Whilst most of you were probably enjoying the Bank Holiday weekend I was in fact doing the unenviable task of clearing out my loft. What started as a quick "can you go into the loft and get me that bag of shoes" turned out to be the most epic, revolting and quite frankly knackering Saturday ever. The Husband is the only one who ever goes up into The Black Hole ,as none of us are brave enough not since the last time when the most enormous spider fell onto my head.
This spider was so big I swear it winked at me as I ran round screaming whilst it sat comfortably on my head, The Teenager locked herself in her room and The Whirlwind decided it would be great fun to catch it and keep it as a pet called Steve. That little fantasy came to an abrupt end when The Husband stamped on it with his size 12 shoe ....Goodbye Steve.
Anyway back to the loft. We have lived in our little house for 12 years now so you can imagine the clutter that has been
1. 2 boxes of baby memorabilia, including both kids umbilical clips (one even had something resembling a mushroom still on it).
2. 6 odd shoes. (my point about how you always only ever see one left shoe by the side of the road is finally made).
3. 2 books on sex. First book is the Karma Sutra (well that's out due to my back and the Husbands lack of flexibility) and the second is 101 ways to please your partner (at no stage in this book did it say "a cup of tea and a cream cake will please your partner).
4. A toaster, kettle, toilet (yes toilet), thermos and a potty. (it was at this point that I asked the Husband to check thoroughly that a small family hadn't been living right above our heads).
5. My wedding dress.
Item number 5 brought back a memory that I just had to sit and relive for a while. And now I am going to share it with you as it is just to funny to remain in my head.
The day before I got married in the above mentioned dress my Mother had kindly offered to put my 3 bridesmaids and me up in her little cottage. The day started well with me and 2 of my bridesmaids happily decorating the venue and generally being excited. My third bridesmaid who will remain nameless (she is in fact the same one who in my last blog drove me through a hedge in her car) arrived from her home land of Spain and the scene was set for a great evening.
I cant quite remember who had the idea of giving her and my Mother a couple of sleeping tablets but one of us clearly had our reasons. The 3rd bridesmaid spent most of night shouting out in her sleep and accusing everyone of various crimes and wanting jelly and my Mother slept like a baby.............until 6am.
(At this stage I must point out that I was sharing a room with her ).
I opened my eyes and suddenly remembered that my big day had finally arrived, the day I had been painstakingly planning for a whole year. I lay there for a while wondering if the door would open and breakfast on a tray with a flower would appear. I listened for any movements but nothing. Suddenly a groan sounded from the other side of the room and then a slight whisper of "HELP ME".
As I turned over the sight that meet me was not pleasant.......The Mother was sitting bolt upright in bed with her top lip curled under which was well and truly stuck to her teeth. "HELP ME PLEASE"
she shouted "I CANT FEEL MY FACE".
What then happened was panic, panic and a bit more panic then me shouting for help and the others (minus the 3rd bridesmaid as the tablets had had a similar effect on her) running around trying to unglue my mothers lips from her teeth, this process took about an hour and resulted in Mum having a slight look of Ken Dodd for most of the morning. The 3rd bridesmaid to this day is still oblivious to the whole thing. However people have commented on what full lips she has in my photos.
After remembering this incident I cant say I was much help as I then had to ring Mum to relive the whole thing with her.
Anyway the loft is now completely finished and The Husband seems very pleased with himself at the emptiness of it. What I haven't told him is that most of the stuff he sent down is now in my cupboard waiting for me to go and have a good look through it and then it will all have to go back up there again.
Still he'll be pleased when he realises Ive kept the 2 books down here !!!!
What a fun way to spend a Bank Holiday weekend ( we did almost the same, ten year old computer equipment must go now!)
ReplyDeleteAs for bridesmaids - I shared a room with mine. Her tummy rumbled all night, so we got up at 2am and ate cold roast chicken, then she snored and kept me awake. Never mind - I probably wouldn't have slept anyway :)
Happy memories - keep them coming.
x
Thankyou so much Lesley, actually quite enjoyed reliving all the memories even though it was a mucky job.
DeleteLots of love
xxx
Its the anonymous Bond again, should be doing housework but this was far more entertaining!! Loved it hun, very funny. I especially loved when I got to number 5 as fully expected it to go on to the time a couple of years ago when you tried on the said dress! Enough said as I feel this could be a blog on its own lol. It made me laugh that I could actually picture your mums lips stuck to her teeth bless her. Love your mum :-) Great blog hun, keep 'em coming. Loveeeee uuuu xxx
ReplyDeletethankyou Bondy, Hmmmmm the trying on of the dress where I got stuck is what I think you are talking about. Should of known I wasnt a size 10 anymore.
DeleteThanks for reading hun
xxxxxxxx
Bloody hilarious! I wonder if anything as funny will happen to me in 4 months time!! Well, funny to look back on anyway!! xx
ReplyDeleteYes exactly, not so much fun at the time as I thought my mum was going to stay like it all day. Well actually thinking about it imagine the photos, oh what fun they would be. Hee hee .
DeleteThankyou for reading
lots of love
xx
I was laughing out loud reading this post. The clutter we carry around with us for years - that same clutter that reminds us of all those funny memories. Great post x
ReplyDeleteThankyou so much for reading.
DeleteI have come to the conclusion that it is no longer a dead space at the top of the house but a room that holds memories of my life.
xxxxx
What a great post, made me chuckle lots! I have a memory box with all my tickets from gigs etc and love going through that :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading, i love looking through memory boxes. xxx
DeleteWe are also having a super sized sort out as we are planning to sell and move this year too. And its a real chore. You found some gems in your attic! And your poor mother! Very funny! :o). You added my badge! How lovely is that !!!! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThankyou for reading and good luck with the sort out. Love love your blog xxxxx
ReplyDeletethe kids are looking at me very strange as im killing myself laughing at this post....fantastic!!!
ReplyDeleteAww thankyou so much. As for the kids looking at you strangly, I wouldnt worry mine look at me like that every day. xx
DeleteYou're so brave to go back up there after the spider episode. I'd shuddered at the thought. What are you going to do with your wedding dress? I still have mine boxed up but don't know whether to keep it or not.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping my dress in the small hope that The Teenager may want it (ha ha as if). She did say that she would like to have a piece of it to incorporate it in her dress.
DeleteThankyou for reading xx