted me to do it they shouldn't of said OPTIONAL"</i></b> This may be followed by a sudden urge to disappear upstairs and pretend they have "other" stuff that is far more important.<br />
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<b>3. So, what do you want to be when you finish school</b> - This question is usually asked by older relatives that haven't seen them morph into a Teenager and is answered with a shrug or a simple <b><i>"Dunno"</i></b>. To be honest at 13 I don't think I knew what I wanted to be, I vaguely remember wanting to be a Dolphin Trainer or a Nun at some stage.<br />
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<b>4. I absolutely forbid you to do that </b>- This will be met with the most hysterical laughter and rolling around on the floor by The Teenager. Saying that I did use the sentence <b><i>"You will not find anyone higher than me at this moment, not even GOD" </i></b>which did seem to evoke a stunned reaction before the laughter began.<br />
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<b>5. Whats wrong</b> - The most pointless question ever if asked to a Teenager, they have no clue whats wrong so why the heck should they be able to tell you the answer. I find a more subtle approach is needed like <i><b>"I'm downstairs if you need a hug"</b></i> I would imagine from the boys point of view this is their worst nightmare but on the rare occasion it has worked.<br />
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<b>6. Can you tidy your room please</b> - Again, pointless.<br />
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<b>7. Is that what you're wearing ?</b> - The minute this comes out of my mouth I instantly regret it, why oh why did I say it. Not many words are exchanged but its the look that is shot at you from a 17 year old female of the species. If looks could kill.........I wouldn't be typing this.<br />
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<b>8. Shall we do a selfie together</b> - Good luck with this one.......<br />
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<b>9. When I was your age</b> - They don't care about when you were young, in fact I don't even think they recognise you were young once. To them you were born into an era of no social networking, no phones and Crackerjack..................Actually I can see their point.<br />
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<b>10. We'll See</b> - Teenagers are much like toddlers and cannot deal with the uncertainty of an unanswered question. A full description is needed along with photographic and legal evidence to back up any plans that they need confirming.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-udZZjDWIpdQ/UlQEx4kTIPI/AAAAAAAAGSQ/8g3zHYz3900/s1600/untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-udZZjDWIpdQ/UlQEx4kTIPI/AAAAAAAAGSQ/8g3zHYz3900/s1600/untitled.png" /></a>They are just a few questions that I try not to ask but I could go on and on and on.......................To be honest both of mine aren't really that bad and I love them to death even with all the strops and mood swings. I guess one day they will have kids of their own and will be happy to accept any advice I might have............................................Although, I might reply with one <br />
word............................."DUNNO".<br />
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Lots of Love<br />
Me<br />
xxxxxxxx<br />
<br />The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2045005678982918911.post-50606600603707670372015-01-21T02:47:00.001-08:002015-02-06T08:18:32.747-08:00Puzzled......I am officially a Puzzler...............Not in a "wondering what the hell is going on" kind of way but a master of placing little cardboard pieces in amongst a jumble of colours and sizes kind of way.<br />
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Confused ?????? ...................................Let me explain.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YiLjVa1gUzI/VL-CZyzReYI/AAAAAAAAP8s/9PVDMdYbRmw/s1600/611swFOzQmL._SX300_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YiLjVa1gUzI/VL-CZyzReYI/AAAAAAAAP8s/9PVDMdYbRmw/s1600/611swFOzQmL._SX300_.jpg" height="152" width="200" /></a>We received a jigsaw over the Xmas period to which I am ashamed to say I laughed at and thought "how old do you think I am?" and "You obviously think I have too much time on my hands". It was only when I was incredibly bored one afternoon that I thought I might give it a go......................How hard can it be for Gods sake....................................I'll have it done in an hour..............................Whilst doing the housework..............WRONG WRONG and WRONG again.</div>
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I remember watching my Nan separate the little pieces out into different boxes so that she had all the bits with white on in one and red pieces in another. The jigsaw would sit there unfinished for days and I was always allowed to put the last piece in which resulted in a huge cheer from my Grandparents as if I had done the whole thing myself.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n8IE7iFnwRo/U33S4nrkI-I/AAAAAAAAK8M/v34r62ITSCM/s1600/10411789_10203886974043835_6512869837459709781_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n8IE7iFnwRo/U33S4nrkI-I/AAAAAAAAK8M/v34r62ITSCM/s1600/10411789_10203886974043835_6512869837459709781_n.jpg" height="200" width="198" /></a>Anyway, there I am with 1000 pieces of little bits of cardboard laid out in front of me..........DO THE EDGES FIRST I hear my Nans voice in my head....................................So, I did. I must just point out that it was at this point I realised I needed glasses.</div>
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After an hour I was ready to chuck it through the patio doors and forget I ever had it but then something happened...............Something I didn't expect............................The Teenagers appeared and did something very strange, something quite out of the ordinary for two humans that usually come in and launch their bags anywhere they see a space on the floor then disappear upstairs grunting about their "RUBBISH" day. </div>
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They stopped, stared at the puzzle and began to pick pieces up looking for a home for them. I in turn wasn't sure whether to slope off without making a sound and leave them to it in the hope that they might finish it. I watched for ages as they laughed and shouted "YES" when a piece fitted in, I made everyone a cuppa and we all stood round working together.........................To be totally honest after 2 hours we had only managed 20 bits but it was the harmony and laughter that I was amazed at. The usual arguing of who said what was replaced with chatter about school and how they both fancied Pizza for tea.</div>
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It didn't stop there either, each day someone would pop in and have a go too, it became quite a race to see who could reach the end. The Female Teen was fabulous at it and I watched in amazement at her ability to find a piece I had been looking for all day, her friends came round and had a go too and I started to wish we would never finish it so that this moment could last forever.</div>
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Then, yesterday it all came to an end...........................I looked at the table and realised there were only 20 bits left, I was alone and this was not the way I wanted it to end.............................I wanted everyone to be together and cheer at our joint achievement.....................Yeah Right...................................As If........................................I totally wanted to be the one that completed it.................And I did.</div>
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The last piece slotted in with ease and I lifted my hands up like I had won the World Cup.......................I hadn't of course, just the satisfaction that it was done. </div>
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It"s still sitting on the dining room table today and I can't quite bring myself to take it apart, I know I must....................It can't sit there forever.......................We have been eating on our laps for a bloody week...........................Mr DG can't work from home as theres no room.....................But, and more importantly the other reason it has to go is actually quite simple.</div>
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I need the table for the next one I've just ordered.</div>
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Lots of Love</div>
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess Experienced Puzzler Extraordinaire.</div>
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xxx</div>
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The 40 Year Old Domestic Godddesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06269641033022945207noreply@blogger.com41