Don't Follow Me I'm Lost Too !

Not many people know this but I only passed my driving test 7 years ago when I was 33. I had taken lessons when I was 17 but after reversing into a wall and nearly squashing a passing pedestrian on lesson number 5 I decided to give it up as a bad job.

The Husband was the one who encouraged me to go for it. He purchased me a little silver Vauxhall Corsa which I lovingly named Barbara and who I not only took my lessons in but managed to pass second time round as well.
Too say I'm a good driver would be an out and out lie, here are the 7 reasons why I know this to be so:-

1. I will not drive at night time, due to the fact (I claim) I cannot see the lines on the road (worrying I know).
2. I will not leave my home town to go anywhere unless it is life or death.
3. Generally as a rule I don't really like to turn right. (this is a great source of entertainment to my friends).
4. I will not park in multistory car parks (this isn't really a problem due to point 2)
5. I drive an automatic (this is a clever ruse so that nobody will ask me to drive their car as I'm not legally aloud to do so).
6. When driving in my home town I drive way to quickly and have no patience with anyone.
7. If I was ever stopped by the police I would have to find the biggest double parking space as I do not like reverse parallel parking. (have often envisaged myself on some police chase show being told to pull over and not being able too, resulting in them thinking I was some joyriding menopausal women and getting the stinger thrown in front of me).

So you see my point, if I'm honest I only drive to get me from A to B. I have no idea why driving is such a issue for me, I am the worst back seat driver ever and spend most of the time shouting at The Husband to go quicker then slam my foot through the floor of the car to hit my imaginary break pedal when I think he's going to hit someone up the rear end. This normally ends in The Husband offering to pull over so that I can drive myself which I cant because of points 2,3,4 and 5.

I wonder if my problem stems from early memories of being 18 and my best friend Maureen (her real name was Suzanne but for legal reasons we will call her Maureen) taking me on a particularly memorable journey in her Vauxhall Chevrolet. It all began as an Innocent stalking operation of a boy she liked who we thought was cheating on her , she picked me up from home and we sat outside his house for what seemed like hours (to be honest it was hours). Once we had asatained he was in fact cheating on her she wheel spinned out of that road like The Dukes Of Hazard on a period.
As she poured her little heart out whilst crying all I could think was HANG ON,( in the panic to get away I had got my seat belt trapped in the door and didn't dare open it just in case I fell out). Luckily we came to a roundabout and I seized my chance to release the belt PHEW!!!
It was at this moment I realised I must of had a guardian angel, as she took the roundabout at about 40mph and lost control careering straight through a rather attractive conifer hedge which belonged to our local doctor.........BANG, CRASH,SCREAM and STOP!!!!

We sat for ages not quite knowing what to do, what we should of done is get out and face the consequences but OH NO!!! Not us, she slammed it into reverse and we were outta there. To this day nobody ever knew it was us that left a perfect car shaped hole in the Doctors hedge, her car was undamaged thanks to the conifers and we were to shocked to talk about it. Still silver lining was that she stopped crying and forgot all about the evenings actual purpose or castrating the boy who had cheated on her. And The Doctor turned the hole into an attractive gate way. (Can I also point out it was the one and only time I nearly appeared in the paper under the headline WHO DUNN IT??).

I know that driving is useful, and I wouldn't be without my car (not Barbara anymore unfortunately as she got traded in for a newer racier version called Shirley) but I worry that I will become one of those women drivers who have such a bad reputation.

Take my mother (please please)!!! She is the most unbelievably dreadful driver I've ever seen, watching her drive on a motorway is the most nerve racking experience ever. Its a bit like taking the kids bowling and putting those safety lanes up at each side, well imagine that on a motorway with my Mother happily bouncing from lane to lane but with no safety bumpers. If she sees something of interest to the left then that's where the car goes and visa versa. I cant help but smile to myself as I catch a glimpse of her following behind me (she is behind me because I wont get in the car with her) looking completely relaxed as she sways from left to right singing along to Barry Manilow. Bless her !!!!

So there we go, my excuses reasons why I don't really drive a great deal. Once they invent a car that parks for you, drives for you and loves turning right I may change my mind but until then and if you see me coming I have one bit of advice for you....